To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

CurlyCate I've seen you elsewhere.

You have an active interest in removing women's spaces.

I asked this - on such a vocal thread, it's odd that people are refusing to answer.

Update-

the group is for ‘women and those who self identify as women’

so it was a women’s space albeit based on gender identity

all of the written literature refers to mums and mothers

I might start turning up to groups like that. After all, men's rights to privacy in a single-sex environment don't override my right to turn up and stare at the arses/testicles. Apparently.

If someone is uncomfortable without their DH there then they can arrange alternative support. I used to volunteer at a support group and was more than happy to see people before or after group if they wanted either more privacy or whatever. I do personally believe that yes those who are uncomfortable with the presence of a man there should be the priority over someone who wants their husband there. Its selfish and odd to think otherwise- but it's clear youre just thinking of yourself.

It’s absolutely not on.
Men can ( and do) like watching women breastfeeding-
At a museum cafe I was at, a mother was feeding her baby discreetly, but a man at a nearby table” joked “ “ Can I have a go after?”
to his mate.
The BF mother didn’t hear, luckily, and I did say to the blokes ( Quietly so BF mum wasn’t aware) “Comments like that put mothers off!”

It’s lovely to see mothers feeding in public places, but a man brought along to a clinic-
NO!

Not the place for it.

Why should it?

Community groups are usually set up in response to the needs/ requests of the people attending.

They probably researched the local community they are delivering in before setting up and deciding ground rules.

People in some areas may want men to be able to attend. Others don't.

OP made an assumption.

I'm not saying I would be comfortable with men watching me breast feed, and I completely relate to those who want a female only space.

But I would do my research about the group I was attending before going.

It would not bother me. Women don't tend to leer and sexually assault people. However some women might prefer to have as few people in the room as possible. And they're not wrong to feel that way. It might be easier so as not to be perceived as sexism by the hard of thinking to say lactating women only.l though

Please if you are reading this be aware that some of the posters on here are interested in removing women's spaces as an ideological position.

Men have no need to be involved in breastfeeding decisions.

Only women breastfeed and should have the right to do so in groups with dignity.

My Dad had to have a circumcision and a vasectomy and attended a support group afterwards because of the associated pain. My DM went with him, as did a number of the other wives of those men. Would you have wanted her excluded?

Nope, because percentage-wise lesbian women aren’t in the same league as men for assault, rape, general creepiness, violence, tit staring, you name it.

Interesting that women who don't want to learn to feed in front of a man are branded anxious drama queens.

Some breastfeeding women will want their partner there. Others will want a female-only space.

Neither of those positions is wrong.

The group should be split or two separate ones organised so that each group can have what they're most comfortable with.

Assuming this group is not explicitly for women only, I don't think a man being there is wrong in and of itself, but obviously it does cause issues for other users, hence why the groups should be split.

When I went to the hospital for one of those sessions there were three women there including me and all of us had partners with us. The room was divided up with bookcases and curtains so everyone had their privacy. I had physical issues so needed DH with me but I also found it invaluable afterwards as he'd been able to watch what the consultant did and help us recreate it at home.

The other breastfeeding consultation I had was one-on-one so we had a private consultation room.

Your complaint should be about a badly set up room, not supportive partners.

This.

And the analogy with prostate is relevant. Imagine a support group for men who are struggling with continence following prostate surgery. The counsellor is teaching the men how to use incontinence aids. Should their wives and girlfriends be there in the group when men have their penis out? Trust me most men wouldn't want other women there.

There should be a Mens waiting space if it’s a group.

My DH filmed a (private at home) lactation consultant at my request so he could help me when she wasn’t there. I don’t think he would have come with me into to a group but it’s quite possible in our total haze and fear of baby loosing weight and being repeatedly readmitted to hospital that we could have inappropriatly done this!

I think the onus is on the children’s centre to highlight what is and isn’t appropriate to male partners.

Personally I don't even think the issue is that they're leering or whatever, but more that the presence of a man in such an environment can make women uncomfortable. And no, I wouldn't care if a bi or lesbian woman was there for obvious reasons- not sure it's the gotcha you think it is.

@SleepingStandingUp thank you for your kind response. I'm honestly not sure why I commented on this thread tbh. I really should have known there would have been loads of aggressive responses, and further gaslighting about breast feeding difficulties and the help that some people (me anyway) really did need and didnt get. I won't be commenting on this thread again because it's raised my anxiety to super high levels again, even though I actually stopped breast feeding 7 and a half years ago.
Bur just in case it makes anyone think about a different situation to their own, yes I had twins with no family help.other than my dh (my mother died years ago inlaws live 3 hours drive away) yes I didn't have enough supply even though every heath care professional told me I did. Yes my children were readmitted to.hospital more than once for failure to gain.weight, yes my concerns were dismissed and I was told that giving them a bottle would make the situation worse and yes their tongue tie was also missed.
And no I didn't give up on BF until my babies were 5.5 months. Until then I had to.weigh each baby, bf each baby then weigh again, calculate how much milk they had taken and bottle feed the balance needed every 2 hours. I also had to pump in between those 2 hour feeds to increase supply and had to take domperidone for months also to try and increase. But no.of course I didn't need my husband for support, even though i was on yhe verge of a breakdown and am still suffering from PTSD now. Even though we asked in the group, if anyone minded, wede told nobody did.and sat to one side we were definitely in the wrong according to people on this thread.

I think the relevant information here is it is a group. There needs to be a degree of consensus. If the rest of the group were ok with it, fine, if not he shouldn't be there.

Lol. They absolutely did not do that.

The needs of breastfeeding women at a breastfeeding clinic are not having random men hanging about drinking tea amongst all the breasts.