To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

What the hell has what you suspect that they expect got to do with anything?

For one, they can expect anything they want, but you have no reason whatsoever to take their delusional expectations seriously!

For two, are you sure they expect something christmassy?

For three, can;t you give them something which is simultaneously "christmassy" but not a duplicate of the christmas day that you already did for the people who chose to accept your invite?

I feel sick OP, that you have to explain and justify your AIBU over and over again.

After 16 years, no you are definitely not being unreasonable to have an expectation that your dil might put her husband first so that he can spend time together at Christmas with her, his own siblings, nieces, nephews and yes, his parents too.
It is clear that you have never pressured them and don’t intend to either, preferring them not to argue about it and have a happy time together. You have put their happiness before your own expectations for 16 years.
I’m glad that your DS exercises his own choice occasionally. Good for him.
Wishing you well.

"stop putting pressure on" I think I have made it clear in my posts that I have not put a scintilla of pressure on. I have gone along with it cheerfully up til now, and never raised this with them once. I think some people are talking about their own circumstances, not mine.

Your son is obviously a grown man, give him and dil any presents before Christmas.

When you son says "oh I expect presents and nice dinner when we pop around "
You answer no only doing one Christmas dinner this year...problem solved.

I'd have no issue if my dil wanted to do Christmas at her families every year.

Can some people not read the DS does go to the DIL's family for Christmas some years.

In 16 years I think she could have spent Christmas with OP at least once.

Interestingly it does appear the MILs are the ones who mainly get the raw deal here, even when a nice MIL (which would appear to be the case here as she gets on with DIL)

I would like to think if I was the DILs mum I would be saying to DIL have Christmas with the OP once in a while. Think you are a bit of a shit mum if you expect your children to have Christmas with you every year, especially if there are in-laws involved.If they live close which they seem to do they can share some days over Christmas so she can see visiting family. Also looks like the DIL sees the visiting family other times in the year too.

I know a couple of people who expect their daughters to have Christmas with her every year with their partners and grandchildren. There is no way they would accept them spending Christmas with their respective in-laws or by themselves. I wonder if the DIL is in a similar position. But I think it is horrible to not let them have a different Christmas once in a while

OP is not being unreasonable to want her whole family at Xmas every so often- not once in 16 years- that’s really extreme!! Surely being part of a family is about give and take.

Is Dil’s mother controlling - wanting everything her way and not considering in laws? Maybe the siblings would rather not come over from France every year…. A friend has family in France and won’t go to them every year as flights, car rental at peak time is expensive, uses precious annual leave and she can guarantee arguments!

OP can only continue to invite and leave them to decide.

I mean despite my anecdote I don’t think YABU as such, I was just trying to highlight how having a big family means she might not be necessarily spending it with the same people every year. And she doesn’t insist DS goes with her. Does she see more of you the rest of the year?

I have never said a word, which, if you had read the thread, you would know.

We have always alternated (pre and post children) and if you get on with the in laws I think it's the reasonable thing to do.

But it's clearly not going to happen OP, so rather than get annoyed about having to do the full Christmas works twice, I suggest you just offer a nice "leftovers" meal - you can still do presents, crackers, games without the full on Christmas cooking faff. That's usually what we get from the family we're not spending Christmas with when we rock up on Boxing Day/the 27th and very nice it is too (also when we host Christmas and then go elsewhere).

Think about it, OP. Do you honestly want your DIL to spend Christmas Day or NYE with you, knowing that she would much rather be with her own family? I’m not sure what you think you’ll get out of it.

In 22 years we have spent 1 Xmas at the inlaws!

That was enough for me and my DH prefers Xmas with my family. To be fair they never asked us again so they probably prefer us not being there!

I can see how hurtful that is for you. However, she probably won’t ‘get it’ until a future daughter-in- law does the same to her.

OP is not being unreasonable to want her whole family at Xmas every so often- not once in 16 years- that’s really extreme!! Surely being part of a family is about give and take.
But she has that? Her DS has attended several times, presumably some of those times coincided with her other children being there too.

This is a problem that is of your own creation. Nobody is forcing you to have two Christmas days, that's your own choice to martyr yourself. If you didn't teach your son the word no I'm afraid that's on you.
And again, the more you reveal the more it's obvious it's a son not a dil problem. Take it up with him if you must, but leave dil out of it.

And stop expecting the next generation of women to doormat just because you did.

Life is way too short to spend it doing what others want you to do rather than what you want to do.

She wants to spend it with her family; she doesn’t want to spend it with you. And that’s okay. She shouldn’t have to feel obligated to come to you just because you gave birth to her husband.

Thanks. If I am honest, I am surprised her mum has not said anything. We know them reasonably well, and do get on otherwise. Reading between what crumbs have been dropped on this, I think there is at least one (single) sibling who gets quite emotional about them all being together and having a childhood Xmas with stockings at the end of their beds (they are all in their 30s) etc. So that may be partially it. But I do resent (quietly) that my family Xmas is always cancelled/moved because one sibling insists every year.

Actually you’ve made it clear you have applied pressure.

Maybe she hasn’t applied pressure because she thinks grown adults should be left to it.

Really? Where? Do illuminate me.

Surprised at the number of people who would happily accept that the only way they'd ever spend a Christmas day with their DS again after his marriage would be for him to have to choose them or his wife.
I suspect a lot of people saying you're unreasonable are DiLs but not yet MiLs.

But I do resent (quietly) that my family Xmas is always cancelled/moved because one sibling insists every year.

But it doesn’t need to be, you know. Do your Christmas the way you want it, on the correct day, with the family members who want to spend it with you. Stop trying to accommodate someone who doesn’t want to be accommodated.

OP - have you tried ever saying to DS “we really would like to have one Christmas Day with us all together, I know this year might not be an option, but would it possible next year for us to get everyone together for the day, including your wife?”

I mean, they will probably say no, but make it clear it’s something you would like. If you’ve always been keen to not put pressure on, you might have gone too far the other way and made them think you wouldn’t like a big family Christmas Day.

Through out the entire post where you constantly telling him he can go with his OH. Why are you even discussing it? Just leave them be.

The other solution, of course is to find a suitable partner for DILs single sibling who is insisting on maintaining their childhood Christmas Day. Preferably someone with an overbearing mother who will insist on Christmas at their house…

Yes, tried that a couple of years ago, rented a big house for a big family Xmas. Plans were 18 months in advance. She came for a few days. But not Xmas day.