To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

But she isn’t putting her relationship with her family over his relationship with his at all, OP has made it clear the wife isn’t expecting OPs DS to visit with her at all and is fine with him doing Christmas with his own family.

How do we know that the son doesn;t want to be with DIL and is only going to see OP because she is mad as a hatter and will do something insane if he refuses one year?

I don’t know anyone so selfish and uncompromising they’d rather not spend Christmas with their husband than go to the MIL once or twice in 16 years

Oh gawd the s word again. Why make such a fuss over Christmas anyway? It's one day.

If the OP sees her DIL at other times I can't see the issue. And I can't see the issue if her son comes for Christmas. It would be unfair if she never "got a turn" with her own son, but this is her daughter in-law.

I've already told ds he can do what he wants at Christmas anyway and if he gets better offers in future years he's more than welcome to take them up!

No, my response was to somebody posting that they were unaware that there was a rule book for DiL. I am saying that there may not be a rule book, but we do (most of us) operate under the "rules" of consideration. I then went on to give examples of consideration in everyday life. I was not saying those were the concerns in this particular instance.

And you get to dictate how all marriages work do you?

Maybe she considers that not upsetting her own family is more important than upsetting her husband's.

@Blossomtoes We became members of one another’s family that day and they have equal importance.

I think that’s a pretty unusual outlook though, surely you know that?
I chose to marry my husband, not his family. I respect that they are his family but there was absolutely nothing about our wedding day that made them equal in terms of relationships compared to my relationship with my own family who I have known and been closer to for decades more.

I don’t think most people magically became as close to their in-laws as their own family on their wedding day.

We can never rule anything out on here, but:

• OP has said they get along well
• The other DC and DCIL regularly spend Christmas with her
• OP seems lovely, and very sensible

Even if OP is completely insane, would you really wave your DH off to spend Christmas with his awful mother while you go have fun with your lovely family? Not exactly supportive.

I am saying that there may not be a rule book, but we do (most of us) operate under the "rules" of consideration

Indeed and she is considering her own family and also "allowing" your son to consider his.

Wow the bitchy defensive replies to your perfectly reasonable question op is what I want to point to every time there is some gormless thread on mumsnet about not understanding the ‘gender disappointment’ about having boys.

You can be a lovely mother, open-minded, laid back and your wonderful son will go and marry someone who irrationally hates you just because ‘they’re closer to their own mother’.

It’s not unreasonable to want to see the whole family at Christmas once in a blue moon and the nasty respondents in here know that too. You are just committing the crime of being a MIL so your your DIL can be as shitty as she wants to be and the MN jury will still find you guilty. I just don’t get it.

I would probably step away from this thread op, it wont do any good reading the replies.

My MIL has a DIL who has to have her family over for every occasion, my PIL are never considered in anything and Ive seen the hurt it has caused over the years so I really do get it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There's nothing in this world like a Good Nanna.

Honestly mine are only young but my biggest dream for them is their happiness. Big and small. If I never get to spend a Christmas with them I will be fine as long as I k ow they enjoyed it. Life is so short and unexpected

If your ds chooses to stay with her for Xmas that’s his choice not her fault

Are there grandchildren (sorry if I missed the answer to that, I couldn't see it in any of the OP's messages).

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here @maryanne3, as I think most couples compromise over this issue and it seems like your DIL has no intention of ever compromising, and I can understand why that upsets you. At the end of the day, though, your DS is probably the only one who has the power to change this dynamic as it appears that DIL would rather spend the day with her family than with her DH, which is the element that is strange to me. If my DH said he was spending every Christmas with his family and he wasn't that bothered whether I came or whether I went to my own family, I would consider that odd.

She is not your property and you do not get to decide where she spends her time.

Oh gawd the s word again. Why make such a fuss over Christmas anyway? It's one day.

Either it's a special occasion, in which case she shouldn't be selfish and hog it for her family every year.

Or it's just another day so who cares if she spends it with her family, OP or at home with the cats.

She's probably spent too long on Mumsnet. Mumsnet rules are that you don't have to do anything for your parents in law. They must provide free childcare. And money. But you don't need to show any consideration for their feelings because simply not being your own parents makes them terrible people who deserve nothing but your scorn.

Pretty dramatic post, no?

I will obviously always be closer to my own mother compared to my MIL. That doesn’t mean I hate my MIL.
Its safe to say most men still feel closer to their own mother compares to their MIL so what on earth has this to do with having a baby boy or girl??

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius ❤

But that’s not what the op is saying is it? 🙄

I really hate all the pressure at Christmas from different sides of the family! It feels all wrong. People should just do what they want. I think once you're over 18 there should be no expectations placed upon you to visit anyone. As long as you get to catch up at some point over the festive season I guess. 🤷‍♀️

I am not going to resent my DC if they go elsewhere for Xmas Day once they are adults. We will have enjoyed 18 family Christmases by the . If they choose to go on holiday or spend the day with their partners parents I'll enjoy the chance to do my own thing, go away, check into a hotel or stay home in my PJ's drinking bubbly.

Also do you see her more in the year in general as

my MIL likes to spend occasions with us but she lives nearer and we often pop in, this week we’ve been there 5 times for anywhere between 10 mins and 2 hours. DP also took her out Saturday morning . My parents are further away and also work so I never see them at weekends unless a birthday and sometimes not even then. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable that on occasions like Christmas when they have time off worked booked we make the effort to go and see them or have them come to us. MIL has other family she can see who don’t make as much of an effort on the day to day with her .

I am considerate in terms of things like making an effort to visit my mum, even when sometimes I'd rather not bother.

Never visiting would be inconsiderate.

My mum laying down her idea of the correct frequency of my visits without any concern for my wants and needs would be much much more inconsiderate.

On what basis does you DIL owe you anything, a single thing?

Do you have a veto over how your son and DIL wish to arrange their relationship?

my son tentatively suggested we go there for Xmas, which would have been fine. Then, weeks beforehand she said no, she was going to her parents

Do you mean to go to their home and DIL not go away? Or, do you mean join her family gathering (which would be odd)? I think she has firmly established her preferences and doesn't want to come to you for Xmas, giving up a special time with her family. That may be selfish of her but tough. Your DS accepts that's the way it is. You'd be best not to come between them however subtle your comments or requests.

If you do manage to get her to give up the Xmas she loves with her family do you think she'll really like it? Make other times of the year the focus of your hosting.

What I meant to say was if your DIL’s family live in France she might see Christmas as the one time she can see them all