How should I react to BIL?

[itsgoodtobehome]

My DSIS has been married to BIL for about 14 years. Sis is generally OK, but she has always been very aspirational - wanting the best things, very motivated by money, buys very expensive things etc. None of this is a problem as such - she works really hard for it, and has worked herself into a very successful position where she can indulge these things, so fair enough.

Part of her aspirations was that she always wanted a certain type of husband, which she got - public school boy, rich heritage, very posh etc. I've had my issues with him in the past - he's very opinionated, very entitled, patronising etc, but I have mostly learned to generally ignore this, and we have rubbed along OK.

Yesterday we had a family lunch, and he started off on a conversation about how their kids would be going to Public school, and that was the only way they would get a decent education, and give them all the contacts they would need to set them up in life, blah blah blah. I don't agree with this of course, but that's his opinion, and he's entitled to it.

However, he then went on to say that he wouldn't allow them to go to certain Universities, as they were too 'open' to people from state schools and (direct quote): "I don't want my children mixing with people from state school".

I was just wtaf?? Who actually says things like that? And to make matters worse, my state school attending DS was happily playing with his precious boys, and my state school educated DH was also present. We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming. So where do I go from here? I'm currently at the point where I don't want to be in his company again, or really have anything more to do with him. But how do I manage that with family situations going forward?

AIBU: you are overreacting and should just let it go for the sake of family harmony
AINBU: his attitude is horrible, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it, regardless of family

You really have to call him on this bullshit in the moment. Don't just let it slide. Think about what his kids will grow up believing if he can air these views unchallenged.

How odd that he hasn't been endowed with the usual grace and manners of his class. I have never heard of anyone speaking like this about people from state schools as though they are a homogeneous group (especially as he doesn't seem to understand the difference between private, public and state schools, three different things, not two). I have often heard this in reverse, however.
What a bore he is.

I'd respond with, 'oh I completely agree with you dickhead. I don't want my son mixing with ignorant, entitled, emotionally repressed and socially challenged public school kids.'

IF he were to challenge my statement, I'd laugh and say I thought we were all just expressing an opinion. End scene, move on and act like nothings happened.

For what it's worth, I don't have that opinion of public school kids but he definitely fits that mould.

OP - I 100% understand where yo are coming from because we have this sort of thing with my extended family ALL the time. It has, unfortunately, been responsible for driving a wedge between us and our relationship is not the same. Not the specific comments themselves, but the overall mindset that leads to this sort of comment, over and over again.

I have challenged these ridiculous statements, from them AND from their friends. Nicely, but firmly. Because why should they get to have strong (offensive) opinions but I have to watch what I say?

We've also had the Oxbridge one (I like to point out that 7% of the population are privately educated but the number of Oxbridge places going to privately educated children is more like 30%. So if that number drops to, say, 20% sure, there will be fewer private school children there but they are still certainly not being discriminated against).

We've had complaints, that they have to pay for OUR children's education as well as their own due to taxes and private school fees. We've had surprise expressed when anything good happens at our school/to our children via school, eg "wow, I didn't realise at state schools they could put on such good school productions". Weird comments around sport being good at state school - eg "actually, the state school pupils at our rugby club are better than the private school" like they're offering a treat. And my personal favourite, "we had to move our child from state school because they don't instill any confidence in the children." This particular person genuinely was surprised when I pointed out that perhaps he just had a bad state school experience.

Sorry, I'm not hugely optimistic about your long term relationship with your sister and her DH.

What does your sister think of this? I can't imagine a situation where my sister would just stand there and allow her husband to insult my son. It just wouldn't happen. And I wouldn't stand by and allow my husband to insult our nephews either.

I’ve heard similar comments in a former workplace so it doesn’t surprise me. A PP beat me to the stat that only7% of people are privately educated so their kids will have a very small social circle. Poor kids.

Was BIL turned down by Oxbridge and he's never forgiven them maybe?

I would have picked him up on it at the time and ridiculed him.

A laugh and a 'Okaaaaay' usually suffices. You don't need to correct him or challenge him. But you can make it clear you think he has stupid opinions.

What exactly is the issue? Okay, you don’t agree. So what?

He sounds an utter delight. I would have gone with “ did you mean to be so rude?” and a Paddington hard stare.

he sounds a bit like a knob, but in some respects he's not wrong (although Oxbridge gives really good connections so he's missing a trick there)

In your shoes? I'd just tell him "yes yes, you've said all this. What's your point?" and if you don't mind a bit of a row you could add "are you trying to make some of us feel bad?" up to you

I'd probably just avoid him, minimum conversation and just get on with it.

Erm....has your BIL married a woman who went to a state school?
What an idiot he is. Ignore and ignore and ignore him.

He sounds quite thick

He’s an idiot and certainly not representative of anyone I know who went/has kids at Private school.

Also he’s onto a loser in our small city the teens from all the schools merrily mix. Both my dds out of school friendship groups are made up of state and privately educated teens.

My lovely friend had a knock on the door from the head of a local boarding school and a policeman as it turned out her dd was harbouring an unhappy escapee….

I can't vote because...

We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time

This does my head in on MN because it's posted time and time again. Not a single adult at the table said anything? Not one??

Not even a very mild "Oh don't be so ridiculous"?

YABU for that.

Don't be so bloody ableist.

@Viostep - I agree. I reckon just roll your eyes and laugh. He’s not gonna change his mind. I’ve dealt with sexist attitudes like this (my non English culture is quite sexist). I’m sure there are people he admires and likes that are from state schools. Maybe his kids will end up dating and marrying someone from state school.

Really?

🙄

Public schools are so called because they were open to the general public regardless of location, status, etc as opposed to private schools which existed to make a profit for their owners.

OP I went to public school and if he thinks he can find a university with no state school educated people he's shit out of luck. I think he's probably saying these things just to wind you up so personally I'd ignore him.

That's offensive @Ohyoucutie

OP - I'd keep a wide berth from him going forward. Your DSis must cringe at him.

And if he says something similar in the future, I'd just look at him, hold his gaze and simply say "wow" before moving your attention to someone else in the group.

Give him a copy of ‘Sad Little Men’ for Xmas!