Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

We could afford for me to SAH, but I have never even vaguely considered it. It's not what I want, it wouldn't suit me, and if I said I wanted to then DH would be a bit bemused about what happened to the woman he married, but never mind.

If you have any capital built up in a career, it is a big risk. The power balance in your marriage shifts subtly but profoundly, and stats say that it's unlikely you'll ever get back to the salary level you left on, much less exceed it. You now have a huge amount to lose in your marriage ending, far more so than your DH does, because there are plenty of people who will cook and launder and take care of DC for money but a real market shortage of people who will feed and house you to stay at home looking after someone else's children. On the other hand, if you earn minimum wage and there aren't really any marital assets, it's all much of a muchness. You have to be honest with yourself about the risks and how much you can mitigate them, and also how much you are fundamentally suited to the job of being at home all the time with preschoolers, and how hard it will be when you do, eventually, want to go back to work.

I worked 4 days until all my DC were in school and I have no regrets. I'm in a far better position in every way than if I'd been at home, DH and I are equal parents who share every aspect of the load, and I love knowing that I will always, always be able to take care of me and mine alone, which means that I'm with DH because I want to be and not because I need to be.

Me too. I found age 6m to 3 years absolutely fascinating watching them develop skills, especially speech and how their personalities formed. I wouldn't trade my memories of this time for all the money and career success you could throw at me.

Im not sure i understand what you mean? Do you mean that being a SAHM cant be a job because working parents also parent, as well as going to work outside the home?

A SAHM does more parenting than a working mum because she is present. Parenting is her job, while a working mum is prioritising her job outside the home. That would be ok for some people, but not others. Its up to OP (and us as individuals) to decide whats best for our families.

@slowquickstep I love that ! Thank you

I work two days, I love it. Oldest just started school and so happy I got to spend all these years with her

@LargeHadronCollidHER if you don’t have financial independence then you do have to work though.
Saying 2 salaries are better than one says to me that your lifestyle would be significantly different one just one salary.

@Flowerpicker1 I do think people should only consider becoming stay at home parents if it doesn’t have a negative impact on the family’s lifestyle. If it will effect things like holidays, days out, savings etc then don’t do it.

I’d much rather be with my children than work.

I became a SAHM 5 years ago after DC2 - like you I had 2 under 2. Absolutely no regrets, I had time with my children that I would never have had. Time that you can never get back. We don’t have family massively close but I made friends through baby & toddler groups and we had lots of happy days together.

I’m about to go back to work soon, now both children are at school, but the time we had together was some of the happiest years of my life. I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to be a SAHM.

Topgub, as someone who has been a sahm and also has an established career, my years of not working were ace, loved it

@slowquickstep lovely post - thank you!

@Topgub my husband would be welcome to slow down and take a more active parenting role - many men I know do, to their benefit and the child’s. When given the choice, my husband prefers external work to home / child work. Luckily we are able to achieve individual preferences as well as balance overall family and monetary objectives.

@Dacadactyl

Well, no, I mean its not a job because its not.

It doesn't meet any of the definitions of a job.

Some sahms might do some more direct parenting than some working mums.

Both parent.

Only 1 of them has a job

It really annoys me when posters say “oh I would never ever be a SAHM” as though it’s always always a choice when actually a lot of the time it’s circumstance and finances that dictate this kind of decision.

if I went back to work my earnings would be wiped out on the travel there, forget about being wiped out from nursery costs - that would be on top. So we would be worse off by a lot. In which case I’ve had to sacrifice my sanity, because bigger picture for the family it’s better financially. Long term for me, probably not, but in a cost of living crisis what can you do.

anyway saying it like that insinuates that anyone can just bop off and get a part time job and if nursery fees wipe out the salary it’s worth it for the sanity. I agree to a point but it’s also an overly simplified view in my opinion.

if the financials work out and you want to go back to work OP do it, but equally don’t feel pressure if you don’t and it will complicate things right now.

Actually, upon reflection I was at my most stressed while working pt. It was the best and worst of both worlds. I was dealing with toddler tantrums and parenting issues one day, and the next I had to switch to being professional- but I couldn’t fully focus on either. My dc is approaching school age so I’d rather work ft (and I have to due to finances), however I’d rather work 9-2 or something like that so I could get dc from school.

@Labraradabrador

That is lucky.

Do you think he'll regret it on his deathbed?

Probably not, because he knows someone who loves his kids as much as he does is looking after them

I feel really sad for all the SAHMs who’s other halves are working and doing no parenting and missing all their childrens lives. Why did those working parents (dads) bother even having children 🙄

Back in the real world, if you work you are still parenting and it doesn’t necessarily mean you miss out on your children. Providing for your children is a major part of parenting. Perhaps part time or both parents working part time might be a good option.

@MiniTheMinx - I loved this para:

I'm amazed by the number of women :saying "time to be me" or "time for myself" and "was a break" I've never known an employer pay good wages for people to take a break being authentically themselves whilst finding themselves in some quasi spiritual way"

I understand what people are getting at, but work can definitely also be fairly soul destroying too!

@Dacadactyl

So its ok to miss out on all the precious memories and time you'll never get back if you have a sahm?

Gotcha

If you’re lucky enough to have a fulfilling career then your work is part of your identity. It is a privilege but plenty of people experience it.

OP, if your child could speak, where would he / she say they would rather be? You can look at this through your eyes (what's best for me?), or you can see the situation through theirs.
There is no love in a nursery. A childminder just sees your child as a job. One of several kids. Their mind will be in their own kids / families and whatever..
A baby needs their mum as a secure base, to make sense of the world and explore with someone totally attuned to them. It is s unique biological bond. When they try to utter a new word, you are reposting it back to them. You pre-empt their needs / next move in a way nobody else ever will. The tiny details that McKee then who they are and are becoming. When they see something new and turn to read your face or reaction, you are there. As a constant. This feeling of value and being centre of your world is a model they internalise and take through life. These are the formative years. There is more development at this age than any other. The rate of development is astonishing. Don't leave it to chance unless you really have to. That would be my advice fwiw. Sorry, but you did ask. They may not remember this age, but it matters, it really does.

repeating not reposting.

No, he gains a lot of his joy from his work. He also finds multitasking stressful and so does career mon - fri, and the family on weekends. Will he regret his choices later? As much as any of us do, I suppose. I guess the point is we are each as happy with our own lot as it is possible to be.

looking at your posts in total, can you be a bit more straightforward in you perspective? Asking lots of goady questions isn’t really contributing to the discussion

@Labraradabrador

I think my perspective is pretty clear. Thanks for the tip though.

Glad you've lucked out and are happy

Why do women think that men and women are equal in parenting? it's not like we've achieved actual equality in anything else! When men risk their lives, the integrity of the physical bodies, and their health to carry babies and give birth then I'll start worrying about whether men have a desire to be full time parents, and whether that is in the interests of children. The role of a mother in the early years of a child's life, the importance of this relationship is overlooked. Instead women are chasing this lie that equality can only be truly achieved in economic terms through work. Motherhood has inadvertently become a second rate enterprise. As with all and everything innately female, its denigrated, stripped of value, looked down upon. I don't measure my value with a male made ruler. I think in trying to create an essentially capitalist equality under a social system that equates value with economic value only (it has no other underlying principle through which to create or assess value) we have lost something.

I would try the 3 day option and see how it goes.
If you are lacking confidence now it will only get worse.

Its not about missing out on memories for us, or whats best for me or him, but about what we think is best for our children.

If i thought my husband would do as good a job as me at stay at home parenting, then i would be happy for him to do it.

I would still rather he did it than a stranger.

Each to our own.