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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How should I react to BIL?

145 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 07/11/2022 10:06

My DSIS has been married to BIL for about 14 years. Sis is generally OK, but she has always been very aspirational - wanting the best things, very motivated by money, buys very expensive things etc. None of this is a problem as such - she works really hard for it, and has worked herself into a very successful position where she can indulge these things, so fair enough.

Part of her aspirations was that she always wanted a certain type of husband, which she got - public school boy, rich heritage, very posh etc. I've had my issues with him in the past - he's very opinionated, very entitled, patronising etc, but I have mostly learned to generally ignore this, and we have rubbed along OK.

Yesterday we had a family lunch, and he started off on a conversation about how their kids would be going to Public school, and that was the only way they would get a decent education, and give them all the contacts they would need to set them up in life, blah blah blah. I don't agree with this of course, but that's his opinion, and he's entitled to it.

However, he then went on to say that he wouldn't allow them to go to certain Universities, as they were too 'open' to people from state schools and (direct quote): "I don't want my children mixing with people from state school".

I was just wtaf?? Who actually says things like that? And to make matters worse, my state school attending DS was happily playing with his precious boys, and my state school educated DH was also present. We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming. So where do I go from here? I'm currently at the point where I don't want to be in his company again, or really have anything more to do with him. But how do I manage that with family situations going forward?

AIBU: you are overreacting and should just let it go for the sake of family harmony
AINBU: his attitude is horrible, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it, regardless of family

OP posts:
Jimmini · 07/11/2022 10:08

Just ignore him, you won’t change his mind because he’s a prick. If everyone goes silent and when he asks why is no one joining in the conversation just tell him it’s really boring.

he wants to be contentious, tell him he’s dull

BankyWollocks · 07/11/2022 10:08

I'd be openly laughing and taking the piss

IntrovertedPenguin · 07/11/2022 10:11

I'd of laughed at him. In front of everyone.

SpookyMcGhoul · 07/11/2022 10:11

Bit of a knobish thing to say, but opinions are like aresholes, we've all got them but some are shittier than others.

Next time I'd just gasp with faux concern - clutch your pearls, and gesture towards the children playing and say "oh gosh, shall we separate them now before the influence goes too far?"

Honestly your DSIS will have heard these views before I'm sure, if she's okay with it / maybe shares the view and isn't picking him up on it then I'd think the problem is with both of them!

antwacky · 07/11/2022 10:12

Just roll your eyes and laugh at the daft sod, that'll prick his pompous balloon.

poetryandwine · 07/11/2022 10:13

I would just laugh and say, ‘Well, I guess they win’t be seeing much of their cousins in the future, will they?’ if he brings this up again.

Hopefully he will not, because your DSis will have given him a well deserved dressing down as soon as they got home. In no case let him see you ruffled by these outrageous statements. Stay in control.

Viostep · 07/11/2022 10:15

People hate being laughed at. I would laugh and say something like, oh well you won't want to be seen with the likes of us will you. He would love an angry, offended response from you. If he realises you find him a joke and someone to laugh at, I bet he'd stop.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2022 10:16

Tbh I would probably put some distance between you all socialising as a family and be honest with sister - he looks down his nose at DH as someone inferior to him and he has made it clear he doesn't think the twins should socialise.

Usernamen · 07/11/2022 10:18

At my university there were a number of alumni who were also very big donors to the university, and they dictated that a particular halls of residence (the largest and in the best location on campus) be a minimum of 70% private school students.
I’m afraid your BIL’s attitude is not that uncommon. (But YANBU to be appalled by it.)

Mumoftwoinprimary · 07/11/2022 10:18

”Oh - like Cambridge”. 70% state at the moment and they are working hard to increase it.

GreenManalishi · 07/11/2022 10:19

I personally would find spending much time with him a bit of a chore, and I wouldn't really want my kids to be listening to that. It sounds like your sister got what she wanted and might have to deal with the flip side. Can you arrange to see your DS and the kids without him?

AryaStarkWolf · 07/11/2022 10:21

Agree with those PP who have said to laugh at/mock him, that'll shut him up quicker than anything else

As a side note why are Private Schools called Public Schools in the UK? I never understood that

ABJ100 · 07/11/2022 10:21

Well it's your sister who chose him, aligned herself with his type so you should feel the same towards her as well. Funny how you've painted her in such a positive light, but him the opposite?

boredOf · 07/11/2022 10:21

What did your sis say?

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 07/11/2022 10:23

My response would have been

"Well I guess that rules out Oxford and Cambridge then." As 70 percent of under graduates apparently came from state schools... (likely selective state but he didn't make that distinction).

What an idiot.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 07/11/2022 10:23

He is obviously only doing this for the shock value, and the only reaction is to laugh and change the subject, or say something like "Yes, it would be awful if little Horatio caught scabies from them" and then change the subject. Really, there is no point being po-faced with total arses like him because he's too thick-skinned to listen to any objections.

Quitelikeit · 07/11/2022 10:25

I agree with others you will never change him.

like Others have suggested you could make a joke of his comments

or you could simply ignore him and not give him any headspace

I am wondering what your sister thought about it

maddy68 · 07/11/2022 10:26

Another that would be open laughing at him make him feel silly he is an arse

HelenWick · 07/11/2022 10:26

I'd laugh and say "No Oxford or Cambridge then?" then laugh more. Then every now and again make eye contact, raise eye browns, grin and look away. He'll shut up pretty quick. Men like this most fear a middle aged woman laughing at them and love a good row so that they can out their idiotic shouty 'debating skills' in action.

itsgoodtobehome · 07/11/2022 10:36

To those that mentioned Oxford and Cambridge - those are exactly the 2 universities that he said he wouldn't allow his children to apply to. He feels that they positively discriminate against public school pupils. If they all turn out like him, then I can only see that as a good thing!!

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 07/11/2022 10:37

For all his public school education he isn’t smart enough to realise his children will always be related to your children.

the bell end married into the wrong family

itsgoodtobehome · 07/11/2022 10:38

I mean what kind of idiot would actively choose not to consider Oxbridge for their children on the basis that they would be mixing with too many state school people??

OP posts:
RachelBosenterfer · 07/11/2022 10:38

Was your sister privately educated?

Pinkdelight3 · 07/11/2022 10:39

I laugh and say those schools don't educate people very well if they come out thinking stupid shit like that.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 07/11/2022 10:40

Why bother getting upset over something so stupid OP? Just laugh at him

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