To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Lol this thread is bonkers.

Yabu. You don’t get to decide where she goes for Xmas. She doesn’t stop your son coming to you.

I don’t ever go to my in-laws and haven’t for years (8 years approx). It’s boring and the food is crap. I’d rather spend it with my family, I never stop my partner going but that doesn’t mean I want to go either. It’s my Xmas too.

PS: You can't 'expect' a grown adult to do your bidding. Perhaps it's your attitude that puts her off.

Rather a deliberate misinterpretation. He does not need my 'permission" of course he does not. But normal well balanced grown ups do care about the feelings of those they love. I have always made light of it in the past, and said not to worry we will have Xmas another day etc etc. If you want to call that "giving permission" then so be it. Just don't see why it has to be me that does that every year.

It's weird to me, but each to their own... I can't imagine spending Christmas separately with husband. We did it when we weren't married too. I used to spend one day with my family and one day with his.

Wow, you really do think you own people, don't you?

It's not for you to tell him where he can go or what he can do. It's patently obvious why yuor DIL doesn't come to you for Xmas!

I take it they don’t have children?

From your post I take it she doesn’t get together with her family throughout the year as you mentioned family in France? Is Christmas the only time of year where she sees them all together?
Do you see her and the rest of your family at other various events together throughout the year which is why she prioritises them at Christmas?

🤣🤣🤣

I think your son and his wife spending Christmas apart is quite unusual, but I don’t think taking turns has to be the answer.

When DH and I got together and then when we had our first DC both sets of our parents seemed to expect that we would start taking it in turns to spend Christmas with them. The thing is growing up, both DH and I spent Christmas in our own homes with our grandparents sometimes visiting us so it was an odd expectation from our respective parents that now as adults with our own family that we would still be away from our home over Christmas when they never had.

We spend Christmas at home as a family and one set we often visit the week before and the other set comes down to see us the week after. I don’t mind visiting and having people visit of course but I did resent the assumption that we would go to them.

You feel rejected by her, is the bottom line.

Perhaps she has other pressures on her from her side, explaining why she needs to go every year.

Perhaps she doesn't want to spend as much time with you, as you want to spend with her.

Perhaps Christmas is a very meaningful time for her (possible, if she doesn't live in her home country) and being with DH's side of the family doesn't make up for the loss she would feel.

Just let it go. Don't take it personally. She is indeed rejecting you, but it could very well not be personal. Sounds like it isn't, given you generally get along.

Your feelings aside, I think it's pretty shitty that she's made her DP choose between her and his parents every single year for 16 years.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. My in laws are pretty boring and I do inwardly sigh the years it is their turn. But, as much as I love Christmas (and I do an unhealthy amount) I find it is only fair. My parents are divorced so my family do get two 'turns' so I only see them once in 3.

It is a bit off to not do it at all. Are they planning to have kids? I would hold out hope for them!

I'm with you there. It places a conventional set of obligations on people that no other holiday does.

Give me the Easter break in preference any day: so much more relaxed, no set-in-stone collection of 'traditions' to be adhered to, can go away or stay at home as we please, and to top it off it' a beautiful (the best!) time of year with spring just bursting out and with nice, light nights.

That said, I'm an 'anything goes' type person who prefers not to be stymied by routine and everything being the same each year. My DH is just the opposite!; the one good thing being that spending Christmas anywhere other than his own home is unthinkable for him. (But I want to go to Hawaii!)

OP, your DS has autonomy of choice: he can come to you if he so wishes. Your DiL is fine with that, so from that perspective isn't trying to dictate what they both do. She also has family she doesn't see at any other time, which does make her position understandable.

You have a right to be disappointed, and I understand that you are. You would be very unwise to turn this into a battleground, though, and personally I'd bite my tongue and refrain from saying anything at all. Unfair it might seem, but when there's a clash of wits between a DiL and a MiL, the MiL rarely wins.

Could you perhaps invite them over to spend Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with you instead?

My mother expected us at her house every Christmas Day - she’s now in her late eighties and it’s still happening. We never had a chance as a family to have our own Xmas traditions and my sons have now left home.

it’s just another day and no one should be expected to take a turn anywhere. I resent my mother for insisting we go to her year after year - or suffer her tantrums. You sound very understanding so I’d let them do things their own way. Do a nice meal another day.

Well, she wants to spend Christmas with her family, and after all these years, she doesn’t see you as part of her family. But interestingly, she’s optional about if she sees your DS, her DP for years - as her family.

Say nothing, beyond inviting and making it clear you’d like to see ds - with or without his DP. Make a big fuss of any partners of your other dcs who do visit.

You can expect all you want but it's not your decision. If you want to maintain a good relationship with her then you should let this go.

YANBU

I would hate to spend Christmas apart from DH!

We have no idea if she’s done that or not. For all we know, her husband could love his French christmases with the in-laws and dread his own familial obligations. He might want to spend every Christmas in France but politely goes to OP’s every few years when pressured. Short of MN threads becoming an “all involved parties” Jeremy Kyle episode, we’ve only got OP’s side of the story here.

OP - I agree that many posters are wilfully misinterpreting what you are saying. I sounds like DIL's traditions and family are super important to her. I think the best you can do is create a new "festive season" tradition that perhaps the whole family can do. eg Christmas eve or boxing day or new years eve or first-Sunday-after-Christmas.

I would personally also ask your son if there's anything you can do to make it so that she'd be up for it, but in a careful way.

I speak as someone who hasn't had christmas with my family for quite a few years but has nonetheless agreed to another christmas with DH's family because there are genuine extenuating circumstances that would make us refusing to go to them for Christmas a bit mean.

I don't think anybody is obligated to visit anyone else at any time, including Xmas, so probably best just to say nothing.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks ah, my mother has Easter traditions too from Maundy Thursday to Easter Monday. You won’t get out of it that easily 😉

@Ginny1987 it’s insightful, I feel I understand my own mother better.

But you understand that people other than you exist, and they have different opinions to you?

I think that very gently, you are being unreasonable. It's absolutely understandable that you'd love her to join you but not something you should raise. I still go to my own mums on my own for Christmas as I worry not many left and then have family time with my partner on boxing Day. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to see her own family.

I have been with DH for 14 years and never once gone to my inlaws at Christmas (we have two DC).

We either go to my parents or they come to us.

I have many reasons for this. Number one being that I hate my FIL with such passion I have to limit my interactions with him (DH also has many many issues with him) in fact many of the earlier missed Christmases with them come from him being an arsehole and DH falling out with him.

They also spend Christmas day getting absolutley pissed. I don't drink but DH does and my family do so I get having a drink at Christmas but I don't think the levels they drink to would make for a very fun day for my DC.

YABU, she likes to spend Christmas with her own family and doesn't mind your son spending it with you