To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

It's just one day and she doesn't see her family much, due to them living in another country. I presume you live locally to her, so could arrange to have her over another time, like Easter? When they have children, they'll end up staying home anyway. Hate the idea of taking turns, I've done my fair share. I hated being controlled by family, all over one day. Now we have children, we stay home and relatives are welcomed to visit.

Op, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want your dil to come to yours for Xmas, but I do think it’s unreasonable to expect it. Your dil has the right to spend her holiday time as she chooses. I’m mid 40s and haven’t had Xmas day with my parents or in-laws for 20 years, I prefer to spend Xmas at home. Everyone has different expectations about what Xmas should be about and how they want to spend their time.

"We don't expect them to always travel for Xmas either" wow, that is really good of you. Where should I post your medal?

YANBU at all OP, I would be very hurt in your shoes. I find this notion of "my family" and "his family" a little precious in the context of a marriage, surely by that stage it's all just family (barring estrangements, but that's not the case here).

I think it's odd to choose to spend the day with your parents rather than your spouse. I'm sure she enjoys the years he joins her and can see her family and join in their traditions and I think it's selfish not to afford him the same enjoyment.

I'd be wary you will be Granny B if DGC come along tbh.

Her siblings are obviously important to her.

Even if you only have one child yourself, I fail to see how you can't see that the pull of her siblings, who she's grown up with and are more likely peers and friends would be a priority for her.

It sounds to me more and more like you just want to 'win' op.

Do you not think that, in life, there are considerations and thoughtfulnessess that we should apply when dealing with our nearest and dearest? Not going out of your way to hurt their feelings? Remembering birthdays? Being on hand if they are in difficulty? That sort of thing.

Or is it just, "I should be allowed to do whatever I like, no matter the consequences to those around me"?

If you haven't said you want her to come specifically, then you can't really complain and even then, it's an invitation, etc and not a summons.

If you say "no probs, come another day" and you have other DC that come that day, if I was DiL, I'd assume you have enough company and there's no issue. It would never occur to me that Pil want a "full set" of relatives.

She can't mind read...

No-one is saying that she has no right to feel hurt, or be sad or angry for that matter, the point is whether it is reasonable for one adult to get to tell another adult what to do, and it clearly isn't!

I find your attitude a bit odd OP. I could definitely understand if your son wasn't coming but he is.

I like my PIL but if it was just down to me I would choose to see my family every year. The reason I don't is because my DP also wants to see his family, and I want to be with him every year. So we alternate due to my/his desire to be with each other, rather than an active desire to see our in laws. You seem to be upset that she doesn't want to see you, rather than that she doesn't want to see your son. I don't think that's a reasonable expectation really. It's normal and non offensive for her to prefer her own parents.

I think you're applying "rules" you decided were "right" when you were her age.

She might have different ideas.

It's just one day.

Just make sure that your son is actually wanting to come to you at Christmas and would not rather join his wife.

Sounds as though this is a ritual for DIL and I think you just have to accept that.

My consideration is I don't want to force people to do things that make them happy. I'm happy when they're happy

It's strange to me that others don't think the same

It will be on the page where the book slowly and carefully explains that your husband has a family too, and his relationship with them is no less important than your relationship with your family. And that if you love him, it is selfish not to make an effort or to hog special occasions for your side not his.

My MIL did this to me and made me feel so guilty that I missed my grandads last Christmas. He died in that January.

Don’t be that person.

Or is it just, "I should be allowed to do whatever I like, no matter the consequences to those around me"?

Well, as long as it just applies to you, obviously. Other people have other family and friends and plans...

Yes - and it sounds like she is doing that when choosing to spend her christmas with her relatives, whilst not forcing your son to accompany her!

And obviously she has no right to have no consequences. If you want to issue an ultimatum "come this christmas or you are never welcome in my house again" then you can do that and impose consequences.

But...he sees his family.

Very well said!

I'm confused by your response. There were posts here saying, why could we not go to them. I am merely responding saying, that would be fine. I am not sure how else I could put it. I was not asking for a medal.

Do you not think that, in life, there are considerations and thoughtfulnessess that we should apply when dealing with our nearest and dearest? Not going out of your way to hurt their feelings?

Like not going out of your way to deliberately separate your dil from her siblings on a rare meet up?

I think the trouble is, you see DIL as your nearest and dearest, and family. She sees you as an in-law. Neither view is wrong. But her not coming to Christmas isn’t “going out of her way” to hurt your feelings, or being thoughtless. The intensity of your language around a grown adult choosing how she spends her annual leave (“no matter the consequences”!) is revealing of the hidden pressure you may be putting on her, and one of the reasons she doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you.

This. One of the readings at our wedding was Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people. We became members of one another’s family that day and they have equal importance.

You sound so much like my lovely, sensible Mum and Granny that it made me quite emotional for a moment. This was always their attitude to this kind of situation.

I still miss them terribly, especially at Christmas which is a time that seems to amplify sentimentality and loss. It's another of the many reasons I prefer Easter, although not for anything would I have my DC even suspect this!