To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Ah. Your update makes things clear. Unless the man in there now claims to identify as a woman. Boot him out the next time you go in.

YADNBU. I wonder why he is there? Surely, he'd be very uncomfortable.

Yes. Yes I would have.

Women don't belong in penis pain support groups. Duh!

This 100%! So many on here talk as if they're concerned about women's rights, but then make comments about women whose husbands/boyfriends are supportive in derogatory ways, or saying things like they are "glued" to their husband 🙄. Being selective about the women you support means you are not supporting women, you are supporting people you agree with.

Just to add, I'd have no issue with places offering separate 'women only' breastfeeding support groups for those who need them, but to deny a space where those with supportive partners can bring them along is not the solution in my opinion.

If I could have arranged alternative support you can bet I would have. What alternative support is there?! A 2 hour weekly drop in breastfeeding cafe is all that was on offer.

And women who ask for their husband's support are "selfish bitches" - that's an actual quote from this thread.

Breastfeeding groups should only be for the people who are breastfeeding. Many moons ago, even formula feeding mothers weren’t allowed to attend.

I'll answer. No, I wouldn't at all. Because I've known gay and bisexual women and they have never made me feel uncomfortable the way straight men have. I've never been leered at, ogled, groped, had sexually inappropriate things said to me, been taken advantage of when vulnerable, or been sexually assaulted by gay or bi women. I have by plenty of straight men.

This thread has nothing to do with trans issues.

Muslims are not the only women whose religion and/or culture precludes them from being in a state of vulnerability or undress in front of men. But in any event, religion and culture are irrelevant to the question, as are the infinitely offensive questions discussed on MN and elsewhere, about women feeling the need to disclose sexual abuse and trauma as a reason for not wanting to be in these spaces with men. And even when they do divulge these histories - talking, for instance, about their involuntary trauma responses - they are (quite disgustingly) told to stop weaponising their trauma.

This really is a scenario in which 'no' is a complete sentence. Women don't need excuses like past trauma, culture or religion. If one woman vetoes it, on grounds of safety, dignity, comfort, or simply because she doesn't want to, that is good enough.

That's up to the men there surely?? I think it's inappropriate, unnecessary and fucking weird though. They may have felt unable to speak up about their balls in front of your mother though

DH had a vasectomy it wouldn't occur to me that he was so stupid I have to go with him if he needed to attend something like that.

PBP - oh, how did I guess? 😎

Same here. Anyway, OP has clarified that the group for those who identify as women. End of, surely? The extremely hands on dad can go to another group.

Bet some of the men did - unless it was just talk.

Did they have to get their penises out?

I’m not being goady, I’m a pregnant woman with a wife who birthed our first kid. So have been the (unexpectedly female) partner and am about to be the birthing mother with an (unexpectedly female) partner.

Being a same sex couple puts you into all sorts of odd situations, groups / clinics / NCTs etc where birthing mothers are in the majority, and there is a big variety of views about whether partners should be there too. Sometimes people see a female partner differently to a male one. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they actively feel more uncomfortable with a same sex couple or a lesbian present, because you don’t fit the gender dynamic they were expecting.

My partner had a couple of situations when she was in groups of birthing mothers, and they seemed to be almost annoyed that she was there, because they wanted to talk have a big moan about how their husbands / boyfriends were useless etc and it was as though she was ruining their vibe.

I couldn't care less. Men's boundaries are their own to police. Of course, there isn't the same context of women sexually violating men as vice versa, so perhaps the men didn't mind.

@Mummbles Depends, were they all getting their dicks out?

The lovely lady who ran our breastfeeding support group (it was run by volunteers not nhs or an organised group like NCT and was wonderfully warm and nurturing) always made it very clear, in a totally lovely way, that if any man turned up the support group was very much not for them. She'd welcome them loudly (I think to alert anyone who might be uncomfortable that a man had wandered in) and would make sure their other half and baby were settled and then sort of shepherd them to a side room to reassure them that their family would be well looked after, and firmly say goodbye to them. She was/is awesome.

You're not wrong. I was told on a thread the other day (by the majority) that it would be unreasonable to post on here about having cancer because it makes people sad... Mumsnet is a crazy, crazy place. The real world doesn't hold these insane views.

Just ignore this thread - I will. I never attended a breastfeeding support group but you weren't wrong to take your DH.

They can have male support, just not in front of other random women's tits

I’d be quite at ease with a Lesbian or Bi woman.
As a BF mother, we had a horrible leering bloke who was the husband of one of the other mothers.
There were four of us on the ward, and this bloke almost had his tongue hanging out.
To new mothers this can be really off putting .
The other mothers mentioned it, but my bed was opposite where he sat-
I wish I’d had the courage then to say something!

If you're taking this so personally perhaps time to log off? Yes your husbands presence could have made others feel uncomfortable and they may not have attended again because of it, or perhaps it didn't. I'm sure none of them felt like they could say how they really felt as it's a shitty position to be put in. Most people are inherently selfish and just think of their own though so most would have done the same. No point feeling bad about it is there.

There are some couples that do absolutely everything together, even if it's not appropriate, makes other people uncomfortable, violates boundaries, causes an awkward dynamic or is just downright weird. I know a few of them. I find it strange and oppressive, but some people have so little sense of identity they have to have their partner stuck to them all the time. On an annoying but less offensive note the woman who always drags her partner along on a friends night out, just creates awkwardness. This is a more extreme version of that and completely not appropriate.

Wouldn't bother me. Women have their own boobs to play with, they're rarely fascinated by those of random other women.