To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Well done to your DIL for standing up for herself and spending Christmas where she wants to. I hated being dragged to the in-laws for Christmas. No Christmas TV, you keep getting dragged out for walks. You feel like you need to be on your best behaviour all the time. You have to get up in the mornings, no lie-ins. Its freezing as putting the heating on would cost money. You can't choose when you eat or when you open presents. It's like being a kid again. The only thing worse is when the in-laws come to us...

Life can require compromise and your DIL doesn't want to do that. Could they do Christmas Day with her family and Christmas Eve or New Years Eve at yours? Or Christmas for a few days with her family and then a few days around New Year at yours? My sister has Christmas Eve with her kids and their dad has them on Christmas Day. It works for them all - 2 x Christmas dinners, who wouldn't be up for that?!

My DP is frontline worker and works most Xmas and NY. When he's off we go to his and when he's not I go to mine. I don't mind doing this.

However, I get your POV but as long as you see your son then it shouldn't matter.

I wouldn't voice this to her or him. It may cause trouble and resentment. Just enjoy the day and be pleased you have one less to cook for

Some replies on here are making me laugh. They might be your DIL in disguise.

YANBU to want your DS and DIL together with you for Christmas. If she's making no allowances fir that, we'll, sounds unreasonable me. But you can't force these things, can you.

All you can do is shrug it off and enjoy your time regardless x

It sounds like the DIL did go and spend Christmas eve with them at least once, but that wasn't good enough. I am not getting the issue either. I would guess that the DIL sees the MIL a lot more often than the twice a year she sees the rest of her family.

you guess wrong.

Her family have nothing to do with you, though? Of course they can do exactly what they want for Christmas, as independent actors. It has a knock-on effect on you in that DIL chooses to go to her family for Christmas, but negotiation? Lines drawn? Fit around them? It’s all so inflammatory when they don’t owe you anything at all. Their daughter married your son, that’s all.

I think you are projecting your experience on to this. Our Xmasses are not much different to the ones they have at her parents, from what I gather through three different sources. And when we do have our "Xmas Day" finally, then always goes well; everybody mucks in making cocktails, there is an optional walk to work off the dinner, but nobody is forced to come; telly watching for those who want it, lovely fire in front room, games round the big kitchen table for those who want to do that. It is very relaxed. So no.

Personally I think YABU.
Prior to having kids I went to my M&D and he went to his. That said, we saw my parents Xmas Eve and his Boxing Day so we did have family time with both families. Now we have kids we alternate.

I have to admit with the above that you are using quite inflammatory language around all of this and have in a number of your posts.
I do understand your disappointment, but I don't think you are being that logical about the logistics of visiting family from abroad.

It's so true that your DIL does not need to negotiate with you and you are not having to fit around her family as you have your own to celebrate with!

It’s lovely she is doing what makes her happy and letting your son do the same - Christmas shouldn’t be about turns !

I don't think you're unreasonable to have a wish or a dream, but I don't think it's anything to do with "fairness". There are so many factors - how far away people are, how often they see each other. If you have two other children spending christmases often with you, does it really matter if your DIL spends hers elsewhere? What if they wanted to spend Christmas quietly at home? Would that be a problem? If it's quite hard for her to see her family at other times it might well be it's more to do with that than being unfair as you put it as such. If you see them at other times, then what does it matter? Not everyone wants to do Christmas and tagging along on a big family christmas can also be quite stressful for some. If you get along fine then maybe it doesn't have to be a problem? Do you travel about to see family at Christmas yourself or do you want the other people to do the traveling. Because it can be quite a daunting andstressful thing in itself all the traveling about at a busy and bad weather time of year. I think people should do what they want as far as possible. You're not being left on your own or anything so I don't really think you need to put an expectation on them.

I don’t yet have a DiL but I’d be delighted to have my son all to myself. I’d hate to see him upset so I’d not make Xmas day into a big deal.

interesting, I have been accused of "performative" drama, been called the MiL from hell, told I am controlling and narcissistic. But I am the one using inflammatory language. Interesting. Tell me how that works.

Gosh, you're really sore about this aren't you OP? I've commented a few times, you're up to nearly 800 posts/opinions, but you're steadfast in your view that it's only fair that DIL should come to you.

She doesn't want to. Whether or not that's fair isn't the matter and doesn't change anything. You can accept it, or not accept it. That won't change the fact that she doesn't want to spend Christmas Day with you. She's shown this by her actions (if not her word) 16 times. Why are you still struggling with this? What do you want from this thread?

Wild horses wouldnt drag me to spend Christmas with my in laws.
Nothing against them but my Christmas is with my family and that's how it's staying

Catharsis.

If this is so important for her, you can't really make her do it differently, especially after 16 years.

I would talk about spending Christmas at mine throughout the year (s) but alternatively would have a different celebration at mine (Easter ect.) that she has to make.

They are very different.
Her family are there.
Not at yours.

I voted YABU. But that being said I do see both sides of this…

I split Christmas with my partner, have for the last 6 years. He’s very close to his family and I’m very close to mine. But I wouldn’t want to spend it apart from him.

however… if I was happy to spend it apart from him then I would go to my family. I love my in laws, I think they’re fab. But it’s not the same. I want to see my family I haven’t seen for 6 months to a year, when we all get together there’s so much buzz and atmosphere, it’s amazing to see us all together, and it only happens once a year(or once every 2 years in my case)!

my point is this… she is not being unreasonable AT ALL, please don’t direct this to her. The issue is you and your son. If she’s happy to be apart from him, then he should do the same and you should expect that of him. You can’t be passive and then get mad at her. If he starts coming to you regularly and that becomes the norm, and she sees a future of christmases apart, she may be more inclined to share, just as I did…

I’d suggest doing this and having this conversation with your son sooner rather than later because I predict this will turn sour when there are grandbabies!!

You'd be much better off in this situation offering to have them round on a different convenient day, for a lovely meal, some boardgames or whatever takes your fancy. Or suggest a trip all together to an NT place that has Christmas events. She's decided for whatever reason that she is not coming to yours at Christmas and that she isn't bothered about spending it with your son either if he wants to come to yours. While that might be unreasonable that is his problem to deal with if he feels it is an issue.

With introspection can you think of ANY reason, no matter how trivial it seems to you, why she might not want to come to yours? It might just be that she likes her routine with her parents or they've got no-one else to be with while you do, or they are in less good health or something. Or even that she and a bunch of old school friends always go out in her hometown every Christmas Eve. Or it might be she doesn't like your company.

Emotive subject. People should go where they want, family, in-laws, their own home. Taking turns works for a while, then when you want to stay at home, the persons whose turn it was, gets upset, arguments etc. Maybe her family will be upset if she didn't go to them, maybe your son would like to go with her, but worried about upsetting you. Ask your son to be honest, where would he like to be, with his parents or with his wife. Accept what he says. If he wants to go with his wife, don't make him feel bad about it. Enjoy Christmas with your partner.

THIS

You cannot force you desire/wish on DIL. Nobody should feel compelled to take turns and be forced into something they don’t want.

we celebrate Xmas on Boxing Day with my SD and her partner/children and her mum expects her to spend Xmas there. We don’t want to make it difficult for anyone and have a fantastic Boxing Day.

OP I think you sound lovely and are getting a really hard time. I posted before to say DH and take it in turns to visit my family and his family at Christmas. I didn’t mention that actually my family is also abroad, and so it is really only ever other year that all of us get together which is a bit crap to be fair. We are planning to move closer to PIL so might change that up a bit and go to my parents a bit more for Christmas, as we will see a LOT more of my PIL for the rest of the year. I wouldn’t do it every single year though.

When I was growing up we spent a lot of Christmasses with my Dad’s family. This was ‘expected’ (sorry!) by my grandmother, and my mum is a real softie/ people pleaser and went along with it. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realised how hurt my mum was about this. She lost both her parents much earlier than my dad and only has one sibling that she would have loved to have spent time with. So it’s always been on my mind that no matter how much I’d prefer to be with my family, it’s not fair to my DH (let alone to his family) to spend every Christmas with them.

I also agree with you that lots of those saying YABU and that DIL can do what she wants, might not end up so relaxed about it when it is their DC who never show up as adults. I have a friend who has only sons, she never wants to go to her in laws and I just think - you’re laying a template for your sons when they grow up and get married. Fine if you don’t care but I suspect lots would.

My parents are like you, they never put pressure on us either way which is really nice. However, I know they love to have us. I wouldn’t put pressure on my DC when they grow up either but really really hope they would still like to spend Christmas with us sometimes!

Mine too, only it was my Dad’s last Christmas, he died the following May. To make it worse, he rang to speak to me and was passed around (obviously) she hung up after her turn so all I managed to say was “Happy Christmas”. It was his favourite time of the year and it still stings nearly 20 years later.