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Original poster

To tell DH I hate his new look?

256 replies

topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:25

Name changed for this because I feel like a bitch (and also in case anyone recognised the description!)

DH has recently decided to sort of grow his hair out and grow a long straggly beard. He's fair so his beard is red. I've attached a Google image to illustrate the sort of look he's going for although he does not look like this... he's the 'nailed it' versionHmm

I hate it. I don't find him attractive at the moment and now go out of my way to avoid sex because it actually turns me off. I am embarrassed to be seen out with him- as is DD1 who is 15. For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat).

WIBU to tell him how much I hate it? I love him to pieces and if it were a disfigurement he had no control over I would feel differently but he's choosing to look like this. I have told him I think it looks silly before- as have his mates - but he doesn't seem to care...

To tell DH I hate his new look?
OP posts:
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MrsSkylerWhite · 07/11/2022 10:08

The lobsterquadrille

Lots of women do drastically change their hairstyles though. Long hair to pixie cuts, for example, or that style to have half your head shaved (I forget what it's called).

The posts may get tiring but they're true - a man who posted the equivalent would get absolutely slaughtered for being shallow and not letting his wife have her hair however she chooses”

this.
I’m biased, though. My husband’s been bearded since I met him nearly 35 years ago. Would hate him to shave it off 😁.

mauvish · 07/11/2022 10:09

But it does not go with the body of an office worker any more than Donald Trump would look good in a tankini.

Boak---

now I need some mind bleach -

HoppingPavlova · 07/11/2022 10:12

It’s likely a mid-life crisis and will blow over. I had a few mid-life colleagues get Justin Beiber hair cuts back in the day. Hilarious. I had one colleague get ‘trendy’ piercings. They move on once their crisis is done.

My own DH got the shaved sides faux mohawk look at one point in his 50’s🤣. I was just happy it was that rather than an expensive sports car and a girlfriend half his age. No way was I saying anything about the silly hair apart from ‘oh, you got a haircut, well done then’. He moved out of this back to a normal person at some point.

Buteverythingsfine · 07/11/2022 10:12

My husband was so honest he told me I had a moustache! I hadn't noticed that over about 35, my chin and lip hair was becoming so luxurious. He didn't say it in a negative way though and didn't tell me what to do about it, just a comment that it was there. I get rid of it now if I can be bothered, which is not all the time, and that's that.

MonkeypuzzleClimber · 07/11/2022 10:12

I feel your ick. My husband grew lockdown hair. Ok during lockdown, though I cut everyone else’s hair ok, but eventually it really had to go as I really couldn’t stand it. He’s a bit receding and has a big spam anyway. He looked like Warf or Shakespeare, but with less good hair. I waited over a year until a couple of months after he’d visited to the hairdresser to get his man-bob it trimmed, turning it from amusing lockdown hair into an established hairstyle which actually
made it worse. I picked my words, and said I thought he looked really great with his hair short, though I did point out the similarities to Warf and Shakespeare when pressed (both of whom he’s fond of, but probably don’t want to look like). He was very slightly put out but he got it cut. I told him how handsome he looked. Everyone happy apart from our daughters as they couldn’t give him bunches and plats anymore…

To tell DH I hate his new look?
To tell DH I hate his new look?
Covetthee · 07/11/2022 10:13

eurgh OP i feel you. My husband went through a similar phase with the beard! It was honestly not a good look, I tried my best to voice it nicely and would tell him I liked his beard before he tried to go all viking.

at the time he liked it and thought he looked great, it took a lot of products and upkeep to maintain the shit look, luckily i got pregnant and his beard products made me nauseas so he had to chop it off as he couldnt maintain it.

he now looks back at pictures and laughs at how ridiculous he looks.

you can’t help it if you find the look unattractive, everyone finds different thing’s physically attractive. Just speak to him and tell him the truth (as nicely as possible)

JedEye · 07/11/2022 10:14

If you’re thinking you’ll leave him over it anyway, you may as well be brutal and tell him how much you hate his new homeless look.

DeanStockwooooo · 07/11/2022 10:23

ladydimitrescu · 07/11/2022 06:40

It won't look right until he gets to the right length, it doesn't happen overnight when you're changing your look.
Please don't tell him he's unattractive - that will stick with him for a very long time. It's his choice ultimately, you don't have the right to make him a certain way so you fancy him.
If a man wrote this, every reply would be beyond vicious.

I agree with this , while @topazyouth may not like the look nobody gets to decide how someone else cuts their hair / beard / clothes they wear etc.
A man posting that his wife now looks like a homeless drug user and may separate because of a new look would rightly so get absolutely slated .

@topazyouth I do feel for you , new looks can take a while to look right snd for you to get use too please don't be cruel to him .

astarsheis · 07/11/2022 10:36

I'm with you on this one. Whatever people say about appearance, if you don't find him attractive anymore sex is difficult.
My DH only has to wear the wrong type of shoes and he gets told 😆

mam0918 · 07/11/2022 10:42

Its his body and his choice and frankly you DON'T love him that much if this is such a big deal that you have stopped intimacy and started looking at other men.

This is just pure shallowness.

How many threads do we see of woman saying they put on a few pounds or got a tattoo or changed hair style and the DH said they 'arent attractive' anymore to a chorus of 'how dare he, leave the bastard'

wheresmyshoe · 07/11/2022 10:47

This thread is not exactly what I needed to find, thank you, I've been crying laughing at catweazle/Beale.

A friend went for the Viking look, it only works as his beard is treated like a pampered pet. He takes it to the specialist groomer every two weeks, has shelves of products for it and strokes it lovingly. It's a seriously high maintenance look/hobby.

KillingLoneliness · 07/11/2022 10:53

My husband has a viking look but he can pull it off well 😋 some men don’t have the right type of hair but no one could say if it does or doesn’t suit your DH as we don’t know what he looks like, does it need tidying up as a barbers? Do you think that would help or do you just dislike the look itself even on someone it suits?
It’s really difficult as you can’t tell someone what to do with their body, I wouldn’t want my DH to say I couldn’t do something but at the same time I do value his opinion and he is the same, we always ask one another for advise if we fancy a change.

kateandme · 07/11/2022 10:56

Imagine if a bloke was looking at other woman after his wife had a hair cut.
and want to leave.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 07/11/2022 11:02

I'd just leave him to crack on with it and try subtle comments.

Croque · 07/11/2022 11:03

My OH grew a lockdown beard but it definitely improved him and I think he looks absolutely gorgeous. However, he does a professional job which involves wearing other props so he cannot (and will not) go that far.

That said, one of his colleagues always has had the CGI look ( like the Anonymous mask) and it has not harmed his career at all. I think the fact that he is small and skinny means that he gets away with it.

Badger1970 · 07/11/2022 11:04

DH has been balding for a few years, and thought that the long "combover" look hid it ... it didn't. He's also got very thin lanky hair and it honestly looked awful. I tried to tactfully mention it a few times, as honestly it made me cringe.

Thankfully, lockdown was my saviour and he got a buzzcut when I used the dog clippers on him Grin.... he didn't speak to me for a day but then admitted that actually it did look better than before and I now clip it once a month for him (we bought proper clippers, I'd add).

We are both quite vocal about things we don't like about each other, I thought that was normal tbh.

thelobsterquadrille · 07/11/2022 11:09

itsnotdeep · 07/11/2022 10:07

I'm always baffled on threads like these - male or female - where the husband or wife is just told that they are selfish, shallow bastards if they don't suck it up. (whether it's a beard, weight gain, tattoos or whatever).

Unfortunately attraction IS a big part of a relationship and a lot of this is physical. So while it is his body, and the OP in this case has to respect his choices, she does't have to find it attractive and she doesn't have to stay in the marriage.

She doesn't have to find it attractive but equally she doesn't need to be unpleasant and suggest she's too embarrassed to take him to work dos as a result.

Arayes · 07/11/2022 11:09

richieric · 07/11/2022 07:13

There's another post above this saying she told her husband she didn't like his new look so he changed it back. Imagine the absolute uproar of a man came on here and said the same about his wife!

Show quote history

Why would there be an uproar?

Everyone can choose how they look. Everyone can choose what they want to look at, and what they find attractive. If one partner changes their look to something the other partner can't stand to look at and finds unattractive, there are going to be consequences with that. We don't have to lie and pretend that we're ok with it.

If you change how you look and your partner loathes it, you can either keep the look and lose the partner, or keep the partner and lose the look. Your choice. I would change the look. It doesn't depend on your sex, men and women both have the same choices.

RishisProudMum · 07/11/2022 11:12

thelobsterquadrille · 07/11/2022 08:03

These threads fascinate me.

If a woman came on here and said "my husband won't have sex with me because I've decided to stop shaving my legs/waxing my eyebrows" there would be uproar. Even more so if she went on to say how he was embarrassed to be with her and wouldn't take her to work events until she shaved or went to get her eyebrows done.

Imagine a man telling a woman she had to "put a paper bag over her head" before he'd have sex with her (as per PP). He'd be called an abusive, controlling wanker.

Yet the other way round, and it's totally okay to say those things about your husband, it's okay to refer to him as a "homeless Ian Beale" and say you'd rather leave him than get used to the beard 🤔

Agree with all of this.

RishisProudMum · 07/11/2022 11:14

It seems mad to me that you’re saying things like For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat) and talking about leaving him…because you don’t like his current hair/beard combo.

How empty and vapid does an adult relationship have to be, with how shaky a foundation, for you to be contemplating ending it over something so silly?

JaneJeffer · 07/11/2022 11:15

He's entitled to look how he likes and you are entitled to not fancy him when he looks how he likes.

burgundyblues · 07/11/2022 11:20

Sparklfairy · 07/11/2022 06:45

Does he look like Catweazle? Because that's what I'm picturing Grin

at the end of the day, it's his face, his choice. But choices have consequences and I'm afraid I wouldn't be attracted to Catweazle, ever.

My God, I laughed and laughed.

UrslaB · 07/11/2022 11:23

It's a relationship, based at least in part on open communication and mutual attraction surely?...I would actually expect honesty from my partner and would hope you could be hoenst with your husband ..in as gentle a manner as possible.

I shaved the sides of my head a couple of years ago. My partner hated it and she said so immediately. She didn't mind how it looked but she hated the texture when she touched my head when we kissed or were intimate. I was glad she told me that it was a turn off for her. I grew it back out and despite liking the shorter styles for how they feel to me, I purposefully don't consider them now because she doesn't like them and I care about her comfort and our intimacy.

Same when I went through my 'rogue phase' in my mid 20s. I grew my hair out long, bleached two stripes at the front and wore fingerless gloves everywhere. I loved my look and thought I looked very counter culture...my partner told me quite plainly after a few weeks that she thought I looked like a homeless person with a bad dye job and she was embarrassed to be seen out with me. The gloves disappeared and I got rid of the streaks.

Similarly, my partner dyed her lovely brunette hair blonde once and I immediately told her I hated it. It made her look cheap and I have a preference for darker hair colours anyway. When the roots started to show she dyed it a darker colour and has never gone near blonde since.

I sort of expect brutal honesty in a relationship and would be upset if my partner didn't tell me if they thought I looked odd or my look was making them uncomfortable. Open communication is key.

Naunet · 07/11/2022 11:24

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/11/2022 10:08

The lobsterquadrille

Lots of women do drastically change their hairstyles though. Long hair to pixie cuts, for example, or that style to have half your head shaved (I forget what it's called).

The posts may get tiring but they're true - a man who posted the equivalent would get absolutely slaughtered for being shallow and not letting his wife have her hair however she chooses”

this.
I’m biased, though. My husband’s been bearded since I met him nearly 35 years ago. Would hate him to shave it off 😁.

Sure, because most men have no opinion on if women should shave their legs for example. If only we could all be as amazing as they are. 🥺

FlorettaB · 07/11/2022 11:26

It’s not like baldness or putting on weight because it’s a look that’s a positive choice and it could be fixed in five minutes. I’d compare it to really awful makeup - orange foundation and badly drawn angry birds eyebrows. Would you want to go to a work do with a partner looking like this?