To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

I think the context of this post is quite clear. It comes under the heading "Am I being unreasonable?" FFS.

Moving the day for sixteen years when it's very clear she's not coming is so passive aggressive.

She doesn't want to come.
Get over it.

She is not controlling. He is free to do whatever he wants.

That's the whole thing. She has never asked, demanded anything of anyone.

She has simply stated her plans. His side are the ones trying to control her. He doesn't have to like it. But him and his do have to accept it.

It just seems a bit much, particularly when other children have carved out Xmas Day for us every so often, but we have to say "no we are having Xmas on New Year (presents opening, Xmas dinner etc) because DiL (and son) can't make it." This is bonkers. Just celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day with whoever is there, if you are seeing son and DIL subsequently (or even previously) then keep back their presents and do a present exchange when you see them. If you feel Christmassed out, as you put it, then make the subsequent celebration with them a bit different. If you want to go away then go away - son and DIL are doing their own thing so you can do yours. Do it with whoever wants to join in. I get that you'd like to have everyone together, but it's not as if you are sitting at home all alone while your son and DIL celebrate elsewhere. You have options.

This is what I don't understand. Why can't you just celebrate on Christmas Day with the rest of your family. When your son can join that's even better. And when he can't, have a separate celebration with just your DS and DIL on another day.

I agree with others that Christmas shouldn't be about turn-taking, it's about spending time with family, and I wouldn't begrudge that she values time with her family much more than with in-laws. She's still visiting before or after it sounds like so she's making the effort.

Not your problem. This is your sons problem. And if he's got issues about not being with his wife for Christmas day, he needs to use his words and say something to her.
You kicking up a stink about it is only going to make her LESS willing to come.

It is a strange spin to think that OP is crazy for having expectations about how another adult chooses to spend her time?

I think that it is a bizarre and ridiculous spin to assume that OP is talking about wanting her daughter to visit when she made it absolutely clear in the title that she expects not wants.

It is what they have asked us to do. How is that passive aggressive?

Yes, and it is unreasonable, utterly unreasonable to EXPECT that others will do what you want when they have every right to do what they want.

Mate, you clearly have a bit of a block about this, so excuse me if I don't respond further to you.

DIL asked you to? Then she's being unreasonable here. You have other children too who need to faff around, because one person doesn't want to visit you on actual Christmas. Seriously, you should move on and embrace the presence of your other DCs.

"could we do Xmas another day at your house?" "we can make Xmas another day" those sort of comments. Happily taken on board until now. Just starting to wear a bit thin.

You are like a dog with a bone, give it a rest fgs.

By the sounds of it, your DIL sees Christmas as family time but doesnt see you as family - I guess your son sees her as his family and therefore they will never come to yours. If I was you, then I would stop the whole - oh son just go to theirs, they are married and presumably live together, am sure they can survive without each other for a couple of days.

I just think that if an OP wants to use the word "expect" they then can't moan that they're being unreasonable, because she thinks it's reasonable to "want" DIL to visit.

OP expects DIL to visit, and expects MN posters to agree with her that it is reasonable to WANT her to visit, when that isn;t even the question she asked.

I have no idea how reasonable or unreasonable OP and DIL are, but the one certainty is OP expecting a visit is NUTS, utterly nuts.

If you'd asked whether you were being unreasonable for telling your DIL to get lost when she started suggesting you rearrange your family christmas for her benefit then I would say "of course not".

Haven't read the whole long thread OP only your posts. Have you said to DIL well ahead of time, "we would love you to come to us for Christmas this year, what about it?" Rather than wait for her to "announce" where she is going. Maybe she does not know that you want her to go to your family sometimes?
Perhaps be proactive next time.

I sympathise with you OP having been in the same situation.
I do think a lot of the replies on here are very harsh with the constant ‘why should she’, they are just so typical of the selfish attitude that seems to appear in abundance on here at times.
No there is no obligation for your DIL to share the day but wouldn’t it be nice if just for once she thought of someone other than herself and said they would share the day together with you.
She could then spend Boxing Day with your son and her own family.
But that involves a little bit of a sacrifice, a smidgeon of consideration, and a big measure of kindness, sadly all those attributes are in short supply it seems.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever happens.

I always spent Christmas day away from my partner, each with respective parents. We then spent New Year together. We'd have a Christmas meal out together in the city we live in, then both travel our separate ways to visit parents, then come back together for NY. I was totally happy with that!

The notion of moving the date around until everyone can be there at once, so that Christmas goes on for a fortnight, seems, to me, monstrous. Are you sure that when she says, 'can we move the date around?' she doesn't really mean, 'please leave me alone!'?

I think I'd just have Christmas on Christmas, with whoever wanted to be there, or could be there.

Can you give a run down of what your Christmas is like? Like if they came up Christmas Eve (say later afternoon) - can you give a run down from say Christmas Eve 5pm until bed time (food, drinks, any special activities), What is Christmas morning like? Time getting up? Opening presents? Any champagne/sparkling wine involved? Is it a lavish breakfast? Anyone made or 'preferred' to go to church? What is for lunch, what time is it served? (For me this is quite crucial). What nice snacky things to you have? What drinks do you serve throughout the day. Do you have nice crackers?

I need this information to decide whether she is being unreasonable or not.

You don't think her family want her there? That she doesn't consider their feelings and wants? That she isn't being kind to them?

She has a cheek to actually ask you to move Christmas, because she doesn't want to visit you then. I think you should stand up for yourself this year and seriously, she can jog on with this behaviour.

This. This should have been said in the first place, OP would avoid lengthy thread of people trying to prove her she's a bad person and tries to possess people.

I can see why you feel a bit sad that she doesn’t want to come to you for Xmas but YABU to expect her to, especially when her family has visitors from abroad who she doesn’t get many chances to see.

If your DS wanted to come to you he would, presumably he lives with her the rest of the year so it won’t kill them to be apart for one day. Especially as she’s happy for him to come to you.

There's quite a bit of drip feeding now going on with this thread as you are now saying they/her ask for Christmas to be moved to accommodate her/their visiting family abroad.

It's quite clear that you should just do Christmas Day itself with whichever of your children and wider family/friends are available on the day itself and then have another meal for DIL and DS either before or after Christmas just as a nice catch up and present swap. You don't need to move Christmas to New Year and it would be much easier if you just made peace with the fact your DIL wants to catch up with her own family abroad for Christmas. Sometimes your DS will be with you and sometimes he won't. Does it really matter in the grand old scheme of things that your DIL wishes to spend Christmas with her family?