To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

what do you mean? I have not brought this up with them, as I have said several times now. Bringing it up on an anonymised forum, which I doubt they care or even know about? Really?

@Bigbadfish maybe the son would like to spend Christmas at his parents along with his partner

Funny how on MN it’s always the men that prefer to spend time with their MILs but not vica versa. What happens to boys mums that they become the evil MIL? Have you ever listened to men moaning about their Interfering Mil but they put up with it for an easier life. I like my MIL thankfully and quite happy to spend Christmas etc with her as well as spending time with my family. They are all equal. Infact I think my in-laws ‘met’ their grandchildren before my own family. It’s not a competition.

He cab want something all he wants.
I want to be handed a billion pounds.

Doesn't mean he's going to get it.
Why should she forgo something that brings her joy? She isn't harming anyone. Isn't controlling or bullying anyone. She's the dream.

You do you ill do me. No drama.

Yes really, it wasn’t kind to refer disparagingly to the sibling.

Anyway…

My sincere advice is to let this DIL issue go and cherish those family members who do enjoy their Christmases with you. The last thing you want is for them to feel they aren’t enough.

seriously, why? None of them will ever be aware. It is important context for this discussion.

If they don't have kids I can't see a massive issue.

I do understand you'd like her with you, but she wants to be with her family, and ultimately what she does at C'mas is up to her. It's not as if she has stopped your son spending some Christmases with you. It's not as if she doesn't spend family time with you.

Don't make mountains out of mole hills - you will just make yourself unhappy.

seriously, why? None of them will ever be aware. It is important context for this discussion.

I hope you’re right OP (about them not being aware I mean). I’m not sure I agree it’s important context though.

In your shoes I would concentrate on the family I do have around me on Christmas Day and not fret about the ones I don’t. Who knows, they may one day decide to do things differently.

I think YANBU and she is being a bit selfish. I say that as a dil.

I would not be moving Xmas/doing a seperate Xmas for them any more. All of the work and faff is one thing if they are prepared to put a little effort in for you! I also would consider asking your son about it. I don't see how one conversation would be damaging to the relationship. You don't have to always hide how you feel to keep the peace.

iknowimcoming
I don't think YABU- can I ask, when your Ds comes to yours for xmas, do you still have to have the 2nd Xmas day re-run with dil too or not?

As I recall, we have put off pressie giving until she could be there.

Personally I would stop that! It's possible she's either interpreted your laid-back approach as you're really not fussed about it or she's using it as an opportunity to take the piss, either way she's pretty much having her cake and eating it too.

To me it's a bit like the overseas wedding scenario - yes of course you are entitled to have your wedding abroad if that's your choice but you can't then complain if people can't/don't want to attend. She's entitled to spend every Xmas with her family if that's her choice but that shouldn't mean her in-laws have to celebrate Xmas on a different day to accommodate her choice.

I would arrange your Christmas this year how you would like it, when you want it and invite who you like, and maybe mention that you won't be doing 2 celebrations anymore as it's too much faff/inappropriate given cost of living increases etc etc

aloris
"As I recall, we have put off pressie giving until she could be there."

I suggest you stop doing that. Celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day. Open presents with your other kids on Christmas Day. Have a nice Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. Sometime after Christmas (or before), your son and DIL can come over and can open THEIR presents over a takeout and a glass of wine. DIL doesn't have to come on Christmas Day and you cannot force her to do so, but twisting yourself and the rest of your family into knots is unnecessary. Have none of your other children shown any frustration at the way you are expecting them to change plans to whatever DIL and son want?

I think they bite their tongues so as not to cause problems. We all pretend it is just fine, no worries etc etc.
^^^^
THIS
please don't put your Christmas on hold for DIL any longer.
Yes you can exchange your / their presents and have a lovely meal on another day, but otherwise it's just spoiling everyone else's Christmas.
You can't have the whole clan together Christmas Day.
But what you can have is a wonderful, magical day with the people who do put you first.
It is DIL's loss.
And when she sees this. MAYBE she will want to make the effort one year.

I can see your point OP, and YANBU. It's not as though you are demanding her presence every Xmas, but it wouldn't hurt her to accomodate your wishes now and again. Your DS shouldn't have to choose between spending time with his family and spending time with his wife. Honestly, so many people these days can't put themselves out even once for someone else - I despair of the future of the world.

However, this is MN, where DIL's wishes are always put above MIL's!!

I always made it clear to my DP I would always spend Christmas with my parents. We live abroad & our parents live in different countries. I only see my parents 2/3 times a year and I am an only child, so Christmas without them is just not an option for me. He either joins me or spends it with his parents. No drama, no issues, that's just the way it is in our family.

Btw, I agree with those who have said don't even think about them/her not being there on Christmas Day. Enjoy it with those who are there and have a lovely time with them. I certainly wouldn't be doing a separate celebration for people who always put others first - they could come and get their gifts, have a glass of wine and a mince pie, and that's it.

Would you honestly want her there, knowing that she would prefer to be at her parents? Would that be fun?

I find this quite odd, marriage is the joining of two families so it seems strange never to spend Christmas at each others. I don't think that means necessarily every other year but now and again would seem fair. Maybe you need to specifically invite them as a couple one year and go very early with the invite and see what happens, or offer to go to theirs if it is easier.

If there are no kids involved they probably decided this was the best way to do it. They both get to see their family and are together the rest of the year. Its up to your son which he decides to do. She prefers to spend time with her family. There may be an elderly relative involved? I went to my parents every year until my grandmother passed for her.

Or maybe he isn't particularly bothered either way or even prefers it with his partner's family. It's not like we actually know anything other than what the OP wants.

Kinda surprised this thread is still going, OP doesn’t deserve some of these comments.

Without knowing you, I am drawn to the conclusion that DIL feels her own pressures from her family and it’s easier to upset you then it is them. Initially I felt maybe she didn’t have that connection with you and your family and didn’t want to be with you, but having read the thread and all your posts, I think your DIL is just trapped.

Just leave them to it

Again, until the OP clarifies that the second Christmas request came from the dil, can we take her at her word that it is HER SON that asked for a second Christmas.

It's not something to lay at the dil door.

And as such if anyone is unreasonable it is OP or OPs son. The son for his entitled behaviour and OP for hers, as well as making her family not have a Christmas by favouring one couple over the others in her family.

Not a sibling who wants to see her family and not the family who only see eachother rarely throughout the year.

It's really quite simple op but I know you don't like to hear it. You can't control people. It's counter productive to 'make' someone spend time with you and you need to stop being a performative martyr and be a good host to those that do spend time with you.

Blimey, that is a load of baggage right there. I think there are things you need to sort before you come on here lecturing others.

I think you need to listen to the overwhelming majority that yabu and stop deflecting onto others whilst shaping your narrative and drop feeding.
Why ask if yabu if you are so sure you are right?

However, this is MN, where DIL's wishes are always put above MIL's!!

Too straightforward. It happens to be the case that once sons take up with a long-term partner, there's a hierarchy when it comes to his own family relationships. MiL and FiL are not at the top of that. His immediate loyalties will lie with the family unit he's created, which is as it should be.

MiLs who take on DiLs guns blazing are foolish, because this is a battle they will rarely win. (And yes, one view MN does take is that a son unable to say 'no' to his mother is a very unattractive proposition).

I've found this thread refreshing to read, because OP is one MiL who has decided it's not worth putting a bomb under that relationship (if anything, she's been too accommodating, much less 'controllling').

But relationships are reciprocal. As a general rule you get out what you put in. And I'd be bearing this point in mind when organizing my future Christmases.

I am asking a genuine question about what is considered “normal” . I find a lot of the responses interesting about how Xmasses are managed in extended families. I feel I have the right to push back however when insults like “performative martyr” are hurled around. If I had ever said or done anything to make either of them feel guilty about their choices there may be some point to that, but I have made it very clear that I have not. You are clearly talking about something in your own life.

The performative matryr comment is because you are allowing yourself to be taken for a mug by your son.
The obvious solution is to grow a pair and say no.
So I can only conclude you like playing the 'woe is me' card.