To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

That's not what you asked though. You asked if it's reasonable to "EXPECT DiL to come to us for Xmas?" not to "expect a married couple to consider both sets of parents".

Have you any evidence that they have not considered both sets of parents? Is it possible that they have considered both sets of parents and the way they behave involves spending much more time with you than they would choose to were they not so considerate of your feelings?

You are totally and utterly unreasonable to expect an adult to come to yours for christmas because they are married to your son. You can hope, you can want, but expecting other people to do things because you want them to with no cosideration for their wants is utterly outrageous.

My issue is 100% with your use of "expect".

It also saves buying a present. If/WHen they have children she may try to do this then, that's the time for their father to insist that he sees them every other year at least.

I haven’t read the whol thread but just wanted to say I do feel for you OP. I’ve been with my DH about 18 years, since uni and until we got married we never spent Christmas together. After we got married we took it in turns to go to each other’s families - neither live close enough to just drop by for a visit. I absolutely love Christmas, and I have a big family. It is buzzing at my parents house, and great fun. I’d much rather be there, my DH has a smaller family and they never watch Christmas movies or anything like that really. However, my DH would like to spend Christmas with his family too. So I do, because I want to be with him and I love him and want him to be happy. So is it possible your DH doesn’t really want to come to you for Christmas for some reason?

I have a friend who does this with her DH. They live near her family so see them a lot and rarely see DH family. They always go to her family for Christmas too. I feel sorry for her MIL, I’d be really sad never to see my children for Christmas after they have a partner. In my experience it often is the wife’s family that people go to. Another reason I’m glad to have daughters to be honest.

Neither my parents or my DH’s parents but much pressure on us either way which is nice, although suspect MIL would if we never went to them.

I can completely understand where you are coming from OP - and you sound like a lovely MIL. However...

I would just accept that at Christmas your son and DIL will spend it with her family due to the logistics of having family who come from France. I just don't think you will 'win' this one and continuing to hold on to this expectation and hope is no good.

Could you adopt Easter as a bigger deal - where you can have all your children and their spouses instead? I agree that shifting Christmas and doing another one is just too much and will become a chore as people become 'Christmased out.'

We get it, you think op is unreasonable but typing a page of alphabet soup just makes you look stupid tbh.

But the issue here is not whether OP is unreasonable to want her DIL to visit at Christmas... the issue is "expect"... and a definition of the word expect helps illustrate how utterly unreasonable it is to "expect" visits from anyone at any time, let alone a DIL at a particular time which is special to her due to family abroad.

OP,
I think after 16 years your other children are fully aware that this DIL will not be coming on Christmas Day so if they are carving out time to have Christmas Day with you they are not doing it with the expectation that she will be there.
So you don’t have to keep doing Xmas reruns I think you are doing it in the hopes of achieving that ‘all together’ experience. I think if you let go of that ideal you might find it easier that keeping hoping every year. Just liaise with everyone choose a day in the festive period where everyone can be there without any tension or distress and make that your day.

What about your son and DIL? When do they get to have their family Christmases and host everyone? Why does it have to come to you?
i hate the expectations involved and because you trudged to you in laws others have to do the same. What if they have kids and want to stay at home?

This is about your DS. There are no kids so he can choose where he goes. It is nothing to do with your DIL.

I think more couples should do this. Especially if there are no kids involved. A lot of people preferred their own tradional Christmas this way everybody wins. Parents see their kids, kids get to have their Christmas with childhood family. No need to misout every other year and potentially feel sad about it. You have the theater 360+ days to spend together as a couple

Me and my siblings partners other parent has passed away and therefore we mostly spend holidays not with partners cause nobody wants their parent alone on Christmas nor spending every Christmas with inlaws.

Why are you blaming her? It's your son who is choosing not to be at your house.

My ds has been married 12 years, together 15, and I have a 10 year old dgc.
We’ve had Christmas with them at their house twice.
My dil has never had Christmas Day at our house although ds has brought dgc over a couple of times for Christmas Day.
I just let them get on with it, they know they’re very welcome.
But it would be nice, just once, to have a big family Christmas.

yes, but even your dictionary definition of "expect" includes "consider reasonable" you choose to chuck in all the other definitions, which are not meant in this context. Words are context dependent, and often have several meanings. Look up "subject", "contract" or "season" while you are in there.

I’m your DiL in this situation. My DH would’ve preferred to take turns and spend it together but I wouldn’t and I wanted to be with my family. Never made him come with me, so it seems weird to want someone to do something they don’t want to do? I didn’t even have family abroad - just didn’t want to spend Xmas with someone else’s family. Now with kids people can come to us!

Would be happy to go to theirs at Xmas, and it was once suggested by DS, we jumped at the chance. However she quashed it saying she wanted to go to her parents.

I don't find this satiation at all unusual or unreasonable.

In-laws aren't chosen, they come (for better or worse) as part of the package with your spouse. I know quite a few mixed nationality (particularly UK/EU) relationships where "we get along well with [them] otherwise" hides more than a few ignored/over-looked issues that the in-laws hope will be ignored for the sake of a picture postcard family. One of those relationships is very close to home.

Life is too short, she is not stopping your son from visiting so what the problem?

My son would very much like to come to our house for Xmas, particularly to see his own siblings and nieces. He sometimes does by himself, and sometimes goes to her family.

The trouble with that response is that OBVIOUSLY it is 100% reasonable for DIL to come to yours every other year, and it is equally reasonable for DIL to never ever visit you at all if she doesn't want to, Christmas or any other time of the year. Lots of things, including ones that are mutually exclusive, can be reasonable.

I also note that the Cambridge definition does not involve the word "reasonable".

I also note that very very few people would interpret "I expect my GP to see me and to try to diagnose my illness" to mean "It would be reasonable of my GP to see me and to try to diagnose my illness". It might be "reasonable" to expect that of your GP, but that is not theword that pops into one's head when you read "expect"

i think you need to let go of the idea that there is a compromise to be had here. DIL doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you. That’s non-negotiable. So stop moving Christmas around and just have it on the day itself. Sometimes your son will be there, sometimes he won’t – which is the same as if DIL did want to spend Christmas with you, it’d be sometimes yes, sometimes no. It feels like you’re tying yourself in knots – renting a house by the sea! Moving Christmas Day to new year! – to do something DIL has never asked for.

There might be something going on that you don’t know about. Some family trauma that makes Xmas with her parents and siblings unmissable for your DIL. It might not even be something she experienced or even knows any details about. It could be a generation back.
I wouldn’t bother trying to understand it OP. Just appreciate the nice relationship you have with your DIL the rest of the time and plan nice Christmases with the people in your family who do come.

@WickedStepmomNOT thank you! I think a baby is a great wake up call to change things that no longer work for us as a couple. xx

The problem is she is putting her own wishes above her dh’s which is fine occasionally but every Christmas seems excessive.
If she won’t even host Christmas once with her dh at his suggestion she doesn’t just have boundaries rather she’s very controlling.
Unless of course OP and her dh are absolutely awful knobbers, can’t be sure tbh.

I would just say yes to your son coming for Xmas more often instead of not to worry. I don’t see much else you can change here, like it or not. (We alternate between dhs and my family, for the record).

I think you're putting a very strange spin on what OP actually said.

This thread really feels like it's turned into an opportunity for people to get out their own frustrations about family expectations by giving OP a good kicking. OP, it's a bit odd that your DIL has never spent Christmas with you and I don't blame you for feeling sad about it. It might be that she comes under a lot of pressure from her family to spend every year with them. As PP have suggested, maybe doing fake Christmas on a different day would be a good way forward- that's what we do and it works well and has also been a godsend for helping small children not get too overwhelmed (as presents etc are spread over two days)- I don't know whether that's relevant to you.