To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

Dealing with the fact that her son can essentially never spend Xmas with her if he wants to be with his wife. Whether you think Xmas day is important or not, to some it is. That would still upset me a bit even if I would never ever say anything or expect otherwise. I’ve however said that she needs to learn to let the upset go as you can’t (and shouldn’t) do anything about it.

@Milesty1 I'm reading it the same as you.

My dh and I always spent Christmas apart until we had children. We didn’t mind being apart since we were together the rest of the year and we saw plenty of each other’s families too during the rest of the year. But we each liked to see our own family on Christmas until we had children to consider. If they don’t have children then I think you just need to leave it up to them and not take offence. If you care enough about your DIL to want her there for Christmas then try and express that care by letting her make her own choice. And you’re projecting your view of Christmas onto them by saying you need to give your son permission to go with your DIL as you don’t want them to have to be apart. But they clearly don’t mind at all.

I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time. My DMIL or DM would be very upset if they never had us for Christmas, Christmas is a very important part of acknowledging family in most families I know. It's so much easier for single adults that I don't know how 16 years can pass without one Christmas visit; a single special place booked / their house / visit both in one day, you've covered every option in the past. I don't know what to suggest, but I'm sympathetic that it seems unfair.

Why is it so important to you that your DIL spends one Christmas with you?

She said ‘She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas‘. I read that as the OPs DiL going to her family and the OP’s DS going to hers. I also posted at the same time as the OP clarified that her DS also goes to France, or I wouldn’t have written it.

Adults need to compromise sometimes IMO. I bet if a woman had posted that her DH refuses to ever spend Christmas with her parents then the responses on here would be very different, with cries of LTB, manchild and selfish prick etc.

I think it's fine. There's no law to say people have to do the same thing at Christmas. This year DH is going to his dad's in Glasgow and I'm going to my parents where we live because I'd rather to that.

I don't understand why you would expect her to come after 16 years of not coming?
I can understand why would want her to, especially if it's obvious your DS misses her the years he is with you and she is not.
But there isn't really anything you can do about it.
Your options are to continue on as you are or pressure your son to come even if she isn't.
You obviously did put pressure on her the year of the house by the sea and it didn't work, so it's unlikely to work another time.
She may really wish she could have Christmas with your family for all you know, she could have a parent/grandparent/sibling who lays on the manipulation thick and fast and she buckles under the pressure.
She could just really miss her sibling/s who live abroad and not want to miss any available time with them...there are all sorts of possibilities and you might not be told about some.
I think you should just be glad you have a good relationship with her the rest of the year, that seems worth appreciating.

I think just ask her to come over again. If she accepts great but if not, then there is not much you can do about it.

Time with family is important. Sounds like she loves her Xmas in France with family.

When you say 'expect' then yes YABU. If you'd said 'to want her to come' then that's not unreasonable

It's well- known that mentioning you're a MIL on AIBU means a proportion of posters will put the least charitable spin they can on everything you say. It happens every time.

OP, it's also worth remembering that atm MN is full of posters who hate (in no particular order) their own families; their ILs; their supposed friends; their employers; women; other MN posters; anyone who has any sense of responsibility towards others. The point of their posts is to be a gf or kick at the OP.
Lots of families split time over Christmas. As it's just one day (stands true for DIL and DS as much as it does for OP) then most couples either have Christmas alone and then visit family over the entire holiday period, or alternate Christmases with each family; or if they live close enough see both families on Christmas Day. We've done a mix of all of these depending on the stage of our relationship and the ages of our DCs. DIL obviously has a different view. Let her and DS get on with it. Welcome them if they turn up but don't expect them. They need to work out their own priorities as a couple.

Op clarified no such thing, the DIL doesnt even go to France, nevermind her DS!

I don't think OP said that did she?

Leave her off op and enjoy having your son to yourself for Christmas!

OP, it's also worth remembering that atm MN is full of posters who hate (in no particular order) their own families; their ILs; their supposed friends; their employers; women; other MN posters; anyone who has any sense of responsibility towards others. The point of their posts is to be a gf or kick at the OP.

Ain’t that the truth 😅

I think it’s weird for a couple to never spend Christmas together.

It's as though a little pocket of incels have found MN.

I am with you OP. I am with himself 17 years now. We don't do "turns" but i have spent xmas with both families and also have hosted ourselves. Yes you might not like your in-laws, but unless for some super extreme reason ( abuse, racists pedophile ect) you have to suck it up and comprise that you have to see them every once in a while, and be civil. I would not want to spend xmas day separated from my husband regardless of what we are doing. I acatully prefer going to my in lawas for dinner as they are supurb cooks, dinner is fan, Where my mothers is dried up turkey ( cooked for nearly a day) watery gravy and hard spuds. Plus she works herself up so much she gets super stressed and then rows start so i don't enjoy it at all. Also have memories of xmas day with my father-in-law who sadly is no longer with us. I have a friend who is married over 20 years and refuses point blank to go to his family for xmas day ( only a 10 mins drive for them to both sets ) she has to be at mummys ( she is a grown women), she wont ever do it herself either. Unfortunately, now his mother is no longer with them.
I get that your DIL is a grown women and can do her on thing but to me i am totally get you,

I think it's weird for people to comment without reading the OP's posts.

Well to me it seems as if the issue is that she prioritizes being with her family of origin over being with her husband on Christmas. He is willing to compromise and go to her family over Christmas so that they can be together on Christmas, but she is not willing to do the same. She expects that he will either be apart from her on Christmas, or, if he wants to be with her, he will not get to see his parents on Christmas. I think that is pretty selfish actually, and if, as you say, it is a bone of contention between them, it suggests that she is wielding some power in the relationship. There certainly could be more to it, which is none of your business, but I don't think that you have to twist yourselves into mental knots to excuse her exclusion of you.

Creating memories and togetherness at traditional holidays such as Christmas (it would be different holidays for different families, eg for Hindus it might be Diwali, etc.) do play a part in developing family relationships and fostering happiness and even good health. It's understandable she wants that for herself, her parents, her siblings, but then I think you too deserve the same thing. I have been separated from my parents for Christmas for many years because of where we live, and I will say it weighs on them, and it weighs on me.

To be honest, I would not pretend that this does not bother you, especially to your son. Not that you should go out of your way to tell him it bothers you, but also I don't think you should put on a fake, martyr-ish, "it's ok, we LIKE playing cards all by ourselves and we won't have to get as big a turkey, we'll be fine." It's not fine. He's allowed to care about you and to want you to be included in traditional family holidays just as much as his wife wants the same for her family. Also, if you give up on togetherness at Christmas, and they build a new tradition where they are both always with her family for that, then you may end up with your relationship with your son withering away, as many people associate traditional holidays with "nearest and dearest" and the people they feel close to are the ones they have those traditions with.

It's also well known that you can be a MIl and actually be totally wrong.

Like OP is. She treats people as objects she can move her around her own chess board. It's a really odd attitude

Well to me it seems as if the issue is that she prioritizes being with her family of origin over being with her husband on Christmas

Is there any indication that her husband isn't totally on board with that? No.

Ffs.

She said ‘She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas‘. I read that as the OPs DiL going to her family and the OP’s DS going to hers. I also posted at the same time as the OP clarified that her DS also goes to his in laws, or I wouldn’t have written it.