To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

I don't think it is. If she has relatives who literally only come over from France once a year (at Xmas), of course she will want to maximise time spent with them.

But there are no sides! Just don’t do two Christmases; if your DS is disappointed by not getting Christmas 2: 2 Turkey 2 Baste and having a simple nice day after the fact, that’s on him.

My one sister's DH has 4 siblings. My MIL lives abroad and my father passed away. Plus I can't stand my mother so having my sister there for Christmas is quite important for us, especially for the kids as they have one cousin in the country and I want them to have xmas together. But my sister wants to do alternate years with her in laws. I feel like since they have five kids and they also see them very often, and as christmas is for kids and my kids are my sister's only cousins they should spend Christmas with us. But it doesn't matter what I think. Some people would say alternate years is fair. I would say given the kids and the imbalance of people in each family they should spend it with us. But any hint I made at being disappointed just enraged her. Ultimately you can be disappointed, but people have to do what they want to do. I sympathise but you can't win this one.

I have not made it a choice for anybody. I have said nothing. I have gone along with it for 16 years. I have been happy smiling mum saying "that's fine" we'll do Xmas another day" "of course, its nice to stretch Xmas out" "what's one day" said all that. I do not expect her not to see her parents. But why can't it be them on Boxing Day, or NYD, just for once?

Sorry can you just be 100% clear here?

Are you saying that in the interests of fairness your DIL should visit you ever other year because of fairness, and irrespective of -

Her wants?
The fact she rarely sees her siblings who live abroad?
Her wider family's wants and potentially needs?

I believe that your DILs wants and needs are infinitely more important than your view of fairness.

totally agree

Exactly this. I prefer Easter. Better weather (usually), more daylight (always) and far fewer demands!

"MiL "no worries, but we have also got DC and DiL coming for Xmas day"
That sounds like you don't want your DS there if your other children are there..."

Well, I would read it as, "This is our year for your siblings to be here, they will all be at their in-laws next year, so if you want to all be together on Christmas, this is the year to do it."

And also, "If you don't come on Christmas day, then trying to include you will mean I will have to make a second entire Christmas dinner, or move Christmas Day altogether, and that will affect your siblings and their spouses."

They would be gravely disappointed I feel if there were no present opening, a round of sandwiches and a cup of tea while we watched the news.

Well surely the presents will happen if you don't see eachother Xmas day anyway. Re sandwiches and TV, so disappoint them. You don't need to do performative hosting. DIL doesn't need to do performative visiting. Done.

Just because you bent over backwards for your parents and in-laws and let them dictate your lives, doesn't mean your son and dil owe you the same. This is exactly why your generation think the new generation is selfish. You allowed yourselves to be doormats and begrudge anyone else to have control over their own lives.

And watching the news is unreasonably dull when Xmas movies play right up to January.

It sounds a bit odd and unreasonable but it’s something you can do absolutely nothing about. I would therefore try and forget about it and enjoy Christmas with people who want to share it with you.

I do not expect her not to see her parents. But why can't it be them on Boxing Day, or NYD, just for once?

Your "entitlement" (not the right word, but you get the gist) is to your child, not your DIL. Nobody is stopping you from seeing your child, your family, except him by choosing not to be with you. Your DIL certainly hasn't and her own family most definitely haven't.

Or have they? Has your DIL or her family expected/required your DS to give up seeing you on Christmas Day so they can have him instead? And if they did, why didn't he just say no because that would be double standards?

Basically your problem is that you don't think it's fair. Fair enough, no-one likes to feel that they're getting a raw deal... but on the other hand life is not fair, you;re not a pubescent teenager any more, you haven't suggested that your DIL is an issue generally, or that you don't see enoguh of them. This is all about you getting hung up about a specific day or the year, when you could just respect your daughters wishes and chill out.

She’s being selfish if she isn’t willing split her time between families when OPs son is willing to do so. But if he is at peace with that then it is between them.

Ds and his gf live in the same city as me, but across country from her family. They spent last Christmas with her side and are going again this year. I’m planning to do something special with them the week before. She has a much bigger family as well so it makes sense, especially as they’re not all together often.
I could either fuss about ‘fair’ or make the best of what we have.. I’m doing the latter. I have a good relationship with her, hope she will be a ddil one day, and value that relationship.
Your feelings are valid, but I don’t think pushing them on your son and his wife is helpful.

I agree with you OP.

This sounds a bit like my circumstances. I have been married to DH for 5 years, together for 10. I have family who live abroad and pretty much the only time I see them is Christmas. I have never been to MIL's for Christmas. MIL used to ask me over although now is desperate for DH and I to host her and my family. I don't host my family at Christmas, I go to my parents house, they love hosting and have a big family do, my whole family comes over including cousins. I dont want to host Christmas at my house as we dont have the space for everyone nor really the money, and I dont want my MIL to come to my parents. It isnt anything against her but as a previous poster mentioned, I consider her to be my MIL, not my family. Everyone would need to sort of accommodate her for the day as my wider family don't know her. No one else brings their in laws either. I have said to DH to go and spend xmas with his side of the family so many times but he always says his Christmases are not as fun. I am dreading when we have children as MIL will pile the pressure on even more but I really look forward to Christmas with my family and whilst it is easy to recreate Christmas or have a meal and present swap with MIL a few days after Christmas, I wouldnt get the opportunity to see all of my family again until the next year. It sounds like your DIL is in the same boat and I really feel for her.

I'm a mum to one young DS and I honestly would hate him feeling torn between families at christmas. If his partner has a big special day, I would encourage him to go there and hold a family day another time - more days of fun to be had! Or if his partner doesn't have plans, the more the merrier for us. I hate forced obligations and would hate christmas to be a bloody ball and chain of tradition.

We go to my parents christmas eve, and my PILs another day over Christmas. Our parents have never pushed to be prioritised but I see this so much with my friends. Lots of my friends actually, pressured into spending time with dull or toxic parent in laws (not suggesting you are this op!) And it is so miserable. I say live and let live, arrange another special day and make new traditions!

News flash. If they wanted to spend it with you they would. If he wanted her to they would. He’s playing along with you when forced but it’s clear they don’t want to do this. Stop putting on pressure and leave them be.

We introduced Early Christmas last year so my son and DIL didn't feel any pressure about where to go. We travel to them for this, being together is more important than when it happens.

@maryanne3 She can do what she wants, it's her xmas too you know. Maybe your son would like to go to hers but knows you'd whinge about it

OPs son might want to split time between families - that he splits time might be because he is utterly selfish and thinks splitting time is the easy way to a relatively easy life. Mean DIL might want to spend time with OP every year, but does not do so because she feels obligated to her blood relatives.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with selfishness, so long as it isn't taken too far. It seems to me that DIL regularly visits and is a good DIL and her one, single bit of selfishness is "one day of the year blood relatives are my priority, and my husband is fine with that and can do what he wants." If that is the extent of her selfishness then her selfishness barely registers on the YouSirNeighMmmm selfish-o-meter.

TBH I agree with you @maryanne3 though it looks like I’m in the minority. I think you’ve been very good about it so far but it must be disappointing. It’s not all on your DIL, some of the ‘blame’ must rest with your DS too. I would be upset if every Christmas was like this, and I wonder if they understand this?

I think you can only reset the event as you maybe prefer now, so don’t do two Christmas dinners etc but make their visit easier for you (maybe go out somewhere instead of meeting at home). And I mean this both in terms of workload and emotional load. I can imagine that this pattern has made organising Christmas a bit disappointing so you’d probably be better off reframing it for yourself.

100%.

"Fair" would involve DS and his GF moving to a town exactly half-way between the two families and seeing you on alternative christmas'.

"Fair" could even involve her seeing you less often to make the amount of visits between the two sets of families more fair.

No-one wants to feel like a mug, but much better to concentrate on having good times when you can than worrying about what is fair.

i moved away from my family to be with my partner and I am with my partners family all year round. so at Christmas I go to my family and my partner normally does half and half.

It was a rhetorical flourish to get my point across. I suspect they would expect something "Xmassy" and not just an ordinary visit is my point.