To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

@stuntbubbles In that scenario then if it were my DH begrudgingly going to his family every few years then I'd go with him, rather than him suffer it alone.

Ha, yes I will. My spiritual leanings tend more toward paganism/pantheism, so to me the spring festival is Ostara in any event. I could always warn her that if I recite the Lord's Prayer, I burst into flames ...

Speaking of which, if my Catholic MiL discovered that particular fact about me she would probably spontaneously combust 😀

I am with your DIL on this one.
I spent one Christmas Day with my in-laws early on in our relationship and it was the worst Christmas Day ever. They were all drunk and obnoxious, all talking at once and the Christmas dinner was all ‘instant’ frozen roasties, instant gravy etc. Their idea of indulgence was just their body weight in alcohol. There must be something about your version of Christmas Day that your DIL finds unappealing, she must feel her parents do Christmas Day better.

@QueSyrahSyrah My DP doesn’t want to drag me down with him! His family, his problem.

Me and DP basically spend every Christmas apart, we both find it difficult to not visit our own family due to specific situations, so we just do our own thing for a couple of days. It's fine really.

I’d be hurt and Yanbu to be upset but nothing really you can do

I don’t really like the “turns” idea but it sort of works for us. With my dh for 14 years and it would never have occured to us to go to separate families at Christmas

Really? I think she sounds like an adult who makes her own choices.

I don’t like the way my in laws do Christmas. It’s just not Christmassy IMO! But I suck it up once in a while

Wow, the only respectful post on this thread... I really don't get why OP is being roasted this much. She didn't ask how to force DIL to visit them. She just doesn't understand why things are the way they are.

You would rather her not be there, than there against her will with a sulky face, tapping into her phone all day with the people she would rather be with.
Enjoy your lovely day with your close family.

This. Must be nice to get him to yourself for a bit too.

Been with husband 14 years, never once spent Christmas Day with them. They’re ok and we get on fine, but I love Christmas Day with my family. They just do it better. Will never go to in-laws.

If your dil came on the trip and left on Christmas Eve, this sounds like a reasonable compromise from here.

As a PP has states, make your own Christmas traditions that aren't about the 25th.

I hate the obligation of taking turns so I don't. My large family are spread all over. DPs family is small, they all live in the city we came from and get together lots.

We don't live in the same city. We stay here so the DC open presents. We go up in-between and there is always stress from MIL about getting together.

I get on well with ILs but don't want to spend Christmas day with them. It's very much women folk stay behind and men go to the pub.

So, DIL is a spoilt brat for wanting to spend every Xmas with her parents. But OPs DS is a good son for doing just the same 🤡

If they go to France, I can’t blame her for wanting to join them. The French Christmas is just ……yummy. The Christmas Eve dinner, the actual day, oh dear, it’s a dream of gluttony. Plus High Mass….

YANBU to be disappointed but YABU to 'expect her to come to you'.
It's between her and your DS. Don't get involved and that means not telling him to go with her because you think they should be together. Let him choose.
Just assume that you're never going to see her at Christmas.

Exactly this.
We do the same.

In-laws, who basically never come to see us have been to us once in 12 years. My parents come every year. ILs probably chunter about it, but they're all invited!

I like my in-laws but if I had to choose i'd pick my own parents to spend Christmas with every year ( which we do )

Maybe if/when they have kids it will be different.

YNBU to want to spend Christmas with your son and his gf though, its sad she just prefer Christmas with her family which I can also understand.

Could they do Christmas with her family and then Boxing day have another 'Christmas' with you?

Sorry, that is not what I meant as clearly I am in no position to ‘judge’ your christmas. My point was that Christmas is special to me and spending it in a way which makes me happy or is my preference is important to me (and my family). I was more getting at perhaps your DIL feels the same way as this, not that your Christmas is ‘boring’ like my in-laws are…

Family dynamics are different and people's ideas about Christmas are different.

My former ILs were extremely overbearing and rude - I put up with an awful lot over the years, all year round, but one thing I never compromised on was Christmas. I always spent Boxing Day or the day after with them (depending their plans) and they would argue and bicker the whole time amongst themselves, make criticisms, bitch about other people etc. I love Christmas, no way was I going to have it ruined by their inconsiderate and bullish behaviour. Their DS always loved Christmas with my family and couldn't stand Boxing Day duty.

How much do you see her the rest of the year? Have you actually voiced this to her?

DH and both saw our own families over Christmas until we had kids, then we started alternating between the 2 families. I think this is fair enough. We both wanted to see our own families and loved our respective families traditions. I've never understood this thing about the actual day though. I would have been more than happy to celebrate with in-laws on Christmas day and then have a second Christmas with my family on boxing day (or Christmas eve or the 27th or whatever!). However I couldn't do this because my in-laws live abroad and my parents live far so we both had to stay with our families for several days. Christmas is supposed to be 12 days long so I don't understand why there's often a lot of drama and emotion about the 25th December. Can't you let your son and DIL see her family on Christmas day and then you have your Christmas all together on boxing day (or whatever day suits everyone) ? What difference does it make? It's still Christmas! I think people need to be mature and stop being so rigid. I'm also happy to celebrate my birthday a few days later if it's easier for people. As long as the occasion is marked with loved ones who cares about the date?

she sees quite a lot of her family. Her parents live in the UK, it is just some of her siblings live in France. They normally have a couple of family get togethers in the year, one of which is Xmas. Her parents do not live far from us, and they could easily, say, stay with us, and go over there for a meal. We don't expect them to always travel for Xmas either. One year my son tentatively suggested we go there for Xmas, which would have been fine. Then, weeks beforehand she said no, she was going to her parents.

OP, how often do you get together throughout the year? How often does she see those family members from France?
If she has loved ones who she only ever sees once a year, I fully understand why she won't sacrifice this time to come to you when you can get together anytime. It might not be a "Christmas thing" but a "catching up with loved ones thing" that sadly only ever happens at Christmas.
I do not spent Christmas with my in laws if it means missing out on seeing people who I haven't seen for a year and most likely won't see for another year.... and I love my ILs!

Can you let me know where I can get a copy of the "rules for DILs handbook", nd let me know which page covers christmas?