Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

Hi op I'd go back to work. My friend didn't even make the nursery fees back. Her child is 11 and she now has a team, and earns about 60k. Realise that doesn't happen to everyone but society simply doesn't protect sahp if you split (no-one thinks they will remember) and family income is generally based on two incomes these days. It's not fair but sahp are classed as secondary citizens these days.

I say this as a childless woman if that means anything

Do you truly think that this judgemental post is helpful to the OP?

I was a SAHM for 5 years, only because we couldn't afford the childcare costs. I loved it and even took up childminding to help pay the bills, and really enjoyed that. When my son was 2 I was desperate to return to work so I started up a into cleaning business and it went from strength to strength. It also meant I could work around the kids so a bit of both worlds.

I have to say though, that despite enjoying being a SAHM, it is by no means easy. There's literally no escape and some days you don't see or speak to another adult. If you have the option to do a days work here and there then I'd say thats a better option.

I work three days and it's perfect IMO. More time off than in, plenty of time with DC but also I enjoy my time at work doing stuff for myself and having something that's just for me and that's another facet of life.

I agree with you Tbthappy, they can earn their own money as teens by getting a part time job if they want designer gear. Handouts won't teach them anything...they get what they need from parents. What they want, they can buy themselves.

Also I work afternoons/evenings and my work is flexible so between DH and I we can always cover appointments, events and wraparound care once DC are at school.

@CoastalWave The last 2 paras are unnecessary and detract from your otherwise perfectly fine choice. They are cringey cliches and only showcase your lack of imagination.

I had 2 under 2 and chose to be a SAHM, that was the right decision for me. I booked my DC into nursery for a couple of short sessions a week and joined a gym with a crèche so I had some time on my own . I enjoyed not having to worry about school holidays or cover if my DC were ill. Weekends were spent doing fun family stuff as I got all chores done during the week.
I was fortunate to have a high paying DH so absolutely no money worries.

But it's OK for people to judge those of us who see staying at home to raise our children as more important than working?

No, it’s not. Where did I say it was?

Blue shoes I totally agree on deposit etc but I definitely question the value you have put at it being more for the parent?

That's simply not true.

We are animals at the end of the day and babies need their mother.
Any baby is going to be (usually) better off in its loving mothers arm's than the arms of a poorly paid bored ( some time) usually over worked nursery workers trying to get around several screaming Babies!!

Infact on another thread today Someone posted the link to what looked like an interesting book on parent attachments and how it helps DC to develop.

We have to be extremely careful that we are sleep walking into a situation where it's the norm to put very small Babies into nursery.

It should only be in extreme circumstances and part time, with obvious caveats in place where there is no choice.

I think a part time role, keeping ones hand in is a perfect solution but I would do that' after a while until it's easier to see how they actually are .

No one is ever writing on their grave - "wish I had been more senior at work"

Precisely how many people do you know who have written on their own grave?

I'm almost institutionalised by the house and the babies

I felt a bit like this before I went back to work after DD1. I'd lost a lot of confidence in myself from not working for a while (I took quite a chunk off with her) and it felt almost like I was an imposter going back to work. But I absolutely loved it and should have done it earlier as it gave me a part of myself back.

Thank you @Ttbhappy and @CoastalWave for your responses

I think what you have said is weighing on my decision making too. I too, despite it being tough, am of the opinion that if you've had kids and can look after them then shouldn't you.

My dh desperately wants my dc1 in nursery as thinks we are holding him back by keeping him home. I am of the camp that being there constantly for him is an emotional investment.

I guess we are all just muddling our way through. I just really want to do what's best for them with the time I have available. I don't have a career just a job if that makes sense so in a way it is easier to sacrifice

I had 2 under 2 and I absolutely dreaded looking after both of my kids simultaneously for a full day (my partner does a lot of shifts where he's gone from 7.30am until 9.30pm)... it just felt relentless and like fire fighting all day. If I had them for a normal 9-5 it was nicer, but still really tough. A lot depends on the nature of your children, your home circumstances, your partner's shift patterns, your work situation etc. I'm now back at work 32 hours a week, and it feels really nice to have that protected time.

You can apply for a job if you decide to stay home and you change your mind or you and your partner split. You can go back then leave work if you decide it's going to suit your family. Whatever you choose just has to suit your family. Stay home parents are not second class citizens, anyone who treats you like that is pretty disrespectful and massively out of touch if they can't respect someone's choice to do what is best for their family

I loved being a sahm, I have worked most of my life so really enjoyed being at home with the kids

@CatSeany hard relate. My partner does shift work too. I'm on day 2 of a 10 day stint with 1 day off. We get 1 hr in the morning then it's on me the rest of day

I disagree that early years is more beneficial than later years. Any reasonably competent carer can look after a young child. It is when they are early teens and later that only a parent can help with friendship issues, exams, subject/school/career choices, mental health, learning difficulties etc. It gets more tricky emotionally in the later years and not something any one can wipe tears away with skinned knees. If you had to choose one period to be with dcs, I'd choose the later years.

I would of course disagree about the house deposit. Everything else they can earn themselves but the leg up from a house deposit is not something an average wage worker can do within 5-10 years in this current climate of ultra high property prices unless they are high earners.

God no, personally I would hate it, as much as I absolutely adore my DS. I think I'd be bored silly. I work 3 days a week (soon to be 4 when I start a new job) and think I have a good balance.

I love being a SAHM. I didn't return after maternity leave 2. Oldest did go to preschool from 2.5 so I did have time with just one and that helped.

Now my kids are in school / preschool and I love it even more. So much stress has gone from our lives.

BUT if you're going to do it you need to have a very open conversation with your partner first. My tips are;

1. Be married. Never be a SAHM without it.
2. Set up a pension bee or similar. Merge all existing pensions and get your husband to keep contributing a bit to yours
3. Have a savings account in your name with some money in it
4. Have a current account in your name with at least a few months expenses in it. If your DH dies you'll need instant access to money or if you need to leave you have it
5. Agree working hours and who does what. Just because you're at home doesn't mean he gets to abdicate from parenting or adulting

@Puddywoodycat
We are animals at the end of the day and babies need their mother.
Any baby is going to be (usually) better off in its loving mothers arm's than the arms of a poorly paid bored ( some time) usually over worked nursery workers trying to get around several screaming Babies!!

You lost me at "We are animals..." I am a human being living in today's world There is a happy medium between overworked nursery workers (another cliche) and happy mum looking after only one child. Many mothers are juggling housework, school runs and more than one child. How come a nursery worker is overworked but never the mother? I doubt the baby gets more attention at home.

I do agree with your suggestion of staying in a part time role.

Sahm is work, and like all work has its ups and downs. There were some days I loved, and some I just survived. Comparing with paid employment, the highs are never as high as being a sahm, but the lows are never as low either.

you don’t need to make a single irrevocable decision, btw. After ml, I went back part time for a year, hated it (partly the juggle but also the paid job sucked), and left to be a sahm. Was truly a sahm for less than a year, as quickly picked up freelance work (wasn’t actively looking, but a former colleague reached out). It was only a few hours a month to start, but increased over time. Now the kids are in school and work 2 -3 days a week freelance (pay equivalent of 3/4 of my ft salary). Starting to think about permanent employment, but love the flexibility I have to handle after school care, volunteer in school, and deal with family admin during normal hours.

Mumsnet hate SAHMs but if I had the choice I would stay home with very young children, or better still work part time just to keep my foot in the door/give myself a break from the kids..

I had the same opportunity after 1 DC but opted to return to work part time because in my career, you need up to date CPD/recent training which I would massively struggle to achieve if I opted to return to work after a stint as a SAHM, and I never intended to be a SAHM for many years anyway. Oh and I love my job.

I work 2 days a week. DC1 adores nursery and has thrived there, and they cover all the messy play stuff too so I don't have to 🤣 I love the balance.