To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

I’d feel happy that my children and their partners are spending Christmas Day how they wanted and not with me out of some unspoken obligation.

I don’t see Christmas Day as such a big deal as some posters and think it’s insane so many put so much emphasis on a single day and then moan/rant about how stressed they are, how things didn’t turn out how they wanted, and how miserable they are on Christmas. It is not that serious, and life is too short, imo.

If I don’t see them on Christmas Day, wouldn’t bother me. Heck, I’d likely be that mum or MIL that goes off somewhere for Christmas and comes back with presents around New Years.

If you're the type of person in real life stubborn and argumentative that you've shown here, it's not surprising that she wants to be with her family at Christmas. Your continued retorts are exhausting.

I felt compelled to come back and add we did our own thing until we had kids and for context we met in 2003 & had our first child in 2017.

2017 was also the last Christmas my Mum was alive and we spent that one and with them. The following year I hosted for both families, then we began to alternate. I feel heartsick the years I don’t spend with my family because of the loss of Mum but my MIL is great and puts no expectation on us whatsoever. We alternate because I want my children to have their own special memories and traditions with both families x

We always took turns, his/my family, christmas or new year. It depended on 2 of my sisters and 1 SIL, all nurses, depending on when they had to work. It already was quite an accomplishment they were able to arrange being off duty at the same day! My PIL both were single children as is my husband, so it always was just them and his grandma. And when we saw them we received and I did all the cooking. So they really had 't any reason to go against the arrangement with my family (my parents, 7 children+partner, 22 grandchildren and now a lot of partners and GGchildren)

Oh dearyme....what a to do...some people here are so nasty. I feel for poster. I would ask her whole family one year and just say that you want to experience what its like being with everyone one time. Maybe not practical for whoke family but her and her parents....I suppose. Just say it would make you happybif you could do it just the one time. Say it would mean a lot and that you will not ask again if they grant you this wish. Tell her you care about her and want to spend the day with her as well as your son.

Why don’t you tell you son to be with her every year and just zoom them ask them to come to you once a year at a time of their choosing for like a summer party etc or something together and with her parents if she would like

I don’t understand this. They are adults. They can do what they want for Christmas?
You can do what you want too?

Surely if your daughter in law wanted to spend Christmas Day with you and your family, she would’ve by now. I think you need to be more respectful of her choices and stop thinking you are owed a Christmas with her there.
Why would you want someone there who obviously wants to be elsewhere?
Think how miserable she’d be, just to make sure you happy.

I guess my point was I just get on do all this so the inlaws aren’t aware that I don’t enjoy it. Maybe your DIL doesn’t either and would feel she had to grin and bear it too.

So how many times a year do you see your DIL? Because I have seen occasions where you say you do new year's, one where she came but left on Christmas eve and it sounds like she lives close by. But it is hard to tell with from your posts. You made it very clear that she sees her extended family twice a year. So, your answer to me would mean that she only visits you once a year. Whenever that may be. And I guess it is possible, but I am having a hard time believing that you would come on here and not mention that she only visits you once a year.

We’ve been married 13 years and together 17 years and I confess we’ve never spent Christmas Day with his parents. Which makes me feel bad reading your post. I have suggested inviting them here but DH/they are never keen and we’ve not gone to them as a plane ride away, DH never wants to as we both had demanding jobs right up to Christmas, we have 3 small (ish - now!) children, my parents are here/only have me and my in-laws have other grown up children they nearly always spend Christmas with.

However if it meant something to my MIL and she asked, I would definitely do. Does your DIL know how you feel?

No one is asking me so I’m not questioning as this is much easier! Honestly don’t think my in-laws want us and our three wild dogs children.

From this I do wonder if it comes down to a difference of perception about Christmas Day as opposed to 'the Christmas season'. We never spend Christmas Day itself with anyone else so we are often at one parents the weekend before and the others a few days after Boxing Day. It's no less special to us, but clearly you designate that as being a poor imitation.

She sounds like a spoilt idiot. I am.with you OP. I have kids though, with my ex so they now take precedent as we do amicable joint family day for them. Though that may change one day. To please my MIL, we fly to DPs country for which ever week of the hols we don't have the kids. She is nice and understands but then I make the effort back because I like his family.

The issue appears to be that the son misses his wife over Christmas.....they dont get to spend a Christmas together. Of course it isnt about taking turns...but in 16 years it is definitely off not to have spent one of those Christmases with her husband and his family.

I know Mumsnet hates a reverse but AIBU here? I only get to see my family, who live abroad, once a year at Christmas. It's important to me. I know my MIL would like me to spend Xmas with her sometimes, but she lives close by and I can see her anytime, so do you think I'm been unreasonable to keep one time a year for my own family? To be clear I don't stop her from seeing her son (my DH) at Xmas and he has spent Xmas with her several times even though I know he'd prefer to spend it with me. We do everything we can to keep her happy (suggesting we have a celebration on a different day etc) and she doesn't say anything, but it's obvious she's not happy and makes us feel really guilty. Is it really so unfair that i keep this one time of year for a special time with my family, given that I make lots of time for my MIL the rest of the year and have a good relationship with her?

In all that time, have you never had a quiet word with your son to see if there's an issue ?

I'd certainly stop facilitating another Christmas for them

YABU if u have never voiced your opinion but I kinda get it. I would much prefer to be with my family every Christmas as my in laws just don’t do Christmas the same at all… just another day to them really (arguments, moaning, sitting watching tv all day etc) however every couple of years I make the point in doing Xmas dinner with them but then return to my parents of an evening instead. We have DS now so defo feel there’s more of an expectation to start taking it in turns which is annoying and next year when he will be more into Xmas I think I may just start staying at home!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, it wouldn't hurt her to do one joint Christmas

Oh this is awful - I can't believe some of the replies here and the way people are wilfully misinterpreting the OP and projecting like lighthouses all over the place. I really think that the OP is being as gentle and generous as it is possible to be under the circumstances and her DIL really needs to think beyond her own needs just for once.
for you OP

freddo has summed it up really well !

Agree.

It sounds like your dil is very emotionally close with her geographically distant siblings so being with them at Christmas, as one of a few times a year she gets to see them, is very important to her. A family gathering of just her, siblings, and her parents may just mean so much to her because of that very reason. Her parents may also really impress upon her that they want all together at Christmas, so she may feel pressure from her mother and since you don’t put any pressure, she naturally will do what her mother wants.

So I think it’s not that she doesn’t want to be with her husband’s family but that she really loves being with, or feeling expectations of being with, her own family at Christmastime, especially when it is one of the only times a year she has the chance. Her parents may remind her of that too which puts pressure. At least she doesn’t insist on her husband coming with her.

Do you do things with your dil regularly? Are you friends? I would suggest you cultivate a closer relationship with her, one on one, and that might lead to her wanting to spend Christmas with you which could lead to alternating being with your family at Christmas.

What is this expect bollocks?

Just sounds like she just doesn't want to spend Christmas with you.

YANBU to want to spend the occasional Xmas day with all of your family
I think if you are part of an established couple then it is reasonable to compromise and share time at Xmas between different sides of the family .
Your DIL isn't prepared to do so, so your DS is stuck in the middle.
I dont think you can really say anything but I do understand your feelings.
It's nice your son still comes to you , I suspect many in his position wouldn't.

You know what? I genuinely wouldn't mind. I'd mind if my sons never wanted to visit me (but I'd examine my own behaviour first to see why that was) but if they said, for example, that they planned to spend every Xmas day in holiday, I wouldn't mind at all. I'd invite them over for twixmas or new year or whatever and we'd all have a pizza and a walk and a laugh, and I wouldn't mind at all. Xmas is supposed to be a time of celebration, fun and relaxation to help get us through the winter, I don't understand why so many people make their leisure time into work and then upset themselves over it. (Kn another thread recently someone said they'd prefer to stay home alone than go to a house that substituted pie for turkey. I'll never, ever, understand that way of thinking. For me, fun is supposed to be fun.)

I’ve only read your messages, OP, so forgive me if someone’s already said this, but have you considered that the reason she always goes to her parents might be due to some kind of dysfunction with her parents /her family?

Maybe she had a dysfunctional parent who makes her life hell if she dares to have Christmas anywhere but their family home? 🤷‍♀️