To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

I'm not policing women.

And then had the cheek to call me a liar when I said I recognised the username.

I was so obvious

I think he should've been asked to leave. Can you raise this with the organizers? If you're in touch with any of the other attendees it would also be useful if they could do the same.

Some spaces need to be unapologetically penis free.

Most of the groups where I live encourage fathers to attend. There are also women-only groups.

They don't make those decisions randomly.

It comes from community research and evolving feedback about what people want when they attend a group, and they cater for that.

Exactly this!

I'm lost now with this "those who self identify as women". Why would they have that. Men can't breast feed so what is all this about?

YANBU. I would have felt uncomfortable too. Breastfeeding can be so difficult and emotional, women at the very least deserve to feel comfortable in the space, it is perfectly reasonable for this to only be open to mother's But it comes down to the group leaders managing this and making it clear that partners who show up can wait outside.

I would explain that you were uncomfortable with the male presence and give feedback in that regard. They can they offer breastfeeding support groups were couples or welcome or at home sessions.

I think most women would feel
super uncomfortable at a breastfeeding clinic if a man was there. I’ve breastfed probably now for a total of about 8 years (across different children!) and I’ve never felt weird feeding in a cafe, family gathering, party, whenever. But, in the postnatal period, feeling all gross and probably quite flustered, having to get a big
engorged milky boob out in the presence of someone’s husband….yeah id feel very uncomfortable.
Its not about the sexual aspect, or about it being stranger. It’s about a strange feeling of there being an imposter in a woman’s space. Men have not just given birth. They don’t have breasts and they don’t have any genuine understanding of what it is to be a woman. And that would make me uncomfortable in the context of a breastfeeding class which is probably taking place during one of the most vulnerable periods of a woman’s life.

I’m so curious about why a man needs to be there! People keep mentioning they they need to be there in order to learn
how to support their partner..? I don’t really get it tbh. All my DH needs to do is bring me a bottle of water and my phone if I need it?Oh, and go grab the baby and hand her over if she demands a feed in the night.I would be most put out if he started manhandling my boob into the baby’s mouth to get a better latch, for example. Any
other info, how often they need a feed for example, or the dreaded cluster feeding, or tongue tie etc I can probably be trusted to relay back. I mean a bit of moral support is of course a good luxury extra but I don’t think my desire for moral support justifies my DH sitting in a breastfeeding clinic. And more than anything, he’d rather stick pins
in his eyes.
(I would say that twins is an exception though as newborn twins especially to a first timer are undoubtedly difficult to handle so the presence of another pair of hands is likely to be necessary)

YABU. My husband came with me to BF clinic, most other women there had their husbands with them. I was 24 hours post emergency c-section and could not carry my baby or bag. I'm not sure how else I could have attended. All the chairs were in pairs facing outwards in a big circle so no couple were in line of sight of another couple. All very respectable. Let's please support women at their most vulnerable time and not assume all men are pervs.

No I wouldn't feel uncomfortable in the presence of another woman regardless of her sexuality. Only the the breastfeeding mother needs to be there though.

I don't think all men are pervs either but it doesn't mean I want to be in the room with them at a breastfeeding session!

It makes less than no sense because a woman who doesn't identify as a woman could actually be breastfeeding...

You're really really bad at this.

Women can have male support at home.

Other women can't go to the group if men are there. So no, no you can't reverse it.

But men who want to learn are supportive and caring 🙄

"My Dad had to have a circumcision and a vasectomy and attended a support group afterwards because of the associated pain. My DM went with him, as did a number of the other wives of those men. Would you have wanted her excluded?"

If the men were getting their tackle out for inspection, comparing wounds or whatever, then yes definitely. Assuming everyone is fully clothed, then yes probably.

Oh god, breasts are the same as erect penis' are they? I guess next time my husband whacks his cock out in costa I'll tell the staff he has rights and its only natural!!!!

I don't think it's fair to blame him. We have no idea whether he wanted to be there or was asked for support from his partner. If it was a big deal he should have been asked to leave by the consultant. Although, they should have private areas for those who need them as I think many women would benefit from having their partner there, breastfeeding feels like a big and lonely responsibility in the early days.

I don't think my husband would have thought twice about going if I had asked him. His only experience with a breastfeeding woman is me, who is open and proud about what I've achieved and am happy to get my milky boobs out in front of anyone if one of my children need a feed. I don't think it would be fair to call him a pervert or controlling. He may not have realised that others wouldn't be comfortable with his presence because he's such a big advocate for breastfeeding in public. This is not a "safe space for women." It's support for breastfeeding mothers and babies. Which in many cases, is supported hugely also by the dad emotionally. I would have quit breastfeeding my first if my husband hadn't been tuned in to what to do when I'm struggling and known exactly how to support me.

As I said, more private spaces, maybe women only and partners welcome clinics. But I definitely don't agree with "he has no right being there!!!!!"

But transmen aren't welcome under that descriptor.

I unless there is a very good reason the male partner doesn't need to be there, and if he really really does he needs to ask if it's OK and not stare.

It's not a day out, and it's not an opportunity to creep on women which sounds like the OP's experience.

I attended a breast feeding clinic years back but we were individually called into a private room and thanks goodness because I needed to get out my breast and some men had come along with their partners.

Possibly they use it on another forum then? I don't know but I recognised the name as well as the content.

YANBU OP. Can you get in touch with the consultant ahead of the next session to ask her to move the man elsewhere or decline entry?

Separately, the group's statement that a man who identifies as a woman would be allowed to join a breastfeeding support class is also bizarre.

The majority of responses on this thread suggest that women at their most vulnerable would be best supported if men waited outside.