Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

This post sounds very bitter towards SAHMs. Not very feminist of you

I don't know why one person's choices rile another person so much. If being a SAHM works for you and your family, and you can afford it, then be a SAHM (I was). If it doesn't work for any reason, don't do it. If you want to work p/t and your job allows it, then work p/t. If you don't have any choice, you don't have any choice. It's not an existential issue, and there's not really any argument to be had about it.

Not sure what my comment has to do with feminism

Or why I would be bitter.

My comment was the exact same as @Squirrelcentric but from a different angle.

Are they bitter too?

Exactly @Slapmyslapmyass each to their own. There is no right answer. I don't mind what choices anyone makes and I don't give a flying f**k what they think of mine @Topgub

@Squirrelcentric love your last post and I feel the same. I'm grateful we're in a position where I can stay at home and look after them. Otherwise it would have been too hard on me mentally.

Oh me either. I'm 100% confident we made the right and best choice. @Squirrelcentric

Fucking phone keeps skipping all over the place!

@Squirrelcentric has nothing to do with this because she hasn't claimed to be the staunch feminist that you've claimed to be. You say you're debating this issue because you're passionate about feminism and equality for women but making bitter, nasty comments towards SAHMs. Obviously not the feminist you claim to be.

@MollieMarie

My comments aren't bitter or nasty

Even if they were I'm still not sure what that has to do with.feminsm

And you have nothing to do with my comment to @Squirrelcentric which was exactly the same as hers

Is it ok to be 'nasty and bitter' if you're not a feminist?

I was on a similar thread on MN 20 years ago, and the arguments haven't changed even if the personnel has. Just do what is best for you and your family. It isn't a feminist or anti-feminist statement. On the whole, we're all just trying to do the best we can do for our children, within our means. Most children will turn out ok in the end, whatever decisions their parents make when they're very young, just because these same parents are interested and aware and consciously try to do the best for and by them. No parent is perfect, whether they work or don't work, or work p/t. It's not worth getting your knickers in a twist about the details.

Squirrelcentric didn't target anyone specifically in her post. YOU assumed it was about you. If the shoe fits, eh?

@MollieMarie

No I didn't presume or care if it about me

My post wasn't the same as your post @Topgub. I was saying I don't understand why there is so much aggression and nastiness just because some people make different choices from others. That's all. Deciding what is best for one's own family situation doesn't have to be aligned with some big ideology. It's just do what's best to suit your circumstances. Full stop. A choice can be best for a specific set of circumstances but NO choice is best across the board.

@Squirrelcentric

Except that's not what you said. You went for the old they must be rattled and unsure dig

Same as I did.

How grim can you actually get?

I haven’t read the full thread but there’s some interesting points being raised!

I’m a full time working mum and I’m genuinely interested to know (without causing offence to anyone) how SAHM’s deal with the financials. Dual income families are very much the norm these days so I’ve often wondered how SAHM’s have their financial independence?

I would constantly have my DH asking why I spent this and that!

I like to know if I want the new shoes, handbag or latest iPhone that it’s not coming out of a pot of money ring fenced for the family and I can buy guilt-free as I have went out and contributed financially.

I value SAMH’s and all they do for their family. But if it was me I would feel trapped financially and completely reliant on someone else to put food on the table.

Money in joint accounts? Obviously!

Yiu can't be a SAHM if you have a husband who is financially weird.

@Topgub except I was making a general comment about general hostility on the thread that wasn't directed at any one group or individual and you were specifically directing your comments at SAHMs. I just wonder why it is all so emotive and judgemental, if someone is secure in their own choice. Personally, I couldn't get that worked up about it. It's just all the anger that is striking. Women have enough to deal with without other women attacking them because they have made different childcare choices. It's pathetic.

Obviously 🙄 ! I know where the money is. But what is truly yours and yours only?

Yes you did. You assumed you were one of the aggressive, rattled posters she was talking about, so you responded with a nasty, underhand attack on SAHMs as a whole. Spiteful.

When we were both working our wages went into a joint account where all our bills got paid from, savings went into other accounts, money for food and groceries into another one and whatever was left got split into our sole accounts.

It's pretty much the same now except it's just DH's wages going in and being redistributed.
We have a joint instant access savings account so if I want to buy anything over say £1000 it would come from there, same with DH. Anything less would be from my sole account. Neither of us question each other's purchases unless we think there's a mistake.

Joint account, no personal accounts. Joint savings, separate pensions. I have always done the admin and banking. I know exactly what is spent where and why. Husband is a very generous reasonable man. I make most day to day decisions which he is fine with. Neither of us really have an issue with the other spending money on themselves. DH has often tried to encourage me to make hair appointments, go to the gym, buy clothes etc,...All of the phone contracts are in my name and its for a set amount, all get up graded at the same time x4. Car is in my name but its bought outright, and he wouldn't quibble if I wanted to change it. I might be in the minority, but DH is not pulling the "its my money" card. He never used to save money, whereas I am careful with money.

Oh I see what you mean. We wouldn't have separate accounts or separate money even if I was working, so in that sense, it makes no difference..We don't question each other's spending habits. There are no secrets. It's a non-issue. Neither if us are particularly materialistic. I like clothes. He likes bikes. Most other spending is for the kids or mutual stuff. It's not an issue at all.

Lol.

So did you

🤣

Where? 😂