To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

@maryanne3 ”whatever you want to do” and leave it.

@YouSirNeighMmmm yep.

I think it's a bit more like. 'I want to make her come here so DS comes here as he doesn't want to come without her, but I make him feel obliged to come here, but then he sulks, so I 'allow' him to go to her. It's all her fault wahhhhh wahhhhh wahhhhh

If I created an equal and opposite drama to my single sibling-in-law, the people who would be most upset would be my MIL (who I adore) and my DH (also adore!). I don’t care enough about this to put them through this. They’re quite clear what’s going on, and have expressed repeated appreciation for my accommodation. Whatevs. It’s not worth the hassle ultimately. I prefer muddling through.

Where has anyone said they'd be happy to have a DIL who never ever wanted to visit for Christmas? I

isn't that a bit passive aggressive?

I think that you should prioritise your other kids who actually want to spend Xmas with you in that case. No alternative where you get everyone together for a second Christmas if you think you’ll all be ‘Xmassed out’. Then DS and DiL can decide to come or not.

@Milesty1 because I've read all of her posts.

You sound a lot nicer than my in-laws, OP so it’s probably not you! I guess it’s just become so rooted in tradition now that the relatives from France stay with your DS and DIL over Christmas and it would be so awkward for them to leave their guests to have Christmas lunch with someone else.

I wouldn’t do a full second Christmas though, they can have whatever is appropriate for the day they do come (which could also be some sort of roast if New Year’s Eve etc).

From what you have said the start beginning and end of your DIL problem is that on Christmas day she wants to be with her parents and siblings.

Would you say you;re a glass half empty person, and not a glass half full one?

@maryanne3 not if it’s genuine. And for me it would be.

They are not the hosts. They go to her parents, where the whole family gathers.

When he makes that offer do you ask him what he would prefer to do, or do you simply choose year by year whether to insist he comes to you or has permission to have christmas with his wife?

Also, OP, I don't really get why they don't share Christmas - could easily come over for the evening or head off in the morning etc. My husband and I did this when we were single - the 90 minute drive when it was just us together listening to Christmas songs and chatting about the day so far was my favourite bit of Christmas.

But still there's not much you can do, other than throwing proper Christmas for siblings and understanding what whilst they are not being very kind or sensitive in their approach, it's their decision.

Many have told the OP she is unreasonable to want her DiL to visit for Christmas, which would suggest that in her position they'd be fine with it.

DD will make her own choices when she is old enough. I think we probably have about 16 years before that comes up though...

DH hates spending time with his family. I have to force him to do it every other time of year. I am the one who is in regular contact with my SILs, not him.

I don't know about my PIL, they died many years ago when we had only been together 3 years. But DH was married previously and never spent the whole of Christmas with his parents, so I doubt it very much.

Frankly I don't really care if you think I sound like a child. I think you're rude, but there we go 🤷‍♀️

What is more likely? DIL promised to go for the entire time and then bailed? Or DIL made a vague commitment to drop by because she knew it was expected, whilst pointedly not promising to come on Christmas day, because she spends that day with blood relatives?

You a lovely MIL OP.

Can I ask if you have any daughters yourself?

I do think the dynamics are a bit different with daughters and sons. Daughters tend to be more for their families and see them as the primary/core unit whereas sons sway between both.

anyways, I think your OP was worded wrongly.

It’s not that you have to compromise as your son will happily see you Christmas Day and has done over the years, so you have had all your family together over the years on the day itself.

I think what it actually is, is you want to see your DIL on Christmas Day. That’s the issue. You want to see her on the day itself.

So your OP should be that you want to see your DIL on Christmas Day. You can see everyone else on the day and have done so (including your son).

I think your hurt over your feelings of rejection from DIL which is understandable.

I think in your shoes I’d accept seeing your DIL on Christmas Day will never happen and focus on your family you can and do see x

Oh for FFS. I'm not suggesting shackling the woman to my ankles. I am asking if it is unreasonable to expect some sort of parity in my son and DiL Xmas arrangements. You do your argument no favours by wilfully twisting my words.

Can you point me to a single post where someone has said that wanting your DIL to visit at christmas is unreasonable?

Why did you ask when you are sure you're being reasonable? What did you hope to get out of this thread? Why not just have a little rant in relationships? I ask because you clearly have a fixed view and no interest in changing it.

I think that it is INCREDIBLY unreasonable and childish to focus on one day of the year and get hung up on which family "wins" and gets to see your DIL.

It would be lovely if they lived half way between your family and hers and had a detailed roster to make sure that family time was 100% fair to the nearest minute, and christmas were alternated without fail... but back out of toddler land and into adult world you should be grateful for the good things and ignore the relatively trivial.

Nah, you're not being unreasonable. You want to see your son at Christmas and you want to see him happy, and he wouldn't undoubtedly be happier if she were there. I do think if you're in a serious relationship you do things as a couple and you split time equally between families. It's just the nicest thing to do. End of.

Honestly, Can you back off the op, You have made your points clear a million times over, watching this bullying is fucking awful.

@SkylightSkylight so who is it down to that the DIL doesn’t spend Christmas Day with the OP once in 16 years

Interested to hear other's opinion. That does not mean I will not defend mine if I think people have got the wrong end of the stick.