How should I react to BIL?

[itsgoodtobehome]

My DSIS has been married to BIL for about 14 years. Sis is generally OK, but she has always been very aspirational - wanting the best things, very motivated by money, buys very expensive things etc. None of this is a problem as such - she works really hard for it, and has worked herself into a very successful position where she can indulge these things, so fair enough.

Part of her aspirations was that she always wanted a certain type of husband, which she got - public school boy, rich heritage, very posh etc. I've had my issues with him in the past - he's very opinionated, very entitled, patronising etc, but I have mostly learned to generally ignore this, and we have rubbed along OK.

Yesterday we had a family lunch, and he started off on a conversation about how their kids would be going to Public school, and that was the only way they would get a decent education, and give them all the contacts they would need to set them up in life, blah blah blah. I don't agree with this of course, but that's his opinion, and he's entitled to it.

However, he then went on to say that he wouldn't allow them to go to certain Universities, as they were too 'open' to people from state schools and (direct quote): "I don't want my children mixing with people from state school".

I was just wtaf?? Who actually says things like that? And to make matters worse, my state school attending DS was happily playing with his precious boys, and my state school educated DH was also present. We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming. So where do I go from here? I'm currently at the point where I don't want to be in his company again, or really have anything more to do with him. But how do I manage that with family situations going forward?

AIBU: you are overreacting and should just let it go for the sake of family harmony
AINBU: his attitude is horrible, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it, regardless of family

I went to a state school, comp not grammar and I know of at least 5 who went to Oxbridge and 4 not recent at all. The school also had someone who became a chief medical officer and also someone who became a chief pharmacist.

We have a lot of really good state schools here in NI I'm sure is the case with you. He's a pretentious snob and deserves to be laughed at tbh

YANBU for how you feel but I'm not sure this is worth a No Contact situation.

Why didn't you just put him in his place?

Just say - excuse me? And give the look. Followed up with, well clearly you wouldn't want to be associating with us then.

Embarrass him. It wouldn't be hard.

I wouldn't go no contact with a family member for that but I would call it out.

Yes, really.

Which universities does he think would be suitable? I mean, for all their work in this area Oxford is still one of the lowest. Every university is over 60% state intake unless he is talking about very specialist music and art colleges. And even they do let state school students in 😂

He's just trying to be provocative. Laugh at him and ask him where his children will study then. Maybe look at your DH and share a grin. Do not be provoked.

I would have laughed at him and made a point of saying "oh we'd better go then before they're tainted by the presence of DH and DS - wouldn't want them mixing would we?"

He's a knob.

Sorry, what's the eye roll for?

Well he’s an arsehole I can’t imagine taking it so personally I’d refuse to see him again and split the family up. As I can’t perceive I’d care enough about his opinion to do that. He’s a dick, challenge it when you hear it, not sit silently say nothing and then decide to end a relationship over it.

Disgusting thing to say. I've reported your comment.

He's just rying to fet attention, don't give it to him.

If there's a next time, make him repeat comment and say 'oh you mean like my kids then?'
Or nuclear option:
"I've always thought private schools are for people who cant parent properly. Aren't they full of abuse?" Flutter eyelashes innocently

I agree.

You had your chance, OP. Bit silly to be dwelling on it now.

Aw, didn't you understand that? How about "don't be such a cunt". Is that a bit easier on your comprehension skills?

Just ignore him, I dont mean ignore his comment and continue the conversation, I mean walk off or do something else to show that you do not agree or blank the comments and start a conversation with somone else in the group. I really dont think getting into an argument with him would be worth your time .

"Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives? Because if not, there's absolutely no point."

I knew a man at university who once told me that his education will have cost more than my parents house (definitely since my mum bought her house for 34k). I simply pointed out that my free education had gained me higher GCSE scores than his funded one so not exactly money well spent.

I was just wtaf?? Who actually says things like that? And to make matters worse, my state school attending DS was happily playing with his precious boys, and my state school educated DH was also present. We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming. So where do I go from here?

What a grade A wanker.

Thankfully you & DH are on the same page, & now you have got past the breathtaking shock, can tackle BiL by presenting a united front.
Next time - & there will be a next time, I suspect part of the driver for his latest stupid remark was boundary-testing what he can get away with in front of The Plebs - be ready with a rebuttal.
Personally "fuck off you pretentious tosspot" or "your money & privilege didn't buy you any manners did they?" would work for me, but you might feel that's a truth bomb too far for future family harmony ...

So you might do better to laugh at him.
You & DH could agree a patter along the lines of "bingo! I knew I'd win with that one, you owe me a glass of wine" or "he's hilarious when he's doing his Rees-Mogg act isn't he" or "it constantly amazes us how you prostrated yourself to marry into our family, are you not scared your DC's cousins will lower their tone?"
Whatever you say, it's not that important, what's important is that you & DH genuinely laugh AT your BiL. Show him you think he's a joke.

It will take a lot of his power away, you will feel better, AND - if you & DH work in tandem & show genuine amusement, you will have out-Dominance Displayed the jerk. He says this shit because he thinks you will all take it. Because he reckons he's up there with the Bullingdon Club bullies, & can lord it over you.
Don't get mad - get amused.
At his expense - every time.

I have a BIL and a SIL like this. We don't mix and see each other on Christmas Day and to be honest, the jokes on them. Let it go, he isn't worth your energy. Keep the peace for one day and when my parents are no longer here I'll never need to see either of them again.

What a twat. I'd pity him before I'd be mad at him. We come to this earth with nothing and we leave with nothing. To attach so much importance / value on money is obscene IMO

Oh DO make sure to innocently ask him this OP. 😂
In full earshot of your whole family.

Schools such as Eton and Harrow used to be (hundreds of years ago) religious schools. Eventually they allowed rich people to send their sons there and pay for the privilege, so they were described as 'public' because they had been opened up to the public. Essentially, public and private school is now the same thing but only knobs call them public schools. Not to be confused with public schools in the USA which are state funded.

Is this your BIL?

Thanks for that. State funded schools here in Ireland would be Public Schools too and Private Schools are fee paying. Our schools originally would have been all religious ethos (mainly Catholic) but still state schools

I would have spat my lunch out laughing. Bigoted small minded twat

Not quite true - public schools are the ones regulated by the Public Schools act 1868 - they are

Charterhouse School
Eton College
Harrow School
Rugby School
Shrewsbury School
Westminster School
Winchester College

And apparently City of London Boys was added later.

All Public schools are private but not all private schools are public (this whole sentence sounds like gibberish - very English).

Most are boys only (Westminster takes girls in the 6th form).

Your BIL is a twat of the highest order mind you (I do know plenty of lovely public school alumni - it's him not his background) - although I'd probably play along with him to find out which universities he's thinking of...then pull out their state stats and any notable state educated alumni.

I'd have to challenge it. First politely - 'Steve you do realise half the people you are talking to right now were state educated?' see if he's got the sense to shut up.

If not I'd have to take the piss as possible. 'DH shall we pay for dinner tonight or shall we do another runner?' 'ah yeah these are from aldi, half off because I saw someone wipe it on their arse just before I bought it' 'DS go play with your cousins, maybe you can try to set fire to sometbing' etc.

@DorotheaDiamond very interesting and thanks for the clarification