To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

What makes them wanting to do what they want any more selfish than OP wanting them to do what she wants? If anything OPs expectations are more selfish than DS and DIL's wants.

Ah I see, so you want her to do what you and your husband did? Oh dear!

You are being completely unreasonable, she can go where she wants too on Christmas Day! You'd hate to be my mother in law I've been with my husband for 20 years and we've both been to my parents every single Christmas, so at least your son comes to you!

How many spe ial days a year does she spend with in laws? It could be a dozen family birthdays for all I know, and it's just christmas that is the one red line?

Does prioritising your own wants and (potentially) your blood relatives wants and needs over your MIL automatically make someone pompous or socially inept?

Well he doesn't ask us to "cancel" Christmas, just he would like pressie giving and a Christmas meal when he is with us.

Again that is your son, not your dil.
So sexist that you've deemed it your dil problem when of anything it's your son making demands.

So I'll ask again. Has your dil made any explicit demands of you?
Or just your son?

@maryanne3 you have had loads of flack on here from the people who see it all differently. Bear in mind that on MN MILs are hated, they are not allowed to visit newborns etc. There seems to be a whole new generation of women which is all about THEM and what they want to do. I have this situation too in my family and I have now decided "fuck it, do what you want" and it really makes it easier. If you try in any way to approach this there are tears and things said which are not nice and your son will take his wife's side or come to you on his own. I feel sad that my son comes on his own but tbh I think he likes it - gets to be back home and spoiled again as a son . I was raised to respect Grandparents and in turn in laws and yes sometimes do things which I may not have chosen to do but meant a lot to them. I have no regrets about this. I don't think it is that your DIL doesn't like you - she just likes herself better and maturity and life will show her potentially in time how selfish she is being.

Isn’t it sad that one day in the year seems to cause more upset , family arguments and unmet expectations than any other ?

I think you’re getting a lot of unnecessary flak on this.

Yanbu for wanting the two of them at yours some times on Christmas with the rest of your family.

You are human. Being with loved ones is what Xmas is about & that your DIL has never come to you is a bit weird IMO esp if you do get on.

I actually think it’s a bit rude of her if your relationship is as good as you say.

And I think it’s because you’re a MIL that you’re getting such ridiculous comments & accusations on this.

Dob’t think you can do much about it though as despite inviting her she’s clearly very insistent about where her priorities are.

I’ve not read the full thread but I can see you’re not getting much support here. For what it’s worth, I agree with you and actually think she’s being a dick. Over so many years it’s incredibly rude that she has never had Christmas with you. I’m not sure what the solution is though. Maybe speak to your son and ask if there is an issue and reiterate that the whole family will be coming this/X year and you would really like her to come because after 16 years of refusals, you’re getting a bit of a complex.

Hmm. I'm torn.

Is there a big difference between how each family celebrate Christmas?

I'm going to come at this from the perspective of someone who as a child until I moved out of the home, our family strictly alternated each Christmas between one set of grandparents/families and the other.

Their Christmases were very different and I must admit my heart sank every year when we were going to one of the families.

We always did it, but i never looked forward to it.

Well, I mean YOU want to have some sort of Christmas Day with him, and he wants to have some sort of Christmas Day with you, but he's also chosen to marry someone who wants to have Christmas Day not with you or necessarily him.

It's quite a stretch putting this on your DIL (and I tend to side with MILs in these things, because mine is so utterly lovely!). You're making it a choice for DIL and DS to have Christmas either with you or her parents. They've come up with a decent compromise which is splitting up for the day so every parent gets to see their child. You actually want HER to give up seeing HER parents so that you don't have to do two events. Which I get, who wants to go to all that effort twice. But can you see how ridiculous you're being? Their solution is perfectly acceptable, every parent gets to see their child on the day. What else is there?

As I said, these have sometimes been joint conversations; and yes it has been my understanding that when they do visit us over Xmas they do expect some sort of Xmas celebration, her as well as him. They would be gravely disappointed I feel if there were no present opening, a round of sandwiches and a cup of tea while we watched the news.

Just spend Christmas with the people who want to come. Have a nice meal with your DS and DIL on another date.
I sympathise but I'm the DIL in this situation. We only spent one or two Christmas's with my DH family in nearly 20 years and to be honest, I really didn't enjoy it. The kids didn't really enjoy it either. They were hospitable but inflexible about timing, food, activities, etc. All nice enough but only what they were used to doing.
So, we preferred to spend Christmas at our own home, with my Mum, sometimes friends and the SC as that worked out with their Mum and we'd see the in-laws between Christmas and New Year and had a celebration exactly how they wanted it. If they were unhappy about us not coming they never said so.
I'm afraid I did put my foot down. DH agreed with me..

I was with my ex for 14 years and although we spent Christmas Eve together and Christmas morning, I always went to my parents on Christmas Day and he with his family for dinner.

It wasn't an issue and I joined them around 6pm for family games etc

I just wasn't there for the turkey.

Nowadays I do the meal and if people want to come, they come. If not then they don't

You can ask but it's up to her at the end of the day. I wouldn't hold it against her

Why not go out for a meal with them ?

It doesn’t have to be a choice between Christmas Day My Way, or the deliberately cheerless visit you’re describing there !

As I get older and more mature I find that one of my biggest regrets - which I am desperate to put right - is the amount of time I have spent doing things because they were the easy thing to do, or I was expected to do them, or I felt obliged to do them, or even things that I wanted to do but with hindsight I wanted other things more (eg I might have gone out with friends after work in my early twenties because I knew it would be fun, but with hindsight I should have gone home and rested and read a book because that would have been as much fun, and I would have felt better the next day.)

Yup " it doesn't have to be on Christmas Day itself " - have heard that too!

They would be gravely disappointed I feel if there were no present opening, a round of sandwiches and a cup of tea while we watched the news.

Well that's on them! Let them be disappointed. They can't have it both ways, certainly not at your expense. That's LITERALLY what most families do with make-up celebrations: mince pies, a bit of booze, normal lunch or dinner, go for a walk, exchange gifts. It's the time spent together, not the paper hats and crackers.

How utterly bonkers to do a complete re-run of Christmas Day!

100%. IMHO people should spend much more time worrying about their day to day, week to week, and month to month lives, and much less time worrying about certain special days. For me a special day is one where there is zero pressure to make it special, ie every day of the year except for a handful!

Not at all. What it does mean is that I have an understanding of fairness which involves not expecting one side to "give" all the time.

oooooh. That's quite different.

Surely present opening is no great issue - surely you can all resist opening them until you next meet up whether than is boxing day or a month later?

Are you saying that a normal visit to yours is "a round of sandwiches and a cup of tea while we watched the news"? If so YABVU for expecting them to visit you ever!

We've done alternate years with ILs and my parents since we had kids, before that we actually split the day to appease MIL who was angry we weren't going to see them on Christmas day the first year DH and I were living together. The only year we did something different was when there was covid because we didn't want to have to pick and choose. It was probably one of my favourite years as it allowed us to do our own things with zero expectations.

I don't think YABU to WANT your DIL to consider alternating years but I do think that if she would rather visit her own family she shouldn't be guilted into visiting you. Those first couple of years of "sharing Christmas" made me a bit miserable albeit I don't mind how it is now. Quite looking forward to being at the ILs this year in fact although I'll miss my family!

But to be fair, YANBU to think that whoever is expecting you to host two christmas days is a CF

LET them be disappointed.

Giving them a do-over is just reinforcing their decision to spurn you. Just say "dinner and presents on Christmas Day; hope you can make it." Then done with it. If they say "Let's do Christmas on the 28th" say "Well, we'll be going for a walk and a pub lunch on the 28th, you're welcome to join," or whatever.