To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Maybe she does not know that you want her to go to your family sometimes?

I think she does, she'd just rather be with her family who only gather together properly a couple times a year.

MiL "no worries, but we have also got DC and DiL coming for Xmas day"

That sounds like you don't want your DS there if your other children are there...

Woman will always favour their parents. Men seem to favour the inlaws. Or they just do as their partner tells them 🤷🏻‍♀️

"could we do Xmas another day at your house?" "we can make Xmas another day" those sort of comments. "

I see no reason why your DIL's family couldn't do the same, most likely they are all around on Dec 26th too because of airline flights. Why can't they have Christmas on Dec 26th? Because they know that Christmas Day is special.

I understand you want to include your son, by moving Christmas around, because you want to continue including him in your family traditions, and his wife too, if possible. But I can't see how this doesn't make things really hard for your other kids, all this faffing around with dates every year. And, if your Christmas dinner with all your kids is moved to another day so you can accommodate his wife, then what do YOU do on Christmas day?

But that’s a conversation with your son? Has DIL actually ever made this request or has she, all along, been quite clear that she spends Christmas in France with her family, and has no need for a wrong-date Christmas on top?

So it's your son that asks then. Not the dil.
Take it up with your son.
Stop deflecting it on to the dil who from your description has zero influence in your celebrations.

No, it means "we can't just drop Xmas day as an event, as we have other people who have made the effort to be with us"

she does not spend Christmas in France. She has family in France, who come over. She actually spends Christmas about an hours drive away.

Still not the dil asking. It's your son. I don't know. I am reading it as whatever dil does is far more fun in your son's eyes but he still wants presents and time with you.
It's him who is having his cake and eating it.
Dil has absolutely nothing to do with it. Maybe take up the entitled attitude with your son if you are so keen to control his life.

You have asked me to precis 16 years of conversation into one specimen conversation. Sometimes it has been him, sometimes it has been both of them. This is not your gotcha moment I'm afraid.

Your son actually said to you words along the lines of "well as long as we can do the pressies and dinner another day?"???

Cheeky fucker!! He's asking his entire nuclear family to shift their christmas around so that he and his wife can have TWO christmases? And you've all allowed this to happen?? Who does he think he is?!

This is now a hugely different situation from the one you first posted about. The "REASONABLE" thing to do is for everyone to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day wherever they want. If not everyone is in the same place, you do make-up celebrations another day - like everyone else on the planet (who celebrates Christmas and can't split themselves in two).

Why on earth have you been allowing your son to railroad all of you into having YOUR Christmas whenever it suits him??

Hmmm, so just to clarify has the DIL directly ever made that request of you to host an actual Christmas day repeat?
Not a vague, we'd love to see you after boxing day etc. An actual request for you to hold off Christmas and do the whole shebang?
From your dil, not your son.

No, because it is never unreasonable to wish for anything. She can wish for santa to turn up this year with the sleigh pulled by unicorns instead of flying reindeer and that would be an entirely reasonable WISH.

Language matters.

And, and this is purre speculation on my part, maybe part of the reason that DIL does not visiti at christmas is because OP uses words like "it is our turn this year, we expect you to be here this time", instead of words like "of course we'd love you to come every year, remember that the door is always open if you ever want to come for christmas"

Personally I would have Christmas Day with the family members who want to be with you on that day, whether it be at your home or at theirs.
I’m blowed if I’d do a second Christmas Day with son and daughter in law.
Just say let’s together sometime in January ( don’t suggest any specifics as to date or venue ) and we’ll exchange gifts then.

For what it’s worth, my dad did every other year in our hometown and the in between years in his wife’s hometown (which we weren’t invited to). Great… except he expected us to be there every time it was ‘his’ year, as ‘he’s totally predictable so we should be grateful and fit in with that’. But we’ve got our own kids and in laws, what if their/our plans don’t fit in with strict schedule? He just couldn’t get his head round it at all. Easier now he’s buggered off abroad and we spend every year at home. People welcome here if they want, but I’m not dragging my kids around relatives houses every year.

Oh so she isn’t going to France for Christmas? She just goes an hour a way?
If that’s the case you have to accept she doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you. Maybe ask her directly, rather than going through your son

OP I don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel that after 16 years, your DiL could come to yours for Christmas. People on here have latched onto your use of the word "expect" and decided that you're controlling blah blah blah.
I think your DiL clearly doesn't like you as much as you say you like her, which is a shame. If I were you, I would have said to your DS that you'd love to see him on Xmas day, and let DiL get on with it with her family.

You should have christmas with people who want to be there this year - must be miserable having to have christmas with people who make an effort to visit.

Daughter in law sounds pompous or socially inept, she should have some inkling or her family should prompt her that occasionally a special day like Xmas could be spend with you.

Well he doesn't ask us to "cancel" Christmas, just he would like pressie giving and a Christmas meal when he is with us. And to be honest, up until recently I have gone along with it, because I want to have some sort of Xmas day with him and his wife. Not just "nice of you to pop round on New Year, do you mind helping us take the decs down?" "Here's a cup of tea and a sandwich" However it is a pain to do two Xmasses, and I feel it would help enormously if every so often we could count on having everyone round for Xmas Day.

Unless OP clarifies otherwise, "make-up celebrations", I.e. Dinner and presents, seem to be exactly what the son/DIL intend to happen. As you say, perfectly normal because no-one can be in two places at once.

So this is about what is most convenient for you and nothing to do with you wanting to spend time with your DIL?

Seems selfish IMO but it is between them as a couple.

You do seem very invested. They are a married couple, normally parents suggest they might like to spend it as a family creating their own traditions. All this going to one parents then the other is only the very early days of living together surely? Far too much expectation! I assume when they have kids they might like to host. As adults visiting obligations for each side every year must wear a bit thin.

See this sounds a bit odd OP “made the effort to be with us” just a bit passive aggressive sounding.

I’m the same as your DIL now, and have spent the last 3 years hosting my mum and dad at our house (Covid for two of those meant husband was here)
My husband is from another country a short distance away, and for years if I wanted to see him at Xmas I had to go to his country-as he point blank refused to stay here due to him being in the U.K. all year. I put my foot down a few years ago on this.
His parents are divorced and don’t speak to each other, his sister lives in another part of his home country and it was so difficult having to fit in stays with his sis and dad, then stay with mil who is lovely but has different ways/traditions than we do.

Ultimately, although I’m very welcomed I still very much feel like a guest, traditions are very different, food is different etc and I just don’t feel 100% comfortable the way I do in my own home with my own family.
My mil drops hints every year and I’m just honest and say I need some downtime at home catching up on real quality time with my mum and dad. I’ve never asked my husband to stay in the U.K. with me, she knows this but I think finds it odd I don’t travel back with him.
The expectations on in laws can be really difficult, try not to take it as a personal snub.