To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Personally I understand that people should be able to do what they like at Christmas. However, since it seems that both OP's DS and her DiL like to spend it with family rather than, say, friends, colleagues, or on their own, I don't think it's unreasonable of OP to wish she could have her whole family, including her DiL, together, at Xmas, once or twice. DiL could go and see her siblings on Boxing day for example. I don't think that asking to have everyone together every now and again is unreasonable.

You'd be absolutely justified in saying no to their requests to do Christmas on another day from now on. Maybe if you aren't quite so accommodating then they will have a bit of a rethink. Her family could take a turn on doing the Christmas on an alternative day celebration this year.

There is only so much you can put in an initial post. This information was in response to being called "passive aggressive" for moving the Xmas around to suit them. (Despite dozens of others suggesting this is precisely what I should do, since "it is only one day")

So you agree with me, there is no obligation for OP's "DIL to share the day", but it would be nice if she did?

She might be ALL ABOUT other people who want and need her - her blood relatives she rarely sees - for all we know. She might have what she does fourth on her list behind OPs house, at home with DP, at home by herself and finally, fourth choice, her blood relatives.

@maryanne3 I feel that you’ve have a bit of a tough time on here from some.
In my opinion you are not being unreasonable to expect your dil to consider you and take your feelings into account. I get that you have been very accommodating over the past years and this is probably where the problem lies. They believe you actually don’t mind that she doesn’t spend Christmas Day with you. Your ds sounds lovely and is probably stuck in the middle which is a shame for him.
I don’t have any answers but hope that one day she will put her ds first and agree to spend the day with you.

Not what she asked - she EXPECTS WHICH IS UTTERLY UNREASONABLE.

Language matters, and maybe OPs lazy use of language (eg using expet when she means wants) is a big part of the reason DIL doesn't visit. I am much more likely to go someone if the host wants me there than if they say they expect me to turn up.

Surely you understand they say that to make you feel better & them feel less guilty - they don't actually want you to change Xmas. I bet every year your DIL inwardly sighs at all the palava that will be involved in getting permission to visit her own family at the annual get together she really looks forward to, because someone else's mother will take offence.

A silent promise to my sons. They will never be expected on a specific day (Xmas or whatever) they will always be welcome any day. I hope they will come to visit sometimes because they want to, I hope they never feel obliged to visit me just out of duty. I hope their future partners feel welcome in my home, I hope they understand they are never obliged to visit and that if they want to stay away for any reason that's fine.

How do we know that DIL has not taken OPs feelings into account, and spends far more time with her MIL than she would otherwise like to?

Fair is=
You do what you want to do for your Christmas.
Your son does what he wants to do for Christmas
Your DiL does what she wants to do for Christmas

All adults, you can all make your own choices. I’ve never spent a single Christmas with either my own parents or anyone else’s since I left home and I’m not planning on that changing.

Your post really touched me. Christmas has always been a difficult time for me as my childhood wasn’t easy. I see my family at Easter because we enjoy it together because it doesn’t have the pressure of Xmas and I spend Xmas as a nuclear family where the kids just do what they want. I suggested going away on hols one Xmas thinking the kids must think Xmas is very boring but they were up in arms at changing and we’re going away new year instead… our “no pressure, no plans Xmas” has ended up becoming its own tradition for them 😁🎄

Op, I do sympathise with how you feel in this situation. Someone once described disappointment to me as unmet expectations and I’ve found viewing it that way very valuable. When I feel disappointment, I reassess my expectations. It helps me. I often find I’m judging others by my own standards… I guess, most of us do. If I like them/love them, I adapt whilst also keeping things healthy for me. Otherwise, I decide their values are too disparate from mine and walk away from any meaningful relationship. I accept (although I’m not quite at that stage yet) that if I want to keep my adult children in my lives it means unconditionally accepting their partners. My grandparents never accepted my Mum and it left never healed wounds and not doing that to my children means more to me that my expectations. I would personally keep doing what you’ve been doing as a gift for your son. I hope you have a lovely Xmas 2022.

I'm wondering if you'd keep going on and on about it, if she used "to wish" instead of "to expect". Why did you pick on single world? It's not like she's trying to impose anything on her DIL.

"It just seems a bit much, particularly when other children have carved out Xmas Day for us every so often, but we have to say "no we are having Xmas on New Year (presents opening, Xmas dinner etc) because DiL (and son) can't make it." Particularly when that does not work for other children, who are also trying to fit in in laws. We have had some years of staggered Xmas, Xmas day with some, and then them for another day; but honestly you do feel "Xmassed out" sometimes."

Oh, well I wouldn't rearrange your entire Christmas day for another day if your son and his wife are not coming. Just have Christmas on Christmas day, but with your other kids and without your son and his wife. Most likely that will work better for your other kids, it must be very hectic for them to have to keep changing their Christmas day plans every year depending on whether you are moving your Christmas dinner to a different day so your other son can be there. And all of that has a ripple effect if your other kids' spouses want to be able to get their own families together on alternate Christmases, as it means that each year they don't know whether or not they will be having Christmas at yours or whether they will instead be at your place for New Years or some other day. Your other children should not have to do all of this shifting and juggling , and it must drive their spouses bonkers, all so you can have a pseudo Christmas with your son's wife.

Is this what happened?
Mil: I'd love you to come to us this year.
Sil: well as you know wifey only gets this little time with her family but we are more than happy to do something after.
Dil:yes I am free from the 27th onwards if you wanted to do something?

Or did they actually demand you host and change the date. Quite a difference.
Quite a drop feed too.

As sad as it may be, maybe your daughter in law just doesn’t want to come to your house. Maybe she feels very differently about you as you do about her 🤷🏻‍♀️
I care deeply for my MIL but I find being around her too much to cope with, she is loud and excitable and gets the kids ramped up and everywhere is messy and a trip hazard, it gives me anxiety thinking about it.
Christmas is the only ‘time off’ I have, all my other holidays are usually crammed full with play dates, homework, work emails and even a bit of training or zoom meetings, so I do what I want at Christmas, maybe your DIL is doing the same.
Sorry it stings but you are being unreasonable to expect someone to do something they clearly have no interest in

“We could do Christmas another day?” 100% means “Look I don’t care but I feel rude saying a blanket ‘no’.”

As long as DIL isn’t stopping your son spending it with you, then I don’t see the big deal here. Everyone should do what makes them happy at Christmas, otherwise, what’s the point ?

@stuntbubbles 💯

You are getting a hard time here, OP. It's not unreasonable to wish for your son and his wife to visit on Christmas Day. Doesnt' sound as though you are expressing this or guilting them.

Just stop changing the celebration to suit her. Have Christmas on the day with whoever can make it, and enjoy that everyone who shows up is together, in good health and able to celebrate.

It sounds as she is quite enmeshed with her parents (that is no snark; I was too while mine were alive) and that is not a reflection on you. Whatever dynamics are compelling her to be with them on Christmas were established long before she met you and your son. Don't beat your head against that wall.

Are you sure they/she actually intend you to not have Christmas yourselves on the actual day? We end up having 3 Christmas celebrations, my family, his family, and our own at home on the day, but we wouldn't expect our families to not celebrate on the day itself.

It certainly shouldn't be 0-16. 16yrs is a long time not to have had Christmas together.

I think you’re being really unfairly treated here OP and YANBU at all. Relationships are about compromise and equality and I do think families should be treated equally and taking turns at Xmas is a very fair way to do that. I also don’t get the attitude that just because some family members choose to live abroad people have to drop everything when they are occasionally in the country. Why should you have to sacrifice every Christmas to them just because they chose to move away?

But OP has had Christmas with her son in that time, repeatedly. So it’s not 16 years they’ve not had Christmas together.

You’ll likely only make your situation worse if you make an issue of this. Forcing people to be somewhere they don’t want to be is counterproductive.

DH and I used to split Christmas in two. Christmas Eve to Christmas lunch at his parents, then drive to my family (about an hour away) and stay until the 27th. I hated going to his parents. It was incredibly boring and they used to spend the whole time squabbling about cooking the Christmas dinner. But I did it, out of a sense of duty.

When MIL started complaining that she didn’t get Christmas night with us and felt pressure to work to a particular time for Christmas dinner (it was regularly 3 hours later than planned and we’d have been happy with a microwave meal to avoid the massive fuss that always pervaded) I stopped going at all. Nobody was having fun.

DH and the kids go there Christmas Eve and we all go to my parents on Christmas Day. It is infinitely more relaxing and enjoyable an arrangement for everyone.

She’s not going to come. Have your own Christmas with whichever family members can make it, and then have a nice meal with them and gift exchange a few days later. It’s not the same, but I think it takes the sting out a bit if you remove them altogether from the plans for the actual day.
I find her attitude quite rude, but you can only change how you react, so I would work on that.
I hope you have a lovely day!

More like

MiL "what are your plans for this year?" (c early Oct)
DS: Not sure will get back.

Nothing

About November "so any plans for this year?"

DS DiL is going to her parents. But I could come to you?"

MiL "no worries, but we have also got DC and DiL coming for Xmas day"

DS "well as long as we can do the pressies and dinner another day?"