To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Are you getting it?

If you have unrequited love (so to speak), isn't it cathartic to have the person show/tell you 16 times that they prefer someone else?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I kind of admire your stubbornness. But really, this is doing no good. You're just winding yourself up (it's 8th November!). It's not going to happen, and even if it does you will feel second best.

Bit harsh! It’s not unreasonable to hope for one time they all go to her! Not once in 15 years????!!!!

I’m not sure why there’s so much animosity towards you on this thread OP. Almost everyone I know (who still has both sets of parents) alternates between them. We have Christmas Day with one and Boxing Day with the other and the next year we switch - I wouldn’t be mean enough to my DH to stop him having Christmas Day with his own family every second year and I would want to spend it with him, whether or not I would prefer to spend it with my own family.

I do think your DIL is being a bit unreasonable not to compromise, it shouldn’t always have to be you. I wonder what they would do if they ever had children?

I think you should take a step back from this and count your blessings. You have raised your children to adulthood and they have had enjoyable family Christmases growing up. They have chosen partners and lives and are forging futures for themselves. I know women who are facing Christmas this year after losing their children and grandchildren to cancer and illness and you've spent 32 pages whining about a grown woman who either doesn't much like your company or has some reason she wants to be with her family that she has chosen not to share with you, maybe something difficult from her childhood? Either way you need to get over it and maybe find yourself a hobby.

I live 300 miles from the rest of my family, and 2 minutes from DH's family. Over the last few years we've started just spending it together in our own home. But for the first several years he went to his parents and I went to mine to see family I often don't see for the rest of the year. We would rather not be apart for Christmas, but also both wanted to see family. Not sure how that makes anyone a spoilt brat?

she was talking about my circumstances. Not yours.

32 pages whinging, when there are people dying of cancer. Wow, that is a bit of stretch/

You need to do Christmas again on another day. Your dil would hate Christmas at yours, not because of you but because Christmas is all about tradition and being with her family is part of that. So make a new tradition. Make new year your thing, or the Sunday before Christmas.

It’s her life and her choice.You are being unreasonable. She gets to decide what she wants to do with her life and at Christmas. You should expect her to do that and nothing more. You should not expect her to appease you or conform with your wishes and expectations of what is fair at Christmas or any other time of the year. Extend a warm invitation without pressure or judgement and maybe one Christmas she will take you up on it.

Do not expect other individuals to do what you want or what you think is reasonable/fair and be happy that your son married a strong independant woman instead of a wet blanket who does what other people want her to do.

If you really miss her, make alternative family time/ arrangements at other times of the year available for her to visit you. Accept her decision and show her some respect.

Jeez some harsh messages here. I think you have every right to nicely say we would really love you here for Xmas day one year. Do you think of would be possible, I know you love spending it with your family.
tbh I can remember the first time spending Xmas elsewhere was ready weird but then of course you get used to it.
since kids we do one year at home and my family come and one year with the in-laws in France. I do feel like we try and accommodate everyone else’s wishes and needs before our own, dc and parents but it’s the way it is, maybe that’s what takes the shine off Xmas as you get older.

What if I am quite enjoying it? I have stopped arguing with real people. Far too combative and damaging. Now I do this. It is normally Daily Mail comments site to argue with racists and anti-vaxxers. But this'll do.

I think it's a real shame. It would be fine if you weren't bothered about Christmas Day but you are. Doesn't have to be turns but not once in 16 years seems really sad. Your DIL is being disingenuous saying your DS can come to you if he wants but she's not going to come with him; obviously he will want to be with her. I think either you or your other children have unknowingly upset her in the past on the topic of Christmas or she doesn't care (or is thoughtless) about the effect on his side of the family that boycotting Christmas day has. Your DS should say to his wife that "this year we are going to my parents, it's only one day, it will mean so much to my mum, its my childhood Christmas same as yours etc etc". If shes a kind unselfish person who is interested in his side of the family she might go, however annoyed she gets on the day! We've all had to bite the bullet on this re Christmas and in-laws!!!

Agree completely with this.

the only time this becomes unfair is when your partner (male or female) puts pressure on you to one way or the other. In OPs position for example, DS reguarly spends Christmas with DIL and her family. If DIL is pressuring for this the it’s not fair.

My BIL spends EVERY Christmas with his DP and it breaks his mums (my MIL) heart!. BIL GF is controlling type and I suspect he’d rather rotate as we do, but darent rock the boat.

I think OP needs to speak to her son, but absolutely should not expect DIL to spend Christmas with her, and should not take this personally ❤️

If shes a kind unselfish person who is interested in his side of the family she might go, however annoyed she gets on the day! We've all had to bite the bullet on this re Christmas and in-laws!!!
But why?! Why should DIL actively make herself unhappy and why would anyone want someone there at Christmas who doesn’t want to be there? Because I don’t think OP wants a sullen, resentful DIL at Christmas, there under pressure and “biting the bullet”: she wants something that is never going to happen – for DIL to want to be there. DIL doesn’t want to, so she shouldn’t.

@maryanne3 - wow. I feel like you’ve been attacked quite a bit here. I’m probably in the minority here but I do see where you are coming from.

I’ve been married nearly 20 years. For the first 10 years or so I would spend Christmas Day at my in laws and then Boxing Day at my parents 2 hours away. Christmas at my in-laws wasn’t the same as it was at my parents. I tried to make it more interesting etc but if I’m honest it was just boring. But I did it because for it was one day. I would then spend a few days with my family and still be on the Christmas spirit etc.

recently we have started to have Xmas day lunch with my in-laws and then go to my parents same day and spend the evening there and stay. My in-laws don’t say anything as I think they understand and really aren’t bothered about Xmas.

im not saying your DIL should do this but do think it wouldn’t hurt or to have spent some Christmas days with your family. I personally find it selfish. When I married my husband I married him knowing and understanding that we should take both families into account. That is marriage, it’s not just about what your DIL wants and all I can see is a selfish person who has made it clear she doesn’t care about Xmas at yours.

i also think you should have raised it sooner and not waited 16 years. Or spoken to your son as really it sounds like he doesn’t care that his wife does not want to spend Xmas with his family.

having said all this I would ask does she spend Christmas Eve with your family or any day over the period with the whole family on your side?

So I have read this massive thread and I voted that you are not unreasonable as you say that your son in law and wife has been together for 16 years so we ain’t talking a couple of years. Therefore in 16 years not to have come to yours for just one is disgusting and very selfish. You also stated that you got your son to ask about you coming to theirs one Xmas then she was dithering but then said no, as she went to her parents. That is one daughter in law that you say is nice I would argue hell no she isn’t. She obviously doesn’t want you there but here’s the thing if marriage is a compromise why is your son so dam weak that he can’t put his foot down and tell her like a man that niece they will have Xmas with you especially that time you rented a lovely house by the sea? But I would say this this bothers you it’s quite clear that it does and life is to short why don’t you say something to her? Why don’t you say that this has really upset you over the last 16 years and a few things will happen she will get upset and poss not talk to you again we’ll if she does that that’s her true self isn’t it. Or maybe she will say sorry I didn’t realise this maybe your son hasn’t communicated this to her and she may or may not invite you but at least you got your peace off your chest. I honestly don’t get why folks don’t be forthcoming and more honest about their feelings any way chin up you sound lovely by the way

Haven't read the full thread but you've had some harsh responses here OP. YANBU in my view. We more or less alternate. It's only fair really.
But I don't know what you can do about it, you can't force her to come.

I just think she really can't imagine a Christmas anywhere but her family home and doesn't feel it will be a proper Christmas if she is elsewhere. Like when people say they could never go to Australia for Christmas because the weather is meant to be cold. Either that or her mum is dictating that she has to be there and she feels unable to say no. But it isn't very mature of her either way. If it was me, I wouldn't mind in the slightest who was there and who wasn't but I'd be rather offended if one particular person was never there, I admit. But I think it's more that she feels she has to be there, rather than not wanting to be with you.

I think people are being really harsh OP. I don't think it's unreasonable for them both to come to you occasionally at xmas. I wonder how all these people would feel if this was them. God forbid anyone think of other people's feelings or compromise! I hope they come to you this year OP

YABU. I am the DIL who will never spend a Christmas with my in-laws as long as I live. I love Christmas too much to do that lol, my partner is welcome to but nah. I love the holidays and I look forward to it. I ignore the emotional blackmail. Christmas is just different at my MILs. It’s low-key, watching telly all day, very formal and stuffy. At ours my nieces and nephews are round, we play games, we can schlub about and it’s just relaxing. People should be able to spend the day how they want to, it’s nobody’s day and nobody should feel obligated IMO. I wouldn’t hold it against my brother for instance if he spent it with his wife’s family because we’d see him Boxing Day and he’s an adult male. I don’t think she’s selfish but I am biased. Christmas is once a year and it should be the day everyone should spend in the way that makes them happiest.

Plus she sees a lot of her extended family and depending on ages having kids and cousins and a wider family totally changes the dynamic of Christmas.

YABU just try to see it from her perspective. She still sees you on your day you have yours and your boy still comes to visit you if he likes - she’s a pretty nice DIL. I would just let it go imo.

I think there is much to much emotional blackmail about who spends Christmas etc. My daughter and family always went to his mum who lived quite a distance away.I didn't mind as I saw them regularly and we did lots in the weeks before Christmas. Life's too short.

Actually she was calling your DIL a spoilt brat for wanting to see family she often doesn't. Similar to my circumstances.

You are coming across as very controlling now in your posts. If you are this passive aggressive towards her and your son it's not a surprise you don't see them often or that they don't want to come for Xmas.
It's a low blow assuming she and her family are controlling and laying down the law. You've now blamed the wife, a sibling, her parents and generally her whole family.

YABU. They can spend Christmas with whoever they like. I'm surprised they aren't doing Xmas by themselves and popping in on relatives, but it's not my relationship and there are a million reasons people choose who to spend Xmas with.

If you are always moving the date you have xmas dinner and presents it’s no wonder she won’t compromise. At the moment she gets to have Christmas with her family and your son gets to have his ‘Christmas’ with you, if you see what I mean. I would stop recreating Xmas day on any other day than the 25th and see if that changes the dynamic.