Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

Iv also found great deal of comfort on working and knowing that if dh disappeared tomorrow, I'd be ok

I think because I've been on 2 back to back maternity leaves (I got pregnant 1 month after returning to work during covid and it was wfh) I have completely lost my confidence and feel out of touch. I'm almost institutionalised by the house and the babies 😅

My son hates nursery when dc2 was born and constantly sick so we pulled him out. I'm nervous about leaving him and him hating it again. I'm also still breastfeeding.

I'd like to return to work as I have nothing of my own and no personal time but I feel so overwhelmed by the disruption to my hard yet already formulated routine. Anyone relate?

We could afford for me to be a SAHM, but I like working. I do 3 days and it's the perfect balance for me. I really love my job though, so maybe I'd feel differently if I was doing something I didn't care about.

I totally understand where you’re coming from OP. I developed severe anxiety and depression after my second and remember feeling so overwhelmed at the thought of returning to work. I felt I had a nice routine and repeating that each day kept me feeling in control and secure. FWIW overall I’m glad I returned to work. I have definitely developed imposter syndrome and have serious self doubts about my ability but I am ploughing on.

My son hates nursery when dc2 was born and constantly sick so we pulled him out.

Maybe try a childminder? It might suit him better.

Also still feeding my toddler. He has coped fine with nursery.

Never regretted a second of being a SAHP. Of course we pay into a private pension as well as topping up my state pension shortfall as necessary.
I am lucky that a few other parents locally, reached the same decision and so I have never felt isolated. I am also lucky enough to have two interesting volunteer roles, not that I ever feel the frustration with the SAH role that some (most?) do on here.
Thankfully I don't recognise a partner, as often discussed on here, who didn't see that my role was saving both of us a fortune so we have equal access to any income/assets.

Giving up your financial independence willingly is madness. But each to their own.

I could be a SAHM and choose not to be. I love my DS but after 6 months maternity (I took a year) I was really keen to go back to work. Neither choice is wrong though, it’s a very personal decision.

I'd only want to be a sahp if I cld afford the nursery too for a break 😂

I've only worked 3 days since having kids but I always felt 2 wld be lovely rather than 3. Not many employers wld allow that though but maybe that cld work better for you if possible.

I really enjoyed being there for my kids. They're adults now and tell me they loved having a parent at home and not being left in after-school club or at a childminder's. However it is important to get some PT work, even if it's just a few hours a week, to keep your CV relevant. I did the SAHM thing, then ran a successful small business for ten years. I'm in my 50s now and seemingly unemployable because I don't have recent references. You will want to return to work one day. Keep all options open.

I always thought I would work but when it came to it I didn't for various reasons. No regrets though and it wasn't too hard to get a good role after time out. I'm glad I was at home when the kids were little and it made life a lot more simple than trying to juggle everything.

Only you know what's right for you and your family.

I didn't need to return to work but did so pt when DC were four and five months each time. The equivalent of my salary was wiped out each month for two years with nursery fees.
20 years on and it's the single best decision I ever made. I maintained my skills, sanity and the power balance in our relationship and my pension now looks great.
Don't feel I missed out on anything.

I’d rather work PT, but if you wouldn’t, make plans to return PT when your youngest gets free nursery hours at 3. SAHP is fine IMO when there are pre schoolers and a job to do.

Although this is a v strong point

I've been a SAHM for the past 4 years and love it. I started going back to work a day a week a few months ago but it hasn't really worked out for my family so I've decided to continue to be a SAHM until my youngest starts school next year.
I have loved being at home full time to raise my kids and am so glad that I had the opportunity to do so. I do look forward to going back to work but for now I'm just enjoying my babies.

I stayed at home and didn't regret a second of it. But its a very personal thing. It can be exhausting but it was the best experience for us and i wouldn't have changed it for anything.

I think it also depends on what your time will look like, if you are thinking it will be spending time alone at home all day just the 3 of you, it might feel more isolating.
Our experience was very different, we were often out and about, i met some great people to mix with if we wanted and really enjoyed it on our relaxing days at home
I kept up with training etc
I saw my friends all the time.
Some say they would struggle to keep their partner engaged with them without talk of work, we never spoke about our careers anyway, so nothing changed there.

You need to get it clear what it looks like between you and your DH.
How you divy up your finances and your having access to money,
how you split time for yourselves,
how you split chores

Is your DH hands on now and does his fair share ??
My DH would take our DS as soon as he finished work and take over with him.

But equally, if you feel it would be a struggle you can go back to work and see how you feel. You could go back and it just feels like the perfect balance for you.

None of the options are permanent, if you try one and dont like it, look to change it.

The best thing is to do what makes you happy? Happy mum more chance of happy baby.

Right now with economy the way it is i wouldn't leave a paying job for love nor money.

@Flowerpicker1 - yes, I think most people could relate to that. The way you phrase it, it sounds like it might be a better idea to at least give returning to work 3-days a week a go. It would be a shame to choose to be a SAHM because you have lost confidence and feel overwhelmed rather than because you see it as a genuinely positive thing.

Other than the above, are you in an industry where a few years out would be disastrous, or do you think you could get back into it a few years down the line? Did you enjoy your career before you had children, or would you have preferred to start again in another industry? Sometimes a few years out as a SAHM can be both enjoyable and give you the chance to rethink past choices, enabling you to prepare for and start out later on in a career you prefer with new energy and enthusiasm. Sometimes it can be several years of gradually losing confidence in your abilities and employability and thinking you will only ever be employable from now on in low paid, uninteresting roles.

I went back to work f/t at 10 months. It was fairly horrible with the nursery illnesses and stressing about getting home in time for bedtime (I worked long hours before having a baby). I did that for 7 months before giving up because we were moving and I was pregnant again (therefore hard to get another job). Being a full time SAHM is really really hard work and I reckon part time is the way to go if feasible!!
Anyway, what I really came on here to say is that, whenever these threads come up, is that I'm always amazed at the amount of people who love their jobs and are so eager to be at work. I bloody hated mine, so boring. I'll have to go back after the next baby, but I'm hoping for some divine inspiration about a bit of a career change. I'd been doing the same boring shite for years - even if it paid OK, I'd had enough and my priorities had changed.

This. You have a family. Think long term.

I'm a sahm and love it. I have my own stash of savings and do things like sell online so money isn't an issue. It's just for my own sanity otherwise id panick about what my kids were doing etc etc

Does it have to be all or nothing op?

If you said sahm would you be able to get back in? Could you work two days?

Ideally personally I think wait longer then go back 3 day's is very good balance all around.

What kind of parents do you want to be?Two "hands on" parents, or one with a "big job" and the other doing all the domestic tasks?

And how would you feel about being supported financially, and not earning your own money? Some are fine with that, others struggle

Been a SAHM for almost 16 years and love it😊