How should I react to BIL?

[itsgoodtobehome]

My DSIS has been married to BIL for about 14 years. Sis is generally OK, but she has always been very aspirational - wanting the best things, very motivated by money, buys very expensive things etc. None of this is a problem as such - she works really hard for it, and has worked herself into a very successful position where she can indulge these things, so fair enough.

Part of her aspirations was that she always wanted a certain type of husband, which she got - public school boy, rich heritage, very posh etc. I've had my issues with him in the past - he's very opinionated, very entitled, patronising etc, but I have mostly learned to generally ignore this, and we have rubbed along OK.

Yesterday we had a family lunch, and he started off on a conversation about how their kids would be going to Public school, and that was the only way they would get a decent education, and give them all the contacts they would need to set them up in life, blah blah blah. I don't agree with this of course, but that's his opinion, and he's entitled to it.

However, he then went on to say that he wouldn't allow them to go to certain Universities, as they were too 'open' to people from state schools and (direct quote): "I don't want my children mixing with people from state school".

I was just wtaf?? Who actually says things like that? And to make matters worse, my state school attending DS was happily playing with his precious boys, and my state school educated DH was also present. We were all a bit too shocked to say anything at the time, but as I have been reflecting on it, I am actually fuming. So where do I go from here? I'm currently at the point where I don't want to be in his company again, or really have anything more to do with him. But how do I manage that with family situations going forward?

AIBU: you are overreacting and should just let it go for the sake of family harmony
AINBU: his attitude is horrible, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it, regardless of family

More to the point, has he ever met a17/18 year old? He does understand that it's not like choosing a nursery or primary school, right? He might be shocked to find that his 18 year old kids have their own opinions about which universities they want to apply for!

“I get what you mean BIL, I certainly don’t want my kids socialising with those kids whose parents are pompous arseholes”

I knew a girl who went to private school miles away from home so her local friends (ie my friendship group) had to be “interviewed” by her mother to make sure we were suitable enough for her precious DD. Funnily enough after she had a fortune spent on her school education and went to one of the best uni’s in the country, she ended up running a bar as she dropped out of her uni course. Nothing wrong with that of course but I would have loved to have been a fly on her mum’s wall when she dropped out

Dds proper super bright friend is flatly refusing to even apply for science at Cambridge as she wants to go to Nottingham where the nightlife is better. Cambridge educated mum is tearing her hair out!

Ask him how Oxbridge discriminate against public school students when their intake is about 30% private-and about 7% of kids are privately educated. Maybe maths isn’t his strong point😁

I would have immediately pulled him up on it and pointed out that your son and DH are state school educated and watch him squirm. He needs to know how insulting it is to say these things. I can't believe his attitude. I'm actually the opposite to him. I wouldn't send my children to private school because I WANT them to mix with people from all backgrounds and classes. I really can't get my head round someone only wanting their child to associate with privileged people. Why?!

I’d just ignore it for your sister’s sake.

He knows how to press your buttons and you let him. Please don't be arsey about his DCs' prospects. That means you're taking it out on your DSIS' DCs for no reason.
I'm surprised people get so upset about rubbish like this. If one of my ILs said something like that I'd laugh and say 'oh I'd better get your coat because we went to state school' or 'it's so funny to see attitudes like that in the wild' or 'how disappointing for you that you ended up with us as ILs when you could have had someone like Boris (liar/cheat/sacked from every job he's had)'.
You need to work out why it bothers you. The world is full of people who talk rubbish.

Did your sister go to state school? I'd definitely be bringing that up if she did!
"Oh, so what age should they be before dsis moves out and leaves you to raise dc by yourself? Is it OK for primary? Is it just when they reach university age she won't be allowed around them?"

Even if it does nothing for him it would hopefully draw home to your dsis just what a massive prick he is.

I work with a lot of these types, I think he was probably on the wind up. I'd agree with him then see what other bonkers things you can get him to agree to. Make it a game within the family to see who can get him to say the most stupid thing:

'Oh yes, and that's why you should always go first class as well, poor people are unclean, might catch something on the plane'.
'Agree, when are your boys taking up polo, the only suitable sport?'
'Of course, and only Austria for skiing OBVS !'

Why consider the sister's sake?
She's condoning her H's arseholery.

I'd love to know what uni he is thinking of sending his kids to, with no state school pupils? But I know quite a few friends ,with privately educated little darlings, who are most upset that their kids are not getting into the top uni's, and most think that they are being discriminated against.

This. Laugh at him dismissively. "Gosh, that's quite a way to think". He sounds unbelievably insecure, despite all the wealth. Or just thick.

Please tell me which universities are deemed worthy?

It's your sister I'd be worried about in this situation! Married to someone who thinks her family isn't good enough!

Ignore ignore ignore! He’s not worth wasting your thoughts on. If your sister can’t see what a prick he is that’s on her.

it’s not unreasonable that he’s grating on your nerves but don’t stoop to his level. Windbag!

Right! Thanks for that explanation 👍
The whole public / private thing has bugged me for years!

Op I think have a few jokey replies up your sleeve for next time.
Private schoolies are weird people. And it never leaves them.
I had one tell me 'x state school no longer has any council estate kids in it' whoopee doo. BTW his own kids went to state school.

It's not really anything to do with you or how you 'react' to him.

He's your sister's husband. Her decision to marry him. Let her deal with it.

Just avoid him if he upsets you so much.

I'm genuinely interested in where he WOULD send them. Are there universities out there that are majority private/public school intake then? And if so are they well thought-of?

Why didn't you just say something like 'You do realise my state-educated children are sitting right there and that your own wife was state-educated?'

Exeter? St Andrew’s?

Durham

I didn’t vote, you are of course not being unreadable. He is thick as two planks. However, I wouldn’t bother saying anything, he is likely doing it to cause a reaction. Just laugh and roll your eyes.

Haha, that's so Bristol.

When he was saying this I would have openly looked at your sister and husband and sniggered. Everyone would have realised he sounded like a bellend, even your sister. Don’t let him ruin your family meet ups, but maybe next time speak up and say ‘Jesus Giles! It’s a wonder you even let us common state school folk set foot in the door’. Think you need to start taking the piss a bit and bringing him down a peg or two. As it goes, I kind of agree with him about private school, if I could afford it I would definitely send my children. But the university thing is BS.

My BIL is like this!!! sUCH a superiority complex! I have fun with it. At the end of the day I know my poor sister has to go home with this snobbish, stupid, ignorant and small minded bellend. Once a month I believe she also has to have marital relations with him. Knowing all this, and wanting to give her a break because I like her, I tolerate him and pacify/divert the conversation with lots of hmmmmsss and reallys???? Once in a while a give my true opinion which he obviously finds hard to take. I keep hoping it will give him something to think about as I think hes genuinely fond of me but mostly he just blunders on. Just smile and be nice. You can think whatever you like in the privacy of your own head. Like Hyacinth Bucket said, its so iritating when people think they are superior! Annoys those of us who really are! :)