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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

1000 replies

Flowerpicker1 · 06/11/2022 20:21

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 06/11/2022 21:47

I loved being a SAHM. But I was never much interested in my career. Excellent pay but got in the way of being a mum. I found my DC very interesting though.

Beanbagtrap · 06/11/2022 21:47

I prefer to work for a number of reasons but number one is not being financially dependent on dh. As much as it's going well at the moment, I've seen enough of Mumsnet to realise that being able to 'get out' easily is always a good thing.

Topgub · 06/11/2022 21:49

Ttbhappy · 06/11/2022 21:02

Stay at home as you never get that time back with them at that age. Plenty of time for work once they go to school if you want.

How does your kids dad feel about the time with his kids he won't get back?

mrssunshinexxx · 06/11/2022 21:49

I'm a SAHM and wouldn't change it although I think it's one of the hardest 'jobs' in the world. But it's for such a short time until they go to school and I'd hate for someone else to look after them, we go to classes or playgroups every day they are thriving and I love it 90% of the time. My husband works away mon to Fri and has his own business so it's hard with no help but will be worth it when I look back

Ilovechocolatetoomuch · 06/11/2022 21:50

I’ve done both. I really loved being a Sahm, you just don’t get the time back. I would choose spending time with my kids over money if there was a choice.

Topgub · 06/11/2022 21:50

Being a sahp never even occurred to either of us as an option.

I dont know anyone who would voluntarily not work.

Seems crazy to me.

Notplayingball · 06/11/2022 21:53

"I dont know anyone who would voluntarily not work."

Really easy decision if your health is f*cked and you have kids with additional needs.

Topgub · 06/11/2022 21:55

@CoastalWave

What a load of shite

Dacadactyl · 06/11/2022 21:55

Topgub · 06/11/2022 21:50

Being a sahp never even occurred to either of us as an option.

I dont know anyone who would voluntarily not work.

Seems crazy to me.

Being a SAHM is a job though. It IS work.

Topgub · 06/11/2022 21:56

@Notplayingball

Sometimes.

Sometimes not.

I know a fair few people with both, they still work

Riverlee · 06/11/2022 21:56

I knew I always wanted to be a sahm when the dc were small.

Topgub · 06/11/2022 21:57

@Dacadactyl

Of course its not a job otherwise working parents have 2 jobs.

It's work. How hard it is will vary from person to person.

Meadowland · 06/11/2022 21:57

Going back to work saved my sanity.
Much as I adored my dc, I felt myself sinking into depression without another outlet.
My dc benefitted from a much happier mum too !

Devoutspoken · 06/11/2022 21:57

Topgub, what's crazy about not working? It has many benefits

slowquickstep · 06/11/2022 21:57

Being really old and having Grandchildren now i can look back and see what was really important in life and work was not really that important. Yes i made a lot of money, yes it was fulfilling but it was not the be all and end all. The whole "I work to be a good role model" is nonsense, your children want you. A parent that gives up a few years to look after you is a very positive role model. There will plenty of time once they go to school for you to show them that you can work too,
so why not let them be the centre of your world for a few short years ?
Your children' childhood is very short and very precious and you will never get those days again. There really is no amount of money that can buy those days and those memories.

MiniTheMinx · 06/11/2022 21:59

Notplayingball · 06/11/2022 21:22

I agree with you Tbthappy, they can earn their own money as teens by getting a part time job if they want designer gear. Handouts won't teach them anything...they get what they need from parents. What they want, they can buy themselves.

Yep totally.

I'm amazed by the number of women saying "time to be me" or "time for myself" and "was a break" I've never known an employer pay good wages for people to take a break being authentically themselves whilst finding themselves in some quasi spiritual way.

I preferred looking after my own children on my terms, in my own way, setting my own goals, managing my own time and had a clear value based remit for how I wanted to parent based on what I hoped to achieve. Children need consistency from a constant care giver, clear boundaries and expectations, safety and love. They require someone to love them unconditionalally who can help them make sense of the emotions, form attachments which are healthy and sustained not variable and inconsistent, fleeting or superficial.

I studied, set up a business and home schooled. I was certainly never bored. I'm more than capable of finding things to do without being managed.

I now work with LAC. So many children have been failed. I don't want to get into a bun fight but trust me it's not only DC from poor socioeconomic backgrounds that are finding themselves on care orders. This ideology that parenting is a mugs game and boring, and that only through selling your labour can you be realised as a full equal and valuable member of society is false. We are not and should not aspire to be only valued for what job title we have, how much we earn.

So many threads floating around MN with parents begging to be alleviated of their burden to parent their teenagers. So many seem to believe that it's everyone other than them to be responsible for their own children.

People think Bowlby and others are out dated shite whilst still rattling on about "ooh but what attachment style do you have" to every post in relationships!

Someone, virtually anyone could be trained to shovel profits for boss. Its not really difficult, as stated in the "it's a break" comments. Parenting is difficult, it's hard. But it's not about selfishly following the path of least effort for maximum reward, having a chat or gossip at the photo copier, seeking the validation of others, or hoping that through work you'll reach nirvana and find ones true authentic valuable self, no it's about putting the needs of others before your own. And so many people are unable to do this now. And it shows. Angry people, mentally ill kids, road rage, lack of empathy, lack of any sense of personal responsibility.

oh, and I want back 13 years later, work less and earn more....... I didn't miss much.

Notplayingball · 06/11/2022 21:59

Devoutspoken · 06/11/2022 21:57

Topgub, what's crazy about not working? It has many benefits

I agree. I get respite when mine are all in school!

Topgub · 06/11/2022 22:00

slowquickstep · 06/11/2022 21:57

Being really old and having Grandchildren now i can look back and see what was really important in life and work was not really that important. Yes i made a lot of money, yes it was fulfilling but it was not the be all and end all. The whole "I work to be a good role model" is nonsense, your children want you. A parent that gives up a few years to look after you is a very positive role model. There will plenty of time once they go to school for you to show them that you can work too,
so why not let them be the centre of your world for a few short years ?
Your children' childhood is very short and very precious and you will never get those days again. There really is no amount of money that can buy those days and those memories.

Do you apply this sage advise to men too?

Flowerpicker1 · 06/11/2022 22:00

@slowquickstep needed to hear this. I haven't made my decision yet but this puts things into perspective. Thank you for sharing

OP posts:
Topgub · 06/11/2022 22:00

@Devoutspoken

I cant think of any

🤷‍♀️

StopThe · 06/11/2022 22:01

Make sure you think about the future financially. Pensions in particular.

My DH shat on me and I went along with it because I thought that's how marriage should work by having all the money and pensions in his name. He thinks it's all his now. I'm skint and he's fine.

Topgub · 06/11/2022 22:01

Flowerpicker1 · 06/11/2022 22:00

@slowquickstep needed to hear this. I haven't made my decision yet but this puts things into perspective. Thank you for sharing

Will it put it into perspective for your oh?

Or will he be expected to keep working and have to have regrets on his death bed?

drkpl · 06/11/2022 22:01

I was a SAHM for the first 16 months, worked-part time (24 hrs) for 2 years, now 40 hrs. I’m a bit more stressed now, and definitely would have been more stressed if I’d gone back when he was younger- tbh there isn’t much difference between the stress of working part-time vs full-time in my experience. There’s not much difference in my happiness though. I was less stressed as a SAHM, but also less happy.

pinkpotatoez · 06/11/2022 22:02

Personally, I wouldn't. Leaves you very vulnerable, I'd find it boring, isn't great on CV.

blueshoes · 06/11/2022 22:02

Twizbe · 06/11/2022 21:35

I love being a SAHM. I didn't return after maternity leave 2. Oldest did go to preschool from 2.5 so I did have time with just one and that helped.

Now my kids are in school / preschool and I love it even more. So much stress has gone from our lives.

BUT if you're going to do it you need to have a very open conversation with your partner first. My tips are;

  1. Be married. Never be a SAHM without it.
  2. Set up a pension bee or similar. Merge all existing pensions and get your husband to keep contributing a bit to yours
  3. Have a savings account in your name with some money in it
  4. Have a current account in your name with at least a few months expenses in it. If your DH dies you'll need instant access to money or if you need to leave you have it
  5. Agree working hours and who does what. Just because you're at home doesn't mean he gets to abdicate from parenting or adulting

Very sensible advice.

OP, it sounds like you are tending towards staying at home. That is fine just make sure you follow the above. It is for you and your dcs' protection.

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