How should I react to BIL?

[itsgoodtobehome]

My DSIS has been married to BIL for about 14 years. Sis is generally OK, but she has always been very aspirational - wanting the best things, very motivated by money, buys very expensive things etc. None of this is a problem as such - she works really hard for it, and has worked herself into a very successful position where she can indulge these things, so fair enough.

Part of her aspirations was that she always wanted a certain type of husband, which she got - public school boy, rich heritage, very posh etc. I've had my issues with him in the past - he's very opinionated, very entitled, patronising etc, but I have mostly learned to generally ignore this, and we have rubbed along OK.

Yesterday we had a family lunch, and he started off on a conversation about how their kids would be going to Public school, and that was the only way they would get a decent education, and give them all the contacts they would need to set them up in life, blah blah blah. I don't agree with this of course, but that's his opinion, and he's entitled to it.

However, he then went on to say that he wouldn't allow them to go to certain Universities, as they were too 'open' to people from state schools and (direct quote): "I don't want my children mixing with people from state school".

I was just wtaf?? Who actually says things like that? And to make matters worse, my state school attending DS was happily playing with his precious boys, and my state school educated DH was also present. We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming. So where do I go from here? I'm currently at the point where I don't want to be in his company again, or really have anything more to do with him. But how do I manage that with family situations going forward?

AIBU: you are overreacting and should just let it go for the sake of family harmony
AINBU: his attitude is horrible, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it, regardless of family

What your BIL said was rude and goady but in the opening description of your 'ok' sister YOU were opinionated, judgemental and rude. I wonder how your sister and BIL would have reacted had you said out aloud she was aspirational, motivated by money and only wants expensive things and that her choice of husband was a mere prop for her aspirational life.

You call your BIL patronising, opinionated and entitled and happily state that you mostly ignore him. How very noble of you. What makes your snobbery more valid that his? Face it, you are the other side of the coin and have no reason to be outraged. Do as a few posters said up thread - laugh at his ridiculous comments, go back to ignoring him or pull him up at the time.

I am reminded of a Julie Burchill story. She was at a dinner party with 80s fashion designer Katherine Hamnett. Katherine Hamnett said 'I think that the poor young are so much better than the rich young'. And Julie Burchill replied 'That's because they can't afford your clothes'

I’d ask where they’ll stand with their children mixing with state educated family members. Where do they draw the line?

We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming.

I often see statements like this on MN when a family member/friend/colleague makes an outrageous statement. I simply don't understand why you didn't respond in the moment, OP.

Same

And I also don't understand why taking to Mumsnet seems to be a viable alternative.

Then again, the OP didn't bother coming back anyway so how bothered is she even?

I proper laughed at a wedding where an old (state) school friend was telling me she couldn't possibly imagine not sending her darling only child to private school because Lord alone knows how that would damage him. I reminded her she's an extremely (usually) bright woman, with an impressive job, runs marathon and is (usually) likeable, gets on well with her family - financially independent and solvent. Lord alone knows why she'd not trust her son to do as well as her! I suspect the child's father has done a number on her (previously) rational brain.

You won't change him and i suspect he's the kind of opinionated arsehole who absolutely loves being challenged and "debating" a controversial opinion for the attention. I'd try to ignore him, see less of him if possible and vent to friends/family/mumsnet whenever you need to.

Is your BIL Boris Johnson?

Next time he says something like that, throw your head back and let out your loudest most anarchic laugh. When he asks you what you are laughing about, answer enigmatically, 'If you can't see it, then there's no point explaining it to you.'

Maybe then he'll stop to think and work out that he's a twat.

Because in the days when they were first set up, schools were religion based and only open to children of that religion. The upper class educated their children at home with tutors and governesses.

Then along came Eton, the first school to call itself "Public", and they accepted any pupil so long as the parent/guardian could afford to pay their fees. (heehee Royal Family, Jacob Rees-Mogg et al - common as muck you are!)

State, or Comprehensive, schools are funded by the government and a more recent innovation as it's not that long ago that a poor kid would be climbing chimneys to sweep them rather than expecting an education.

Hope that helps.😎

I'd not spend time with them again and just say that he said he doesn't want to be around people from state school so your DH and DH are clearly seen as lesser than.

He sounds like a right twat, why would someone go looking for a man like that?!

Say nothing and just smile to yourself whilst thinking of nice but dim Tim off Harry Enfield.

I'd roll my eyes up, mumble something like 'dear oh dear..anyway' and move onto another topic
Another one is 'time to speak to a therapist - you seem to be carrying a lot of childhood trauma'..

Being somone who was privately educated, and went on to a very 'exclusive' university I'd call this guy a complete and utter prat. My best friends are from State schools, as in my life long friends. I do not mix with the riff raff from public school because they were selfish, idiotic and had zero life skills. Now when I look up most of them, they've either succeeded in "daddy's " firm or haven't really made a name for themslves or have gone to prison . The only ones who haven't done any of that are the ones who went to private school on scholarships or were just down to earth...

Ask him why he married into a state school family.
Say you hope it's not as embarrassing for him as it is for you.

I would avoid socialising with them. Next family lunch say you can't go and when someone asks why explain that it will make your BIL uncomfortable having his children socialise with their cousins and uncle and you don't want to make him uncomfortable.
Then they can take it up with him.

How to react…

laughter and ridicule.

When the are next children playing together, and if he’s brought the subject up, ask if he’s ok with them playing together because of…..

Sounds a a bit of an arse who’s dug himself into a bit of a hole.

Having plans, ambitions, education and career paths mapped out for your children rarely come to fruition and generally end up in tears and upset.

As a former teacher I’m not sure who were the worst parents to meet at parents’ evening…

Those pushy and snobby ones like your BIL
those who had taught their child(usually a son) to fight
or those who thought their child walked on water and had an illuminated trouser seat!

Ah just laugh up your sleeve and wait it out, OP. Little Cosima will probably fall in love with a goat herder on her gap year and Milo may marry a drug addict with three kids. Your BIL is mad if he thinks schooling will automatically control these things.

This harks back to when either children were taught at home or in a school (that had to be paid for). The school was open to the (wealthy) public.

It doesn't say she or her sister were state educated.

He didn't, op and her sister and clearly privately educated too. It's hardly his fault who op married 🙄

I’d honestly just laugh at him. He sounds like bloody Draco Malloy 😂 Is your sister privately educated…if not…does he know she’s a Mudblood?