Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

I’d go back to work. For so many reasons!

Based on this update you should absolutely not SAH. There are lots of good reasons why it is a valid choice for many women but you don’t have any here.

It’s a very personal choice!

I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but going back to work is a much needed break. I’m a much better mum on the days I’m with her! I thought I’d love being a sahm… 6 months into maternity and I knew it wasn’t for me.

that doesn’t mean it isn’t for you, only you can really tell. If it’s something you want to do though then make sure you’re protected (pension) and go for it!

Keep working pt. This puts you in an infinitely better financial position for their later years. The big differentiator between dcs who can afford to own a property and those who cannot are parents who are able to contribute to a house deposit. This is an incredible gift by a parent to a child, more so that being there at messy play or school picks ups, which let's face it, is probably more for the parent than the child.

Stay at home as you never get that time back with them at that age. Plenty of time for work once they go to school if you want.

I would never ever be a SAHM. Part time working flexibly so I can be around plenty, sure. But actually give up that financial independence, pension, career progress, space to be just me - no way ever.
And that you are feeling anxious because you've not been to work for ages, suggests it would be a really bad thing to stay that way. I recognise that feeling and for me SAH would exacerbate it.
But I'm me, you're you, so that might not apply.

@Notplayingball how old are your kids?

I always worked part time and enjoyed it, it was also good for me. However, if you fancy being a stay at home mother, why not? It doesn't have to be forever. When your youngest is at school you can look around for another job (or before that if you get fed up). While you are at home, make sure you stay up to date with things, find some interesting things to do beside home and mothering.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I did for a few years and it was the best thing ever. I hated my career anyway and when I went back to work I began my own business basically contracting/ freelancing in my area and there was a lot of work around - my career is so much better than it ever was before. Please ignore scaremongering that you'll never get a job again!

Also I don't agree with the going to work so your kids will respect you. What kind of insane capitalist work ethic are these babies being born with if they only respect you if you work?! Kids just want a happy mummy who loves them, work or no work.

I say go for it because if you feel like it was the wrong decision you can always go back to work - it'd essentially just be like you too extended mat leave. But you can't get the time back if you regret going back to work too quick (given that you have the choice of both options - obviously lots of women have to go back quickly and I'd never look at that negatively).

If the OP can easily go back that would be fine

many women find it nearly impossible to enter the workforce at the same level or even in the same role after extended time out

15, 12, 7 and 5.

Not for me, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my career for the sake of a few years when they are under school age. Personal choice though

I do love being with my kids so much even though its hard. I try and get out of the house everyday with them and do play groups 4 times a week. National trusts, soft play etc when dh is home.

My job I didn't enjoy tbh. Office based. Not much career progression. Overworked. Big staff turn around. I would be going for the money and social outlet. But the job itself would still be stressful and unfulfilling but I did enjoy the break when wfh before but I guess I knew it was short term as I was pregnant again

Re: your DC1 hating nursery - I have been fortunate to have a wonderful childminder and am a big advocate but with two under two you should price up the cost of a PT nanny. It may not be that much more than two under-2s nursery places.

I have a 2 year old DD who is in nursery. I work. I don’t have to. I’d rather work.

If you dont enjoy your job, but enjoy being with your kids, id definitely give up the job. Theyre only small once.

My dc1 was 2 when I put him in first time. Anyone found their dc was far more receptive to nursery at 3 when they can communicate more? Tbh this would probably influence my decision making massively too. Hate the thought of leaving him somewhere when he could just stay with me if you see what I mean

Since having DS, I returned to work full time. It was quite a stressful role. I was then a stay at home parent for 7 months. Now I'm part time and this is by far, the best situation for me. I have a wage, it's decent and enough to manage, a good work/life balance and I can give DS my all without feeling burnt out.
If they've already given you the option then, personally, I'd return and give it a few months to adjust. It may feel like you're paying to watch the beginning, with nursery fees, but think of how it will work once they're in ft education. If you struggle, don't enjoy it etc then leave.
I don't think there's any right or wrong, it's what works for each individual or family.
Best of luck whatever you choose.

Also I don't agree with the going to work so your kids will respect you. What kind of insane capitalist work ethic are these babies being born with if they only respect you if you work?! Kids just want a happy mummy who loves them, work or no work.

My dcs are now teenagers. My son does not want me to retire so I can go on paying for stuff. Believe me, they start to compare when they get older. It is not just happy mummy at that age, not that it ever was. Mummy's love is taken for granted.

Avoidance makes anxiety worse.

The more you try and run from all the things making you nervous and uncomfortable, the more insurmountable they will become.

Lost confidence is exactly why you should go back.

(Separately, when you say DH could "cover you" costs wise does that include paying into your pension?)

Absolutely love being there for my kids. Doctors appointments, school performances, sports days, drop off, pick up etc etc.

I do work, but only p/t evenings. However, it's not my 'career' - I definitely sacrificed that to have children.

No one is ever writing on their grave - "wish I had been more senior at work"

Life is short. Actually find it incredibly sad the number of women who feel the need to prove themselves at work once they have kids. I do wonder why some people even bother having them given they just hand over their care to other people. Barely see them. What's the actual point?!

I think being there for you children in the earlier years is better as they benefit more emotionally as the first 5 years is really important. Money isn't always key to happiness in later years they can feel a sense of pride by earning their way to buy things rather than parent handouts.

I would say 3 should be more receptive than 2. Depends on the child, though. He’s more likely to enjoy playing with other children rather than alongside them now he’s a bit older - ie making friends.

Go back to work. See how it goes

Consider doing 4 days and DH do 4 days

I have 2 under 2 and won’t be going back to work (technically still on mat leave with my last). If I could never work a day in my life then I wouldn’t. My days are filled with taking the kids to Children’s centres for baby/toddler groups and going to the gym. My kids will go to nursery at some point but currently there’s no rush. I’ll probably go to work part time once the kids are in school.

Do what works for you. Some people love going back to work and some people love staying at home with the kids. Working part time seems like a nice compromise as it’s a bit of both worlds