How should I react to BIL?

[itsgoodtobehome]

My DSIS has been married to BIL for about 14 years. Sis is generally OK, but she has always been very aspirational - wanting the best things, very motivated by money, buys very expensive things etc. None of this is a problem as such - she works really hard for it, and has worked herself into a very successful position where she can indulge these things, so fair enough.

Part of her aspirations was that she always wanted a certain type of husband, which she got - public school boy, rich heritage, very posh etc. I've had my issues with him in the past - he's very opinionated, very entitled, patronising etc, but I have mostly learned to generally ignore this, and we have rubbed along OK.

Yesterday we had a family lunch, and he started off on a conversation about how their kids would be going to Public school, and that was the only way they would get a decent education, and give them all the contacts they would need to set them up in life, blah blah blah. I don't agree with this of course, but that's his opinion, and he's entitled to it.

However, he then went on to say that he wouldn't allow them to go to certain Universities, as they were too 'open' to people from state schools and (direct quote): "I don't want my children mixing with people from state school".

I was just wtaf?? Who actually says things like that? And to make matters worse, my state school attending DS was happily playing with his precious boys, and my state school educated DH was also present. We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming. So where do I go from here? I'm currently at the point where I don't want to be in his company again, or really have anything more to do with him. But how do I manage that with family situations going forward?

AIBU: you are overreacting and should just let it go for the sake of family harmony
AINBU: his attitude is horrible, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it, regardless of family

Ignore. He’s going to be in for a rude awakening when he realizes children are free agents and do whatever the hell they want to do, “mix” with whomever they like.

It’s not worth your time to even acknowledge these stupid comments.

I would tell him that when it comes to Universities, his children will make their own choices based probably on what courses are offered raher than how many state school students attend. It seems very controlling to say he won't 'allow' his children to go to certain universities - if they've got any gumption they'll tell him to fuck off.

So is he ruling out all of the Russel group then? Which ones are suitable? What a prat.

The correct response is incredulous laughter, nothing else.

I voted YBU simply because if you do choose to address it with him, the cousins that happily play with each other will suffer as a result.

And those cousins will need the influence from the rest of you to keep them from turning out an utter knob like their awful dad.

My Dsis was married to an utter knob. Thankfully divorced now but he happily threw his kids into the crossfire when she had the audacity to leave him. It fucked them up. And that's the singular reason I'd fight the urge to rip his head off and shit down his neck and just be civil instead if I ever met him again.

I reported it about an hour ago and yet it's still there.

I beg to differ @DorotheaDiamond - although those schools are the ones mentioned in the Public Schools Act 1868, there are other schools that are referred to as "public schools". I wrote about public schools here rachelbosenterfer.substack.com/p/public-schoolboys-in-general-

This.

No one (except this knob, clearly) uses the term 'public schools' in the UK anymore - it's old fashioned and inaccurate as it only refers to a small number of schools.

Laugh at the man.

So, if his children fail to get into Durham, St Andrews, Royal Agricultural University, Edinburgh, Exeter and Imperial, UCL, LSE and Oxbridge, all of which have >30% privately educated students and which require excellent A levels grades what will his children do then?

I would just do the eye roll, laugh and say "Yeah, right" then change the subject.

I would laugh in his face and say "God, you really are vile snob, aren't you?"

If my DSis didn't like it, too bad. She shouldn't be letting her DH belittle her family like that.

This made me laugh. Taken from the Bristol Tab.

Interestingly point 7 resonates. At DD's university the only catered hlls were full of privately educated and ex boardig school students. They were called the "Rahs" by everyone else.

Haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me, I expect this has already been expressed.

But the elite universities are, more than ever, recruiting from the state sector for reasons of diversity ( OP, which, unfortunately, you Bil seems oblivious to). So telling ... that your bil lets his children mix with the riff raff, the hoi polloi when it suits him.

My own children all went to village school, local comp, one to Cambridge to read Chinese, other to Bristol, physics and third reading English at Sussex ( stealth boast, no?!).

Seriously though, I would bite my tongue for the sake of harmony.
He may change his views, he may not.
But he may always be your BIL.

Sometimes anger and resentment can lead to lifelong disharmony or estrangement.
I would not, however, desist from expressing your own point of view, but mildly. ( He has not desisted from expressing his, has he?)
You will always have the upper hand, morally, if you discuss it reasonably, let him get heated, if he wants to.

Good luck OP
I feel for you

I mean he’s entitled to his views however abhorrent or daft but it’s cringe makingly rude to speak like that when you know full well others are in that group. Like saying to a table full of accountants that you can’t stand accountants.

Absolutely this ^

It's not rocket science lovely. Say yes you will but she has to give you a couple of quid which will then cover the price of the 'snacks' ...win/win 😉

He has no problem spouting his opinions and is unconcerned if he causes offence so I’d offer him the same level of politeness. Take worrying about offending him out of the equation (as he obviously doesn’t give a rat’s ass what people think of him) and do what will make you happy. If keeping quiet and being polite makes you see the inside then challenge him on his views and tell him exactly what you think!

You could deliberately misundrstand, and sympathise with him having kids so thick they need him to buy advantages for them and cheat the system in order for them to survive. And how sad it is that they won't be able to go to the best university for their subject (if they go at all) because they will still need all that leverage he's bought them to hang on in there, so they'll be restricted to places where money can buy them advantages.

Ooops...wrong thread...got a bit carried away there 😂

I was at UCL, and the Hooray Henrys and Henriettas were known there as 'oxbridge rejects' by the normal majority, and were considered to be arseholes. (Not all privately educated students were Hooray Henrys or Henriettas of course, but I bet his sprogs will be).

I would simply ask how his children will cope in the real world after University where will have to mix with state educated oiks who might be their bosses or colleagues. Or I would just ignore and not bother to engage in the conversation.

Precisely this, just get the popcorn in for the day they announce ‘actually dad I’ve got a management apprenticeship with McDonald’s’.

What twins? Do you know OP?

Will his children not be allowed to choose their own uni when the time comes ?

Super!
BlueMongoose.
Perfect passive aggressive response.
I like it!

Anyone else getting flashes of is it Catherine Tate the comedian whose posh mummy character with her kids goes into paroxysms of horror and runs away screaming if she ever has to overlap with non privately educated oiks 😁