To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Some posts are unkind, suggesting almost that you are demanding of your son and daughter in law. I just see a mum who would love to have her whole family together once in a while - every 3rd year say - so she can celebrate with all her children & grandchildren. You have tried to accommodate her, the house by the sea was a lovely idea, but to no avail. I wonder what she says to her parents about why she never goes to yours? Actually I'm surprised they don't insist she goes to you occasionally, I know I would, in the cause of marital harmony. I think that at this stage in their marriage & Christmasses, you will just have to focus on your other children and love your time with them.

Nope didn't say you shouldn't see him if he wants it.
But it's their choice how to spend Christmas as a family.
Just as it's your and your partner's choice how to spend yours and that includes not being everyone's mug.
You and your partner obviously get to call the shots when they are children, but once they are adults they do what suits them.

Insist? Like they have any status in what she does.

Maybe she says

"I Want to be here"

And as respectful adults they don't comment.
I would hope that once my children reach adulthood they freely do as they wish and I would be appalled if another adult thought they could insist sweet FA.

I can totally understand why you would want to have your DIL with your family at Christmas, and it's a testimony to your affection to her to want her to be close. But if the rest of her family is far away, she may have few opportunities each year to see them. And if her extended family gathers each year at Christmas (in France, perhaps), it makes sense that she'd want to be part of that. I'd say to your son that he should feel free to go with his wife to her family every other year at Christmas.

I agree with you OP. Its basic kindness and thoughtfulness within a) a partnership (her behaviour does not strike me as thoughtful towards her husband! and b) wider family of one's partner, if only to make life pleasant for your partner!

So many times, I see the comment that an IL married their partner not their family ...but to me, compromising over family stuff on both sides is part of a partnership

I would give your son the option to spend Christmas with her and her family. If he feels obliged to spend it with you, but would rather be with her he’ll appreciate it. If he wants to be with you he’ll still appreciate the thought.

I do. Sometimes he goes there, sometimes he stays with us.

I’d rather have no one there who would rather be somewhere else. I think it’s good that she can be where she wants and he can be where he wants.

She should do what she wants to at Christmas. I think more people should do this instead of being miserable.

I understand both sides of this but in the end it's just one day and one big dinner!

I wonder if DS and DIL ask for their own “Christmas Day” with you because they think it’s what you want, OP? And actually, they’d be right wouldn’t they?

Also I wouldn’t mind betting that your DIL is the one encouraging DS to spend Christmas with you. So perhaps she’s considering your feelings more than you know.

In which case why are her family allowed to make such a big deal out of it, no negotiation, lines drawn, Xmas Day is sacrosanct, and everybody else just has to fit around them?

What I want, which I think I have made clear, is a whole family Xmas Day just once in a while. I think I have also made clear that doing two Xmasses can be a bit of a faff, and to be honest the shine has well and truly gone off it by the 28th. How from that have you deduced that I secretly want a separate Xmas day with them? Really? Show me the words.

Some people take Christmas way too seriously 🤣

It's very kind of you to offer an invite. YABU expecting her to accept it. I've never been to my PIL for Christmas Day and won't go whilst my parents are still around. Some of us just want to be with our own parents on the day. It's nothing personal.

Would it be possible for you to suggest you would like to start a new tradition of Christmas breakfast (or similar) where you would like them to come to you for an hour or so in the morning for a Christmas breakfast and to exchange presents. Making it clear that you're not expecting them to stay the whole day unless they want too! If possible they could also stay Christmas Eve? I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask you see them partially as long as everyone lives close by?

..and no, I don't think she is. If you knew the long detailed history of this, which I have not had time to go into, I think he has had to put his foot down to say he will come to me sometimes on Xmas Day from time to time.

Time was when he tried to please us both with meal at ours, then taxi over to hers for another meal. It was ridiculous. Which is why I have said just go to hers. He is the one who chooses to stay with us sometimes (house by the sea year is one example).

I ever wanted to spend Christmas with my husbands family and once my dad died I got lumbered with my mother as my brother never had her on Christmas Day Now my children have family I leave them to do what they would like

I think waaay too many comments are being so harsh. You are not being unreasonable. I think it's just more sad on your part that you don't get a turn. Me personally, I do xmas' in turns, one year mine (we both go) one year my inlaws (we both go), also no kids yet. I think it's only right to spend the day fairly over the years, because I love both sides so much. It's hard not seeing my family one year and also hard not seeing my in laws the next. Its about balance and making memories on both sides of the family. You can only express you would love to spend Xmas with them both at some point but again it is totally their decision, don't apply pressure, don't apply any upset or resentment. Just express your love. It's hard but I guess you just will know where you stand and it is what it is.

Tbh if they are ok with it as a couple, then you should be too. I think people should spend Xmas how they wish. If they had kids it would be a different.

But the reason her family make a big deal out of it and that the day is sacrosanct (your words) is that there is visiting family from abroad who have made a huge effort to come over for Christmas. It then isn't unreasonable for those locally (DIL) to be present on Christmas Day itself.

However you may try and spin it, obviously your DIL does not see her family who live in France as much as she would if they lived in the UK. Therefore, she wants to spend this special time with them since they have made the effort to come over.

I do think this is part and parcel of families that are separated by living in different countries and the fact that there is an expectation to then be present for big "high days and holidays" if they are over. I really do think that's just a fact of life really if they are close and enjoy spending time together. Some of it is just the logistics of it all.

From a DIL perspective
We go to my mother's house every year.
We sometimes go to my MIL on boxing day. Sometimes i invite her to our house on boxing day.
Christmas day is for my mum because we have family abroad so only have us all I'm same room twice a year. And my mum plays an active role in looking after our children.
My MIL, through her choice, does not.

So for me, if she was to suggest we went to hers for Christmas day, I'd have to disappoint. Not to say you don't have a more active role in their lives, but for us, I'm not willing to spend the most important day of the year with her when she makes no effort throughout the rest of it.

You nor anyone else have to fit around them.
She is going to do what she wants. Which is ansolutly fine

You are free to do what you want. Her family aren't asking you for anything.

I think you are INCREDIBLY unreasonable to think that people are entitled to "a turn" with family. FFS, outrageous. Utterly disgusting attitude.

I am in the same bracket as your DIL. Though my In laws and I do not get on, I tried Christmas with them one year and vowed never again. It was miserable! It does complicate things now as I’ve 2 kids and dread that conversation every year as i don’t want to ruin the festive atmosphere for my kids. They are super super close with my family and being at home for Xmas is what makes me happy as well