To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

I rather resent the implication that our family Xmas is so boring that they do not want to come! We always push the boat out with drinks, tasty food, games, music, walks, pubs etc.

That's a lot. I don't want a busy Christmas Day. I want some nice food, a few drinks and to relax for a while watching the kids play.

Maybe your Christmas Day is just too busy for her, or maybe she just loves her family Christmas.

Nobody's wrong in this situation really.

How is she hogging it? She’s not preventing OP having Christmas. There’s not a finite amount of trees and turkeys and crap telly. “DIL has gone to France AGAIN, I’ll cancel the Waitrose order and no presents for anyone.”

If he'd rather go to his family not mine, then yes!

It’s interesting OP hasn’t mentioned their ages. I wonder if it’s because the bulk of the 16 Christmases were actually when they were fairly young.

God, yes, he’d also rather suffer alone than put me through it. Why ruin Christmas for me too? He’s Jack and I’m Rose on the bit of door floating in the icy water: save yourself!

No-one is saying it is unreasonable to WANT the DIL to visit.

The question is whether OP's role as MIL gives her some sort of dictatorial power over DIL, and it clearly doesn't. She has no right to "expect". If OPs son has no problem then OP has no right to have a problem.

If she had said "want" then I would have no problem, the fact that she used "expect" makes her completely unreasonable and makes her sound like a potential nightmare IMHO.

YANBU for wishing this could be different, but it would be unreasonable to judge or pressure her over this. Clearly going to her family for Christmas is very important to her, and it's for her and your son to discuss/decide between themselves. Nothing to do with anyone else.

OP - are they married? You say DIL but if they aren’t married it could be you view they are a proper couple who you’d expect to spend Christmas Day together (as your partner is usually your priority family!) but they aren’t really mentally in that space so that’s why she’s ok with not spending Christmas with her DP and also doesn’t see you as part of her family.

If they are married yet she still doesn’t see her husband and his family as her family, that’s pretty odd.

Didn't the OP state that the DIL's parents live in the UK? It's just that some family (siblings?) live in France so the opportunities for the whole family to be together are few and far between. Christmas gathering has become an established (and presumably enjoyable) tradition for DIL.

Blimey, just look at the language you use...

"And this year I will probably say it is fine for him to go there (again) rather than be separated over Xmas." how magnanimous of you!!!

"AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?"
and then...
"we do not have any expectations"
But you clearly do have expectations!!!

"Just that in our early married years my husband and I were religious in dividing Xmas equally between both sets of in laws; just seems fair to me."
Just because it's what you did doesn't mean it's right for them. Why should she tow the line and come to you every other year? (as you've stated you want)

My DSIS took turns with our parents and BiL's, trouble was, I was also expected to fit in with her every other year arrangement until I put my foot down!!

They're adults, stop being so entitled - it's not up to you and your "expectations".

She still dobbed out of Xmas Day, joining us initially, then leaving on Xmas Eve.

Oh, stop nit picking. Sometimes in families you have to accept that people have closer ties to others than to you. She came but went elsewhere for two days. You're a big girl and old enough to know that those two days are not the be all and end all. She would have looked the same, sounded the same, done the same things.

If you were saying she insisted your son go with her every time you'd have a point. But she isn't keeping you from anyone you love. She does see you.

I wouldn't put a Mil's whims ahead of a precious weekend with my brother and sisters who live abroad. I would think she had her son which was lovely for her and as the entire event is not about her personal preferences but also about what brings joy to everyone else too, that was quite enough to be going on with.

Lol at you sense this is a bone of contention. You wish this was a bone of contention, you have not a scrap of evidence. It might be that your son is a better partner than you are mil who loves his wife and is able to set her free to be happy.

Just make it another day. For years we we hosted one set of parents on xmas day and the other we went to boxing day. this changed every year so everyone got their turn of xmas and also of hosting

Does she get pressurised by her DM?

If they are married yet she still doesn’t see her husband and his family as her family, that’s pretty odd.
Lol, no it isn’t. Some people see their in-laws as family and that’s fine. Some people see them as the unfortunate and unwanted free gift with purchase they got with their spouse, and that’s fine too. Neither view is odd and both views are only a problem when they come up against each other.

You also sound a bit condescending and self righteous which might be getting on her wick who knows.

This will all have to change if they have kids anyway. Then it will be about what's best for them and your preferences will be even less the focus.

What a lovely response: thank you. My mum died very suddenly at far too young an age. Christmas without her has never really been the same, but it's become so much brighter and happier since having DC. As for my Gran, she was such a wise, stoic, sensible Yorkshire lady who was a wonderful influence in my life.

Like you, my child's still little but I feel exactly the same way you do about it. I don't want anyone visiting me under duress or simply as a matter of duty, knowing that when they are around the table they'd rather be elsewhere. I don't want that for anyone's money: far rather they be happy and we'll always have good times (without awkwardness) when we do get together. I'm pretty resourceful and will always find something interesting to do! And it is, after all, just a day.

OP, you should never ever mention you're a MIL in Mumsnet , let alone in the AIBU section , as whatever you say will be wrong 😕

but mostly I just say he can go to hers so as not to split them up over Xmas

why do you feel you need to give him
permission?

you need to talk to him & treat him like an actual adult.

Don't be ridiculous. Lots of women on here are MIL's.

Don't be that person, OP. You can't expect anyone to go anywhere at Xmas or any other time of year. Do you have other times in the year the whole family gets together? A birthday or something similar?

Wow, there are some horrible replies OP, you sounds very sensitive in the way you are dealing with it. I think it is a bit out of order after 16 years, especially the year you got the house by the sea. But on the other hand Christmas is clearly a special time with her family. Try and learn to let it go, I’m sure your DS really appreciates you not making a fuss of it even if he doesn’t say so!

It's just dawned on me, the OP is actually "AIBU for wanting to control my DILs christmases the way I do my son's?"

I think your DIL clearly does not want to spend Christmas with you. Not in the slightest. She may love you to bits but she has communicated it very openly that she wants to spend Christmas Day elsewhere. It's a shame but you cannot force her to spend it with you, you have no right. Why would you want her to spend Christmas somewhere she doesn't want to be and with people she doesn't want to be with to please you? That won't make for a very positive atmosphere and I imagine it would negatively impact everyone's day. Just respect her wishes.

Dealing with what? That an adult who is in a relationship with her son gets to make her own decisions?

To me it sounds more like the OP has a considerate DS who feels he should come to her, but she says not to. Why are you reading so much in to her wording?