To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

The aspect I think is weird is DIL being quite happy to spend Christmases apart from her husband. By telling her DH that she is quite happy for him to go to OP, she is effectively putting her family ahead of her DH. Now that is a bit odd after 16 years together – does she put her own family ahead of DH in lots of other ways too @maryanne3?

If this was a poster was saying that her DH or DP always put his family ahead of OP, the thread would be full of posters calling it a 'red flag'.

I dont think its at all odd that DIL is happy to spend Xmas' apart. DIL clearly sees Christmas as a remembrance of how things were when she was young. It shows maturity that she doesnt expect her partner to tag along everytime. What I dont get is why OP and her son dont just follow suit and establish a pattern of him going over to his parents every year. Then everyone sees their own parents and that seems perfectly fair.

Would you be happy to spend every Christmas apart for your DH @Ehdhfwjcs? I think that's quite odd, not when you're newly dating of course, but when you've been married for a number of years.

But anyway my main query wasn't re. Christmas – if OP's DS and DIL are OK with being in different places at Christmas, that's up to them at the end of the day – but whether this is part of a trend from DIL? Does she always prioritise her family over her DH?

It is only Christmas Day that DIL doesn’t come but is there for other days. DIL might see Christmas as more than just Christmas Day which many people do so spends Christmas Day with her parents and sees others after. Not that out of the ordinary. Seen several threads with people spending Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other.

Considering OP’s son was with his wife for 8 years before he married her, he knew what Christmas Day was for her and that it was something she didn’t change. If it was such an issue of contention to him, he would have likely broken up with her years ago. I think most couples can go without seeing each other for a day and considering both sides are not that far from each other if I read the thread correctly, it’s likely not even a full day that the two are apart on Christmas.

My dear mother decided throw her “Christmas Day” on New Year’s Day. So we can all go where we want and do what we want on Xmas/Boxing day etc. She even invites all the in-laws if they want to come. It’s relaxed, buffet type affair and if we’ve not seen each other, an extra day of presents for the kids.

I often go abroad for Xmas and sometimes even miss her day, but I know it’s a relief for my siblings and saves this kind of angst.

@thing47 Personally I have never spent a Christmas together with my partner till I had kids. So from 18 to 38 - I either had them with my parent/family or by myself or with friends. I would usually go up on the 27th as I dont drive. I honestly dont see a problem with that. And currently my sibling is doing the same - things might change when they have kids but no one around us thinks thats weird or controlling

I think I have made it clear that I have done something along these lines for the last 16 years. Just bemused that it is always expected to be me.

Then don't do it. #

She doesn't want to come on Xmas. She doesn't have to. If you don't want to host another day, you don;t have to. You never had to.

It's really very simple

Oh dear, OP, the nastiness is out in force on here....everyone can do what they want to without accounting for anyone else? what a selfish mantra and one I bet they don't like when it suits them.

My middle son is married but they take it in turns to come to us for Xmas one year and Boxing Day the next. They have just had a little girl though so things might change, but I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to want a turn for your family with your son and his wife.

Well I am afraid I value my relationships with my DiL and son too much to deliver such "take it or leave it" ultimatums. So I will probably just carry on hosting another day for them.

It has been an instructive discussion nonetheless. I just hope some of the DiL on here who simply cannot see why they should ever be required to go to their in Laws for Xmas, do not live to regret this when they are MiL, and find themselves carved out of their sons/DiL plans for Xmas day for ever, without negotiation. I am sure they won't mind at all.

You're not carved out of your sons Xmas for ever, DQ, he comes to regularly!

I have never had a Xmas day with both of them there; and when he is there by himself he puts on a brave face, but he misses Xmas morning with her there is no doubt. So we just get to sit on the "miss you" Zoom calls. Since he has been to hers quite a few times for Xmas, I merely ask why I cannot, just once in a while be afforded the same privilege.

Since he has been to hers quite a few times for Xmas, I merely ask why I cannot, just once in a while be afforded the same privilege.

Because she doesn’t want to. And that’s okay.

But OP you are taking this too personally. Your DS comes to you regularly and they split their Christmas Day between their families. It is only your one DIL who does not come on Christmas Day itself.

Your DIL has family that lives abroad who make a huge effort to travel to the UK for a big family celebration on Christmas Day. I should imagine there is quite an expectation from her side of the family (together with her own wish) to be present to celebrate with the whole visiting family and have the chance to catch up with her relatives who live in France. She can see you at any other time of the year and she does.

Honestly if I was in her shoes I would do the same as well. Especially since you have been amenable to hosting Christmas on another date when no doubt the visiting French contingent have gone back home. But you really don't have to save Christmas and move it all to accommodate this. You can still have your own Christmas Day with presents etc with those that are available and then another meal with present swap for your DS and DIL when they are available.

I really could understand your resentment if your DS was an only child but he is not. You still have other DS(s) and their partners or wives to celebrate with you on Christmas Day, together with this specific son who is sometimes with you and sometimes with the absent DIL.

I agree my in-laws are not MY family. If I divorced my husband they wouldn’t be anything to me. Just like his nephews are his not mine.

Yeah I will never not spend Christmas Day with my own remaining parent. And the kids come with me for now, as does DP.

Wow. You think he misses her, and wishes she were there....but your post is still all about you?!
Why can't I have the same privilege....just wow.

I would be telling my son that if he would prefer to be with his wife for Xmas, then he should do that. But then I care more about my kids feelings than my own....

It's nice of you to want your dil's company at Christmas, but it's not what she wants. Why can't you join them on the big day? I spent Christmas day with my son, Dil, dgc, the other grandmother, and other odd assorted relatives on both sides.

Spending Christmas with my ILs would make me utterly miserable

I'm 100 percent sure when I am old I won't want anyone at my Christmas against their will dampening my spirits.
By that point will be enjoying the luxury of a boozy one with partner.
But then I don't have to be the centre of attention and Christmas is what you make it.
And if I'm making two Christmas meals I assume dh a)check my sanity b) do one himself.

@Dillydollydingdong can’t imagine DIL’s family would be too impressed if all of OP’s family rock up.

Seems strange that a number of posters tell the OP that she has to accept things and lump it but the DIL never has to. Still think it is bad form of DIL’s family to say to her that she should spend Christmas with her DH’s family once in awhile

Its not unreasonable for you to feel that way.

You obviously have no idea how these things work - there would never be an invite for OP to join in with them. I live this too.

Really? Have you read the threads? Or just keen to get your sanctimonious point across. I have often said he should spend Xmas Day with her parents, as he has done. But really you now saying I should not see him at all either on Xmas Day because DiL wants to be with her parents every year? What sort of nasty, narrow self obsessed universe do you occupy?

DIL doesn't have to lump it because she is an autonomous adult with free will who is not expecting or asking for anything.