To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

YABU I love my ILs, but I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas just with them, my family love Christmas, it’s made a big deal of getting together and having fun, I’d hate to not see my parents on Christmas Day, that’s why we host, people can please themselves whether they come or not.

Have a look back at the posts just on the first page. All written in response to the OPs question. Perhaps you can spot the ones that are telling the OP she is being unreasonable for yourself. (They may not use that exact phrase, but I think the meaning is clear.)

..and that is the difference, you host, and they are invited. We would jump at the chance of going to theirs if they wanted to do it that way. Just always at her parents.

Thanks 5128gap; but it is clear that YouSirNeighMmmm is just trolling, which is why I am ignoring him/her; probably best if others do to.

"You'd hate to be my mother in law I've been with my husband for 20 years and we've both been to my parents every single Christmas,"

Wow, that is awful. Nice for your parents but how very sad for your husband's parents to never see their son on Christmas.

I'd stop offering your DS the opportunity to have his extra Christmas. He either comes on Christmas day or doesn't.

I didn't enjoy Christmas at my in-laws but I would go. I wouldn't go every year and probably not every other year but I don't think it is too much to show your face.

This is my thoughts. Why is Dil being unreasonable and your son not.

I never spent Xmas with in-laws until kids.

Some of these responses. Of course you’re not being unreasonable for wanting one year to host your son and your DIL for Christmas Day. Many couples do alternate, but not all. My brother and his 1st wife always had Christmas dinner (bar one) at her mums, but came to exchange presents with the grandchildren on the morning. This year he’s had issues as his 2nd wife has family abroad and her mum has a serious stage of cancer, just being treated to stop further spread not cure. My brother only gets 4 days off over Christmas so couldn’t travel with her and their small baby. We fully expected her to go without him, especially given baby is far too young to understand and her mum might not be here next year. But I guess my brother got his way, I feel it’s a bit mean personally but hey go. I always go to my mums, my ex didn’t celebrate Christmas so made it easy!

@User38899953 the son spends Christmas with DILs family some years, so by your reasoning the DIL should do what the son does sometimes and spend it with the OP

I have the benefit of being late to your thread, maryanne and have read all of your posts (not all the others). It's clear that you haven't put pressure on your son or your DIL to attend. It's not even that you relish being the matriarch of the family as you'd be happy to go to your son's/DIL's for Christmas or to spend it with her family. You couldn't be more reasonable about it if you tried.

What you want though is not realistic. You want all of your family together for Christmas - at least alternating - and that's not what your DIL wants. She wants the Christmas she's always had and nothing to tear that asunder. That's the sticking point.

I think the only thing you can do is extend the invitation (as you always do). I though would make it quite clear that we don't have 'Christmas-lite' or 'deferred Christmas' or a rearrangement of it in any way. Your reasonableness about this is allowing your son/DIL to mess you about - and it is messing you about.

You are open in your invitation - carry on doing that - but it's for the 25th of December. New Year is a different and new event.

That's what I would do.

No, sometimes my son goes to her families, with her and sometimes he comes by himself to ours. She never reciprocates. So no son is not being as (potentially) unreasonable as DiL. And it is not that they have so much more an enjoyable Xmas either. By the sound of it it is quite similar to ours.

YANBU. I'd also like to spend Christmas Day with my son and DIL every now and then. Definitely 3 or 4 times in 16 years wouldn't be too much to ask.

But you are doing the right thing in not saying anything - just go with the flow.

However I wouldn't do the second Xmas celebration for them. I'd just meet for lunch or dinner and exchange gifts.

"Where has anyone said they'd be happy to have a DIL who never ever wanted to visit for Christmas? "

It would follow from their castigation of the OP for feeling rejected by the behavior of just such a DIL.

Oh and that post about 'what if grandchildren appear?'. My view is that they are welcomed into the whole and wider family BUT if parents decide that family isn't good enough, hoops will not be jumped through.

It's disgraceful that some 'parents' choose to use their children as bargaining chips. Keep them.

I’m on your side OP. I think it’s unfair and a bit rude that she goes to her own family every single year and it must put your DS in a difficult position. Doesn’t she think he’d like to spend it with her and his family?

But there’s nothing you can do. It’s between them and for all you know, he might not mind at all! You don’t know what he thinks about it. You’ve done well to just smile and grit your teeth so far and just carry on, there’s nothing else to be done.

YABU She has no obligations to you whatsoever!

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to choose you every once in a while too. Is Christmas the only time they can see many of these family members while you are someone they see regularly outside of Christmas? If so, then I think it's more understandable why they work things the way they do.

I have grown children and I just do our regular Christmas, have an open invite, and they are welcome to join us, or not (though I expect them to let us know, for planning). I know how difficult juggling family expectations and wants at Christmas can be, so just accept their choices the same way we made our own decisions for our families when our kids were young.

Spoilt brat why? She wants to see her family who probably doesn't get together like this on other occasions. She wants to see them once a year, she sees OP more often probably.

She also doesn't force OP's son to come with her, and enables him to see his family every year.

She sounds sensible and reasonable. You sound like a MIL from hell.

How is it more fair than each child seeing their family every single year?

So no son is not being as (potentially) unreasonable as DiL.

Apart from demanding you host a second christmas for him with all the trimmings. Something you have admitted by omission dil does not do.

Why are you ignoring your son's, very entitled behaviour whilst making out your dil is the villain of the piece for doing her own thing and letting your son do what he wants?

Your son is a CF. That's the issue.
Stop trying to lay the blame at your dils door.

Honestly if this is a regular pattern with you, can you really be surprised she doesn't want to spend time with you?

Blimey, really? I have made it clear I have accepted this cheerfully so far. I can only guess you have your own issues and leave it at that.

@maryanne3 we host because we want to, not everyone does!

So going to continue to whinge about dil when it's son that's the issue.

Why am I not surprised.

I am surprised by the replies here. Unless the in laws are utter horrors I do think it’s kind to spend some Christmases with the partner’s family if the partner would like that. Compromise surely.

Stop martyring yourself @maryanne3 - she doesn’t want to come!

some years your DS will, some he won’t. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions, no need for you to do 2 Christmas’ either he makes it on the day you’re celebrating or he doesn’t - no biggie. I’m sure you can exchange presents over a glass of baileys and a mince pie at some other point in December.

after all this time make peace with the fact that she isn’t coming, no fretting, hoping, asking. Just assume she never will and crack on with those who do.