To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Isn’t DIL family?!

@niugboo why wouldn't you discuss what you are doing for Christmas with your relatives

OP you are getting a hard time here. It’s complete normal to want to have your whole family together once in a while. Obviously you can’t force it if she doesn’t want to come but I can understand why you feel aggrieved.

I don’t think if I was in your shoes I’d be moving my Xmas day or creating a second one for them unless it suits you.

Next time they say one or both of them are not coming just say that’s a shame we’ll miss seeing you but understand. Ask them to pop round in the run up to Xmas (or the few days after) to exchange presents. Don’t do a second Xmas though, that’s just giving them everything they want and not what any of you want. Why on earth would she / they want to make an effort with you when they already get to have their cake and eat it by mucking you about.

@Fluffygoon I bet if OP arranged loads of family events and didn't invite DIL as she wasn't family people would be up in arms on here

Because he suggests coming to us, when she is going to her parents. Sometimes we have gone with that, sometimes I say, "no worries spend Xmas Day with her family and come to us after". The reason why we discuss it is because it comes up. You really suggesting it is better to not plan Xmas at all, so I do not even know what day they are coming? Just a knock at the door?

Some people would say in-laws are family, some would say not. I’m firmly Team In-Laws Are Not My Family.

Tricky one. Can I just ask (as a DIL myself), do you honestly treat DIL as well as your own DC, or more like a second class citizen with vastly inferior afterthought presents etc?

If the former, is there any chance you could host DIL’s wider family from France or are there too many of them?

Ha! I am VERY familiar with the single 30-something sibling who dictates Christmas for EVERYBODY. In my wider family, it’s MIL (who would be your DIL’s DM) who tries to do right by everyone but essentially prioritises the single child because her narrative is “everybody has a significant other, I have nobody, should I just stay in my flat alone for Christmas?”. It’s unbelievable the things I’ve been put through to accommodate this girl-woman.

In all my years of marriage I have never had Christmas with my family. Always DH’s. Only once in my own house with DH’s entire family invited. You wouldn’t believe the drama that ensued.

My parents understand I’m stuck and have never said anything. They have other DV nearby so they’re not alone. We’re coming in for 16 years ourselves!

It’s just difficult and awkward. I know my DH feels really badly for this sibling of his (it really must be a bit shit), and we both just want the max number of people to be happy. We just muddle through. Nobody gets what they want, except the single sibling. What can you do 🤷‍♀️

Be an adult and tell them no...

Do they have kids?

We always alternate but we have kids and both set of parents want to see their Gchildren at xmas

Absolutely not! I love having DiL's after years in an all male household. It's great to have all three of them around. I love buying girly presents for a change, and we have similar tastes in books, food, music, etc.

Unfortunately her whole family when got together is 14 people, and with my 6 that would be 20, which is just too many for our house.

so You made plans to spend Christmas together 18 months in advance, that you’d go away to do it, she agreed to that, then after you’d booked and paid for the cottage she decided to leave on Christmas Day? Did you say to your ds that it was really rude of her to do that?

I think you need to accept that even though she’s married your DS, she really doesn’t see you as her family. What’s more she wants a family Christmas, but doesn’t seem to think her husband is a key part of her family.

Sometimes Christmas brings wider issues into focus. I wouldn’t be making a massive effort with her in the future.

It’s clearly not a discussion.

I’m suggesting you leave it.

@niugboo what do you expect OP to say if her son brings it up, just ignore him. Give an example of how you think the conversation should go

@maryanne3 you wrote:

Reading between what crumbs have been dropped on this, I think there is at least one (single) sibling who gets quite emotional about them all being together and having a childhood Xmas with stockings at the end of their beds (they are all in their 30s) etc. So that may be partially it. But I do resent (quietly) that my family Xmas is always cancelled/moved because one sibling insists every year.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be disappointed. However, it doesn't matter what you expect. DiL will spend her Christmases in the way she sees fit - she's made it pretty clear this is non-negotiable - but this doesn't mean the same consideration doesn't apply to you.

If you see your son without her some Christmases, you don't really need her presence as well. You can't make her come. You can, however, celebrate your Christmas in your way at your home with those who do accept your invitation. You can change the mindset that this occasion will either be a moveable feast or repeated - at considerable cost and work to you - on a separate occasion to indulge this. If they choose to visit on a separate occasion they could find themselves doing something else - a chili or curry night on the day you exchange gifts, for example, or a meal out at the local. If they want something 'Christmassy; a slice of fruit cake will cut it. They are no more entitled to create grand expectations of you, any more than you are of his wife.

But on the latter point you are not being at all unreasonable. If anything, it might be an indication that you've bent over backwards a little too much. Unmet expectations can cut two ways.

You can't change others' behaviour, and after 16 years it's unrealistic to think you can make her change. You can, however, change your own, and set your expectation levels accordingly. I hope at some point you can do this, and find some peace in your decision. Wishing you a happier festive season for 2022.

Careful with this advice. If she becomes the mother of OP's grandchildren she will call all the shots. Really best not to alienate her, especially if aside from the Christmas situation the relationship is good.

Both my PIL are no longer with us, but even if they were, I wouldn't be spending Christmas day with them. Christmas to me is with my parents, at my house or theirs. I loved them dearly but it just wouldn't be the same and DH isn't bothered. We're always invited to SILs for Boxing Day but who wants to spend 3+ hours each way on Boxing Day when you should be eating turkey sandwiches in your new PJs? We will see them over the festive period on a mutually acceptable date that doesn't involve hours on the M25 and Boxing Day sales traffic at the Dartford Tunnel - especially as we now have DD.

I understand why you're upset OP, but I don't think you're going to change it.

I'm in France but come over to the Uk for Christmas nearly every year because it's the only time all 3 generations can get together. If we didn't go, the cousins wouldn't see each for 2 years. Is this similar to your situation?

I see my family in law every week. And we do a pre or post Christmas celebration for all of them at our house if at all possible.

How often do you see DIL. I'd bet it's a lot more than she sees her extended family.

@lawandgin will you expect your DD to spend Christmas with you forever or let her have Christmas with in-laws if she has a partner when she is older.

Saying you would only have Christmas with your parents makes you sound like a child. Do you think your DH did mind but didn't dare say anything to you. Did your parents never suggest you had Christmas with DH's parents. Do you think your in-laws minded they never saw their DH on Christmas Day

Well, OP, I totally understand where you are coming from (and I am a DIL and not a MIL yet).

But I don't think you have the power to change it - I mean, you can make a fuss, but I think that this is likely to alienate DIL (which you might care about, if you have grandkids).

I think that the thing to do is to hold a Christmas Day properly on the day. Exchange presents with who is there and have a good time. You are not obliged to organise a second Christmas with everyone for the benefit of DS and DIL. I'd tell your son that you'd really like to have a "proper" Christmas Day and if they can't make it you will do something nice together, but you're not going to organise a different gathering of everyone to open presents together then for their benefit - you'll do the main event on Christmas Day and do something special with them. Hopefully that will focus your son's mind a bit. And it means you get a Christmas Day.

Ultimately, your best chance of persuasion is not to indicate that you'll happily have a low key Christmas and move the main event, but rather to have a fun Christmas Day yourself.

@toomuchlaundry

“Mum I’m going to in laws”

“that sounds lovely. I know you have fun there”.

She could have spent christmas there at least once. So what? Should she have?

My MIL certainly doesn't get a raw deal - Christmas at hers again this year (at least fourth or fifth year in a row).

You post is full of what people expect and accept? Surely what is relevant if you love your family is what THEY WANT, not what YOU EXPECT, and surely any normal well adjusted adult ACCEPTS that other adults can do what they want?

A sense of power, importance or control? A sense of victory?

..and what if he says "DiL is going to the in laws, but I will come to you"?