To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

YABU.

As is everyone else who behaves in ridiculous, self-centred and inconsiderate ways at bloody Christmas. It only causes family arguments because some people insist on trying to impose their own ideas about what constitutes a perfect Christmas on others who don’t share their views. Chill out, FFS, and stop making a fuss about nothing.

Well surely you could say the same about the DIL @IntentionalError

Fair point. No one would deny that using children as bargaining chips is disgraceful. But the OP suggested in earlier posts that she and DiL get along tolerably well most of the time. This particular sticking point is one day. There are another 364 in a year.

Only OP knows whether this is her hill to die on and worth alienating DiL over. And OP sounds a sensible sort: for 16 years she's wisely kept her counsel. I do, however, think DS and DiL are both CF for expecting his parents' whole Christmas to be rearranged to accommodate them. That's the one aspect of this situation OP does have control over. In her position, I'd be taking back that control.

I think a lot of people in this thread are relishing having a MIL cornered so they can project all their own personal woes and grievances onto this poor woman. Half the replies don’t seem relevant at all the OPs situation!

The DIL is not making a single but of fuss! She is literally telling everyone to do whatever they want and she will do the same.

I don't think YABU- can I ask, when your Ds comes to yours for xmas, do you still have to have the 2nd Xmas day re-run with dil too or not?

As I recall, we have put off pressie giving until she could be there.

Don’t worry, not cornered at all! But yes, clearly stirred a hornets nest of people’s own Xmas issues.

I know I wouldn't be doing a second Christmas. Christmas is Christmas, you can come on the day or not. If not, we'll catch up around the time and swap gifts then.

I don't think the desire to have them there on occasion is wrong and it doesn't sound like you've pressured them.

My partner’s mum always said this - she didn’t know her son hated Christmas at hers and always asked to come to mine 🤷‍♀️

sorry, this is really not the case. I’m not daft.

"As I recall, we have put off pressie giving until she could be there."

I suggest you stop doing that. Celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day. Open presents with your other kids on Christmas Day. Have a nice Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. Sometime after Christmas (or before), your son and DIL can come over and can open THEIR presents over a takeout and a glass of wine. DIL doesn't have to come on Christmas Day and you cannot force her to do so, but twisting yourself and the rest of your family into knots is unnecessary. Have none of your other children shown any frustration at the way you are expecting them to change plans to whatever DIL and son want?

I think they bite their tongues so as not to cause problems. We all pretend it is just fine, no worries etc etc.

So everyone just goes along to get along, even though they are being deprived of a usual Christmas celebration to accommodate your son? Has he always got preferential treatment?

I'd stop pretending and be real. Christmas is Christmas, be here or we'll see you at at a mutually good time for pressie exchange between the absent parties.

@maryanne3 are you sure that your DIL really wants the 'second Christmas' that you end up doing, some days after she's spent Christmas with her family?

I think daughters are naturally closer to their mums than sons, and I think it's nice that she has a loving family who want to spend Christmas together. I imagine she will always love her own family more than her husband's, however well you get on as friends brought together by her knowing him.

Christmas incorporating different families can be grim. These people have no reason to be together, except that two grown-up adults have decided to have a relationship together, and everyone else knows them or is related to them. It's an effort. It's work. For myself, I don't know why people want to do it! I say, spend it with small children when they're growing up, and with visits from your adult children when they're grown, but if they have found a partner and are happy to go with them, let them go. Your son likes to come home to see you at Christmas. That's lovely. What's so wrong with doing that, and leaving the whole matter there?

I think making someone do something that they plainly don't want to do is not really the spirit of the season!

Maybe trying to blend together a large group of people who don't want to be blended is a way of not letting him go? It's not really that you actually want to spend Christmas with you DIL's parents and her siblings, is it? You want your son to be with you. He is! Why do you need her too?

"I think they bite their tongues so as not to cause problems. We all pretend it is just fine, no worries etc etc."

With all due respect, maybe you should consider putting the bulk of your effort into accommodating the needs of your OTHER children-in-law, the ones who actually bother to make time for you on Christmas Day, even though they, too, have family with whom they are alternating holidays. I wonder how it feels to them that you expect them to faff around to please this particular son and DIL. Do you put this particular son and DIL in "first place" compared to the other children in other areas too, asking the others to adjust to whatever son and DIL want, or just this one area? I suppose I'm wondering if the relationship with your DIL, that you describe as a good relationship, is really an illusion coming from your willingness to bend over backwards for her.

As I recall, we have put off pressie giving until she could be there.

Why are you making it seem like you don’t quite know if you put off presents until a later date when DIL is there?
Your son and DIL are young, if she wants to spend Christmas with her own family so be it. You don’t have to martyr yourself and ruin Christmas for the rest of the family because she isn’t attending. Presumably she hasn’t asked you to do this?
It’s odd to not do presents with your husband and your own children because a DIL can’t be there.

My brother favours his wife over our mum for occasions like this. Obviously it would be nice if he also joined us sometimes but he’s happy and we see him and his wife other times of the year. Count your blessings. The other end of the spectrum is he’s single and lonely and living at home with you still.

"but if they have found a partner and are happy to go with them, let them go"

Eh? So parents should just rot at home alone on Christmas Day once their kids are grown up and partnered? Nice!

We used to do this most years before we have children. Mainly to appease demanding parents. My husband is an only child and the first year he didn't spend Christmas with his mum and dad they made such a massive fuss and didn't let us hear the end of it (we spent it with my mum as my sister died that year so of course we spent it with her).

My in-laws still count how often we see my family vs them and it very annoying.

YABU. I think you all shouldn't have to cancel /change the day for Xmas because of your son and Dil. They/she wants to spend it with her family, great. You and your other children and dils should carry on without them. Then they can do their own individual exchanging of gifts round each others houses over drinks and takeaway but no Xmas Dinner.

I think they bite their tongues so as not to cause problems. We all pretend it is just fine, no worries etc etc

Why not just accept it as fine. Why do you need the second day?

You're all adults and no one should be forced to spend a day somewhere just because your mother in law is throwing a strop.

@aloris I didn't mean them to 'rot'! Merely that, if you have a husband/wife, and friends, and your child is happy in their own life, do you have to see them on Christmas day? It's different if someone is old, frail and lonely, but this thread seems to be about reasonably young-ish family putting obligations on each other for one specific day.

This is the problem with some families - they want to maintain "childhood" Christmases when they are grown up. I can't even begin to describe the lunacy of one that I know of. Anyway time DOES change and inevitably those will too.

Your DIL is not spending Christmas with her family because one “single” sibling gets emotional about them all being together. However bringing that up is rather mean of you.