To tell DH I hate his new look?

[topazyouth]

Name changed for this because I feel like a bitch (and also in case anyone recognised the description!)

DH has recently decided to sort of grow his hair out and grow a long straggly beard. He's fair so his beard is red. I've attached a Google image to illustrate the sort of look he's going for although he does not look like this... he's the 'nailed it' version

I hate it. I don't find him attractive at the moment and now go out of my way to avoid sex because it actually turns me off. I am embarrassed to be seen out with him- as is DD1 who is 15. For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat).

WIBU to tell him how much I hate it? I love him to pieces and if it were a disfigurement he had no control over I would feel differently but he's choosing to look like this. I have told him I think it looks silly before- as have his mates - but he doesn't seem to care...

Why are people comparing it to shaving your legs? If I grew a fucking beard and let my hair grow out wild and grey cat-lady style, my husband wouldn't want to be seen out with me....why would he?

What's with this ridiculous notion that we have to find a partner attractive no matter what? That's just not how it works....

Sorry but I PMSL at your picture. 😂😂😂 Just tell him you don't find him attractive looking like that.

I love him to pieces

Doesn't sound like it.

How would you feel if he turned around and said he didn't like how looked?

I disagree with the advice not to tell him he's unattractive.
This is not about his face or body, its an easily addressed issue and its entirely within his power to return to looking attractive (to the OP) if he wishes.
He is if course entitled not to, if that look is more important to him than his wife finding him attractive. But he can't have both.
He should know this and make his choice with full knowledge of the facts.
And I'd say the same if it was a man posting about a woman's new look. People cannot help what turns them off sexually.

Exactly. It is strangely fascinating.

You can preferences, but he has bodily autonomy, and, in any case, if you find him embarrassing, then you should probably leave and let him find someone who doesn't feel that way about him.

If he were to criticise your look would you also acquiesce or would he be too controlling? Maybe he likes his new look, if it's criticised too much he may dig in his heels rather than be bullied into change, left alone he'll probably get bored with it!

Surely you should be able to talk to your husband about anything. Tell him how you feel.

I grew my hair longer and my husband told me he preferred it short, I suspect he wa simply used to it but I went back to shorter hair, easier to manage. OH often looks like Wesley Pegden or Compo on last of the summer wine. Scruffy boiler suits or old gardening clothes. I get him to change before we go out.

It's not controlling to talk to each other about how you feel. It might be if you forced him to change but surely he'll take your feelings into account.

This. But threads like this always go one way... Switch it round? Completely different story.

Leave him op. He deserves better

No, exact same story. Why do people keep insisting it's not?

But you can’t always control how you feel about something and what makes someone attractive to you, or gives you the ‘ick’.

I hate beards. When I first started dating they weren’t fashionable like they have been in recent years. As a kid, all the bearded people I was aware of were scary and creepy: my heavy breathing, odd ball dentist, the ‘funny man’ (paedo) in the next village, known figures like Peter Sutcliffe… they were all terrifying to me.

And as a young woman I was sexually assaulted by a big bearded fella. Over 30 years later I still feel fear and discomfort when anyone with a beard gets into my space. I adore my DH and still fancy him very much, but no way could I shag him if he had a beard!

Hasn't he asked you what you think of his new look? Plenty of opportunity at that moment to point out what you'd prefer. What you've said so far doesn't sound kind or loving at all though, so don't say any of those things. Say helpful things.

Nailed it version 😂

He can still grow it out with regular trims and tidy. Perhaps encourage a trip to barbers to neaten up

It's not just hair though is it. It's a middleaged man with a dad bod trying to grown a beard which is somehow strangely cominbed with a Veronica Lake pekabo hairstyle. No self respecting Viking could have got a longboat launched with that limited field of vision. My husband knows if he ever grows a moustache or a beard or,eaven help us, a soul patch our marriage is in real jeopardy. I mean would anybody be happy if their husband grew a Hitler-style moustache? I bet you wouldn't be saying it was just hair and it was his right to do what he liked with his appearance.

Honestly, if my husband did something silly with his appearance, I’d just tell him he looked silly. We’ve both had looks the other person finds more or less attractive, some have lasted a while and some haven’t. It’s not something I can imagine contemplating ending a marriage over. It seems so silly!

And people will be along to say how important it is to be attracted to your partner. Yes, but it’s not the most important thing and how puddle deep must one’s attraction to one’s spouse be that it vanishes because of a stupid new look? So, you genuinely love and adore a person, but you can no longer stand being married to them because they’ve had scruffy facial hair and a dodgy undercut for a few months? Is that genuinely what marriage amounts to for some people? That’s really very depressing.

There's a difference between not finding someone's hairstyle attractive and being embarrassed to be seen with them in public though, surely?

If my DH told me he was embarrassed to be seen with me because I hadn't shaved my legs or had a "crazy hairstyle" and therefore he wouldn't take me to a works dinner, I would be so, so hurt.

Why is this any difference? OP doesn't have to find beards attractive but saying she's embarrassed of her husband because of it is pretty hurtful really.

I mean would anybody be happy if their husband grew a Hitler-style moustache? I bet you wouldn't be saying it was just hair and it was his right to do what he liked with his appearance.

What a ridiculous comparison to try and make 🙄

I like the guy’s look in the first photo! I love a good beard and tattoos. DH started growing his beard a few years back, and I think it looks great. Although a good beard needs looking after .. washing, combing, trimming and beard oil.

DH didn’t have a beard when I met him, and when he’s mentioned shaving it off, I have told him I prefer him with it. Ultimately, it’s up to him, but I’d also appreciate it if he told me I looked better with or without an aspect of my appearance (something I had control over). In fact, I once wanted to dye my hair pink, and DH told me he didn’t think it’d suit me .. I decided not to do it, but DH would have respected my decision if I did.

I think it’s harsh that a spouse would consider leaving their partner because of their appearance. I think respectful conversations need to be had if feelings about it are that strong. Honesty is the best policy!

Yes to all of this.rhis isn't about the poor man's look it's about the state of your relationship that's it's about the poor man's look!

Not ridiculous. Everyone is waffling on about how its his face, he can look how he wants, OP should not have an opinion. Hitler tash or nasty catweasle beard...its all the same shit.

This. I agree 110% with every word.

Of course it's ridiculous.

Or do you really not think there's a difference between a slightly straggly beard and a moustache that's linked to the person responsible for the holocaust?

The only thing I mention to my husband about his appearance is when his eyebrows start growing out of control and the ‘old man hairs’ sprout 3 inches longer than the rest and when he’s about to walk out of the house looking like a creepy PE teacher.

he’s been told I expect him to return the favor when I miss a goat hair on my chin and I’ve forgotten to put real shoes on before going out.

Other than that…he’s a grown up and gets to decide how he looks and dresses.

Because I've seen it time and time again. So you obviously haven't been here long.

And what a surprise you are disagreeing me me..

Thanks for all your comments.

I'm waiting for him to come downstairs so I can tell him I hate it tonight. I won't be having sex with him while the look is ongoing. It's not controlling, I'm genuinely turned off by it and I'm not prepared to force myself to sleep with someone I don't find sexually attractive.

FWIW he - like most men- would be mortified if I rocked up at a black tie event with hairy legs/pits, sharpie eyebrows and messy hair so I don't think it's fair to suggest a man would be unreasonable to say the same.