To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Perhaps her family would like to have your son come to theirs but he chooses to be with you. YABU.

I really do not know what I have said that makes you think that I treat people like chess pieces, like some Bond villain. Quite the opposite. I have fitted around everybody else for the last 16 years without a word to anyone but my DH, not to them, not to my other children, not even to friends. I have tried every compromise. I am not trying to move people around. I simply fail to understand how it is reasonable to expect one side to compromise all the time.

OP, it’s clear your DIL does not want to come to your house for Christmas Day so the unspoken question is if you can make her. The answer to that is no if you are being a reasonable adult. If you force your son to make her visit and miss her family day you will damage your relationship with her.
You stated that you sense the Christmas Day visit is already a bone of contention between them so if you do anything to escalate things you will pretty much guarantee a row between your son and his partner.
I think you have to make New Year with all the family your ‘thing’ and Christmas Day her ‘thing’

You said I also posted at the same time as the OP clarified that her DS also goes to France, or I wouldn’t have written it

But the DS does NOT go to France and neither does the DIL. The DIL's Parents live close to the op, not in France

You're not compromising.
There is no comprise
She has made a decision you just accept it

I think I realise that. The post was simply to test the water about whether or not there should be any expectation that a married couple consider both families in their Xmas arrangements.

This!

I am not sure what your definition of compromise is then. To me it is compromise to have our "Xmas" on another day, to fit around her family. I just ask whether I should compromise every year.

She does consider both families. Just not in the way you want her to.

She is more than happy for your family to be together and hers be together.

So you want your DIL to put your want over her own. Em, no.

This could have been wrote by my late MIL,. I am not putting myself last for anyone elses wants. My family needs yes but anyone elses wants nope. There have been generations of women who did not following the sheep.

When I am the MIL I will expect them to choose their wants too

I simply fail to understand how it is reasonable to expect one side to compromise all the time.

On what are you compromising though, OP? An every-single-person-together Christmas Day?

A compromise is where people meet in the middle. There clearly is no middle to meet at here. Your DIL doesn’t see Christmas Day the way you do. It’s not like she too has similar expectations of everyone being together but insists it’s always at her house or her parents’ house. She simply doesn’t see everyone together as an option. There’s nothing to compromise on. Christmas, for her, is with her own parents and siblings - period.

Well said, absolutely spot on!

Aaand this is why Christmas becomes such a mess. Hurt feelings and complicated arrangements at every corner.

Please just focus on what is good in your relationship with your DS and DIL and let go of this. You might not get a Christmas where you can say “I collected the set” but maybe you could arrange that for one of your birthdays. It doesn’t sound as though she dislikes you, she just likes her family Christmas. She would probably come if it was your birthday.

To compromise means you have to for go something.

You have zero control over her pr her decisions. So you compromise nothing.

You can choose to have your Christmas on another day if you wish. Or don't it makes no difference to her at all or what she is going to do. Because this set up works for her.

Has she ever spent Boxing Day with you?

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time, of course it's reasonable that you would want to spend a Christmas with your son and his wife.

If I didn't know better I'd think you were my MIL, but the circumstances aren't quite right. I always feel sorry that BIL won't spend Christmas with her because SIL will only spend it with her own family. MIL is not selfish to feel that way!

Pp are right that you can't 'expect' them to come to yours, but marriage is about give and take and both families (as long as there nothing unpleasant or crazy going on).

I have no advice, it just sucks they don't seem to be more sensitive/considerate

You're making my point for me. How have you compromised? You haven't. There is no need for you to compromise, you have never been asked to compromise.

She doesn't want to come to you at Xmas, and doesn't. She has never asked you do any compromising. Your DS sometimes comes to you and sometimes doesn't. HE may or may not be compromising with his wife, we don't know. You aren't though.

You haven't fitted around anyone at all. You haven't been asked to! She just doesn't come. She doesn't have to. He comes sometimes.

Where do you imagine you have compromised or fitted around anyone?

And on a related note, it's half-past three, and it's already dark. Eurgh. Roll on Easter.

Yours truly, Another Christmas Grinch.

I’ve already had one deletion message today and I’m kind of half trying not to get another one, so I’ll just very politely direct you to the last sentence of my post above, where I have deleted all mention of France and have replaced it with ‘in laws’.

I think your DH has every right to be pissed off @maryanne3 and he would be well within his rights to question why his wife would prefer to spend time with her family than with him – I find that very strange, does DIL always prioritise her family over her husband?

However, I don't think you personally have any cause for complaint. DIL doesn't stop DH coming to you and it doesn't sound like her absence is any great loss.

See, I view the idea of having ANYONE (life partner excepted) "to yourself" for a period of time to be quite an entitled and bizarre attitude.

I tend to think that people need to learn to find happiness in themselves, and then hope that one's happiness is increased by mutually beneficial, loving, personal relationships with others, including friends and family and life partner. The idea that happiness comes from compelling or making demands of others strikes me as narcissistic, desperate, sad, and unlikely to work.

Then again I find the whole idea of special events somewhat bizarre, and feel that they get in the way of trying to have a day to day life that works for you.

This is tough. I can see OP's point of just once in 16 years she could have Xmas with her DS and DIL at hers. But she's very grown up about it, and although DIL says DS can go to OP's for xmas while she goes to her mum, OP is happy for her DS to share going with DIL to her mum and only sometimes come solo to OP's for xmas. It would be nice if DIL reciprocated but unfortunately that doesn't look like its going to happen.

Perhaps DS could suggest to his DW that she get her mum to invite OP over to theirs for part if not all xmas day? That way OP could have a bit of xmas day with DS and DIL together, even if its not at her own home. I do think a bit of flexibility is useful for these big family occasions.

I'm with you there

Until we had kids my OH and I went our separate ways on Christmas morning - him to his parents, me to mine. I saw him every other day, Christmas is whatever you want it to be. My parents have long since passed and I’m glad we spent that time together.

For all you know the compromise is that DIL visits MIL at all! Or it might be (more likely) that DIL visits MIL twice as often as she sees her own family and the compromise quid pro quo is that the visits are never at Christmas. Why does the compromise need to be 50/50 DIL visit MIL at christmas?