To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Have you talked to your DS about any of this? I don’t think so, you’ve said repeatedly that these are all your musings and thoughts.

Why don’t you tell him how you feel? Why not say that you mind never having all your children and their partners together on Christmas Day? Explain to him that you don’t think it’s fair that your wish to do this, even once, is held to ransom by the random single sibling? That you feel rejected by DIL, used for a second Christmas celebration such that she and her family get their way and you never do?

What would happen if you told him any of this?

Ultimately, there’s nothing further you can do once you’ve set out your position. You’d have laid your cards on the table and there would be no room to hide - for anyone - at that point. Any further rejection would be real.

I think your DS is taking advantage of you, your DIL is taking advantage of you, and you’re allowing yourself to be pushed hither and thither. It’s not acceptable that your other children and their partners should have their christmases moved around to accommodate this single sibling who they’ve probably not ever met, even.

(As I said upthread, I’m very familiar with the single sibling issue. It’s caused so many issues within the family let alone in the in-laws’ family. And, you can bet, if and when that sibling does ever get a partner, they won’t be seen for dust. Awful, spoilt behaviour. So immature)

It’s not weird or strange – it’s just different. I don’t see my in-laws as family at all. My MIL is family to my daughter, yes. Doesn’t mean she’s family to me, any more than my SIL’s husband’s brother is family to me.

Uncles and aunts are a different kettle of fish but I also see my blood uncles and aunts more as family than the married-in ones – especially as they come and go due to divorces in a way that real family doesn’t.

I suspect the differing views are the crux of OP’s pain, though: she sees DIL as family so feels she’s missing out on a “whole family” Christmas. DIL does not see OP as family so has no idea there’s anything being missed out on. There’s no middle ground here or anyone being awful to anyone else – just a cultural, person difference. OP has to make peace with never getting what she wants because what she wants just doesn’t exist from DIL’s point of view.

Some of the responses on here are just insane!!

MIL’s are truly hated on here!

So much for the sisterhood. So many double standards going on.

OP yanbu at all. But how dare you want to spend a Xmas day with your DIL & rest of your family. You heinous, hideous, monster you!

WRT Do your in laws feel like family?

It's an interesting question - but there are going to be as many different feelings as there are fish in the sea.You're going to have each end of the extreme and everything in-between.

For me personally having been through a divorce in which i experienced suddenly being public enemy no.1 and dropped like a hot stone, (including my kids, who were their blood grand kids) i do not feel like in laws are family.

To me family is something/someone you can't just drop. In-laws (it seems) are.

My now MIL is a lovely woman, and dotes on me and all her grand children, including her step GC by my XH. However, a couple of years ago i witnessed the way she turned viciously against one of her other DILs when she split up with her DS. Just like my XMIL did with me. The way she spoke about how she knew it/felt it all along ect ect. It just cemented the feeling that you're only family if it's all going ok. Which isn't what family is in my eyes.

But despite what i say, this is all ok with me. Because i don't actually have any deep need to be seen as family by them.

This is why I said “depends”. Assuming it is just the normal, messy, we’ve stopped loving each other divorce, and particularly if there are grandkids involved she would still be welcome. But if great pain had been caused to my son, and it would upset him to have her around, and there are no gks, then probably it would be different.

This is why I said “depends”. Assuming it is just the normal, messy, we’ve stopped loving each other divorce, and particularly if there are grandkids involved she would still be welcome. But if great pain had been caused to my son, and it would upset him to have her around, and there are no gks, then probably it would be different.

Yes, sensible. I'd be the same. One of my DDs has had the same BF for 15 years. I like the lad v much. I know if he hurt her obvs i'd take her ''side', but i wouldn't start all this ''i knew he was a bad apple all along'' stuff. I'd be sad. I'd be angry. I'd support her as a priority, but i'd miss him.

Family dynamics ay? 🙄

YABU. This is probably the only chance she gets to see some of her family each year. I’d do the same!

OP, we can all say it’s not fair until we are blue in the face but it won’t change your situation.
From what you have said DIL has not missed a single Christmas Day with her family since she was born but more significantly she has NEVER missed one for the last 16 years when she has been an adult and could have made alternative choices.
It’s not fair but your son has married her and for her the tradition of her Christmas Day appears to be sacrosanct. Everyone in her family adheres to it every year. More importantly for you her husband publicly supports her choice.
Why mess with it? You will cause a lot of distress to get your own way/ your turn on this one day and possibly jeopardise your relationship with her.
From what you say she is making an effort during the festive season you said she came to the house by the sea and stayed a few days but because she didn’t stay for Christmas Day itself it’s not enough. You could create enough pressure via your son to make her come or risk causing tension in her marriage but why would anyone do that.

There is no way you can change this without causing upset and forcing her to be somewhere she doesn’t want to be to make you happy. It will be a lose lose situation even if you get her to your house on Christmas Day it will feel hollow. You have to acknowledge who your family actually are not an idealised version of who you wish them to be.

Not read the whole thread because it’s LONG!

We take it in turns each year but that’s our choice.

Are they married? Do they have kids? If yes to either of those… Unless there is a specific reason that she doesn’t want to come to yours (as in you don’t get along) it does seem she’s being a little selfish to your DS by always going to her family. It would be nice to take it in turns. Unless ofc he is okay with it?

But… YABU to expect it every other year. It’s only an issue if your DS has an issue. Otherwise none of your business really.

I saw something similar on my in-laws side. DH’s cousin was badmouthing his ex via a group Facebook chat and other relatives joined in. DH was surprised by what was said and we both agreed that it was not on and reached out to the ex. Ex had been blindsided by the split and was devastated. Thanked us for checking in on him and said we were the only ones from his side that had checked to see if he was ok.They had been together about a decade. FIL and MIL talk about their children’s spouses when they visit us and I leave the room because I don’t agree or want to know about their issues with them, it’s not my business.. It makes me wonder what they would say about me when with their other children and if DH and I ever divorced. We live hours away so far enough away not to be involved.

Why, oh why would you like to spend time with someone who clearly is happy with other arrangements? Let them be.

I’m sorry you haven’t had that experience. I can imagine it’s important to you.

That said. I don’t want to go to my IL’s at Christmas as well. I do like them, and we visit them regularly.

But it’s always so busy during the year (work, child with a chronic disease, voluntary work, helping my dad who suffers from dementia)! When it’s Christmas I just want to be with my own created family. No obligations (there are enough of those), no visits, just us. If I want to take off my bra, I can. If I want to read, I can. If want to play on my Nintendo, I can.

My MIL didn’t like the fact I didn’t want to come. For her, her own created family is her center. For me, it’s mine. My DP talked to her, and talked to her some more, and now she gets it.

Going to my PIL to please them is just not something that would please me. That sounds selfish, although I’m not. Christmas is for us.

Why don’t you invite whole extended in laws to yours or wangle an invite to their home at Christmas as your kid must feel guilty for not being somewhere

YABU - you can always celebrate another time with them. This year is the first year with DD (will be 7 months at Xmas) and both mine and DPs parents wanted us for Xmas day but we have decided to do stay with my sister 150 miles away instead, you can’t please everyone so I’m doing what makes me happiest and your DIL probably is too

…as I said earlier that amounts to 20 people (plus a couple of babes/toddlers) and it would be a very uncomfortable squeeze in our house.

Don’t want to guilt trip her family into hosting us either.

I haven't spent Christmas with my inlaws because I always see my parents. Besides obviously wanting to go to my parents, I do have additional reasons.

It may not be as crystal clear as you think, her parents could be older/ ill/ vulnerable or she may simply not see them as much.

We took it in turns between my family & DH family every bloody year for last 25 years!! Pre & post kids. Cos that was what they all expected. One good thing to come out of the pandemic was that we finally spent one Christmas Day alone, just the four of us & it was totally glorious!!! The kids loved it (DD16 & DS 12 at the time). This year we are spending Christmas Day on our own again then Boxing Day round DH family with his 2 siblings & all the kids there. I know which one I will prefer!! 😂 A lot of people find Christmas Day quite an ordeal tbh. Sadly my parents are now both dead & my DF actually died on Christmas Day back in 2016 so to me it's another sad memory. I find sitting around at my in laws house for hours in a row dull - it's always too hot, the younger kids are always too noisy & we don't always play boardgames as it's too hectic - plus we can't both drink as one of us will need to drive home. Op - if you have your other children round & younger grandkids then maybe your DIL just can't face the noise. She's probably resigning herself to sharing out Christmas once/if they have kids but for now she just wants to spend time with her large family. What's the big deal about this one day?? Choose another date & call that your Christmas!

She doesn’t want to, quite simply. She will have her reasons.

Maybe her parents feel the same about your son, especially as it seems the only time her whole family can get together. Maybe if he went there this year she would come to yours next year? How would you feel not seeing your son at Christmas? By expecting her to come to you then you have to forfeit seeing him the next Christmas.
As long as they are happy with the arrangements then I don't see it's a problem. You said you know you son misses her....but clearly not enough to go with her.

He frequently goes there. He probably will again this year. But I have pretty well given up on her ever reciprocating, just wondered if this was widely considered a fair and normal arrangement. Apparently it is, and I should just suck it up.

71% of people think it’s normal. So yeh you will need to suck it up as she obv isn’t interested in seeing you all on Xmas day.

But maybe the positive that you can take from this, OP, is that you’ve been too accommodating in shuffling Christmas around to suit them, sometimes inconveniencing other family members, and you could stop all that from now on.

I thought you sounded a bit controlling. Everyone has the right to have Christmas where they want to, without the need for “turns” at in-laws.

However, the problem is that your DS is being a twat about it. He shouldn’t be allowed to demand a second Christmas at yours, when he’s spend Christmas at in-laws.

Of course him and his wife never have to discuss or compromise between them - he just insists that you put on a second Christmas at a time that suits him?!

He needs to choose being at yours, or being at in-laws. If choosing in-laws means he misses chrostmas/dinner/presents with you, he might be more inclined to suggest to his wife that they need to compromise. What’s stopping her family
from providing a “second Christmas” if they spent it with you?

Stop indulging your CF son

They are grown ups and can choose to do what makes them happiest. As soon as Christmas becomes about obligation and expectation and entitlement then all the fun is zapped out of it.

Would DiL be subject to numerous comments? E.g. about how she's never been before, here at last, no we do things different here, suck it up or tough.... Then moan she was miserable that she'd rather be with her family and spent half the time on the phone to them?!

Maybe she'd just like to be somewhere she'll be happiest rather than feel she has a duty to be. Perfectly reasonable of her.

He frequently goes there. He probably will again this year. But I have pretty well given up on her ever reciprocating, just wondered if this was widely considered a fair and normal arrangement. Apparently it is, and I should just suck it up.

It isn't, and a good many respondents have sympathized with your position. A well-established pattern of both partners spending Christmas separately with each family is one thing, but it seems your son has spent Christmas with her family on a number of occasions and she's not reciprocated once. That's lacking in balance and unfair. Life often is. And if this thread has been an opportunity to vent about that, I understand where you're coming from. You have a right to be disappointed, and you have a right to vent.

Aside from this, what, practically, can you do about it? You've received suggestions. You could invite her well in advance: seems you've tried this and she hotfooted it to her parents in the end in any event. You could weigh up for yourself the wisdom of talking frankly to your son, always bearing in mind that he will also talk to his wife. Talking directly to her isn't really an option: you've given up expecting her to reciprocate and you know you can't change others' behaviour. You can, though, stop reorganizing your own Christmases to accommodate theirs.

Other than this, I'm out of suggestions. Life very often deals out marked cards and rubbish hands. 'Suck it up' is not advice anyone wants to hear, ever. But that is an option too; sometimes, the only one. I genuinely wish you the best.