Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

@Topgub - I never mentioned housework - you brought that up completely out of the blue, hence my confusion as to why you were suddenly implying that a SAHM’s role was nothing but housework with your question, ”How is housework relevant to broken families?”. Tbh, I assumed you were just being deliberately provocative and saying that SAHPs are so ineffectual, they have no role in helping keep families together, because all they contribute to the family is housework.
Regardless, we both agree that a SAHP doesn’t have any benefit over and above any other set up. Nor does two WOHP have any intrinsic benefit over and above any other set up. What has the most benefit is whatever set up works best for the individual family concerned, as stable, well functioning families of any description are good for society and, as a unit, overall contribute more to society than deeply dysfunctional ones, which are over-represented in our prison and welfare system.

In our current, capitalist system, all family structures are currently under strain. This is in no way caused by the fact that some families have SAHPs. More people working in the capitalist regime is not improving people’s lives an awful lot at this moment in time - more jobs to go round than people, massive inflation, most people having to work harder and harder for less and less. Capitalism puts a huge strain on family life.

Its a personal decision ,I was a sahm for A few years when dc were small and wouldn't swap it for the world
Money can't buy that time and we never had enough for me to pay in a pension, my dh didn't pay in one either but that wasn't something I / we worried about
Lots of my friends though went back to work as that was best for them, the ones who are part time seem to have a great mix and maybe if that had been an option it would of been something i could of done
Its a very personal choice and no option is wrong

@1994girl many people who work get benefits are they also scroungers ? Many sahm get no benefits as there dh/ dp earns too much and enough to cover them
Lets hope you never find your self made redundant and have to become a scrounger , sometimes life throws you a curve ball

Your household income is obviously far too low for you to of ever considered being a SAHM so it’s the right decision for you to return to work if the alternative would be for you to be on benefits. You’re doing the right thing for your family. You don’t have a choice. Thankfully, a lot of women aren’t in your financial position and do have a choice.

I am interested to know what’s changed between now and 16th September this year where you posted asking what benefits you were entitled to…..

I’m a SAHM and I love it! I have 3 kids but was at the same stage as you at one point with 2 under 2. It’s hard work and emotionally draining but I think it’s very important for them to have a parent at home when they’re little. I’ve always asked myself ‘who is going to raise my kids?’ It’s either going to be people in a nursery setting or it’s going to be me. And you need to decide which you would prefer. Good luck!

The notion that nursery staff raise children is ridiculous. Based on that opinion, working dads are not raising their own children and SAHMs are only raising their children until aged 4/5 until the kids go to school.

There is some truth in it, the environment that your little ones are in most of the time is not shaped by you, it’s by someone else. Like it or not age 0-5 is an utterly formative time for children, their personalities are developing and will last for the rest of their lives. My point is merely that I would rather be the one shaping that context for development for them.

Well I must be a crap parent then because sending them to nursery 3 days a week when they were little has ‘shaped’ them to become articulate, bright, well mannered children in primary. They are confident and secure.

Who is raising SAHP children outside of working hours and on weekends ? If I’m still not doing it as a working parent presumably that rule also applies to SAHPs?

I am not making any judgements about other people’s choices! Im
merely answering the lady’s question with my own perspective. Not trying to have an argument. Everyone does for their kids what they think is right.

The most important stage for a persons brain development is from conception until age 2. They need to form an attachment to a care giver, that is all still happening if said caregiver goes to work. My children went to a childminder from the day I returned to work. They still go to the childminder now, 10 years later. They love her but the attachment to me is incredibly different, obviously. Their personalities are me and their Dad as children in an improved, more sociable version

I raised my kids despite them going to nursery and school
HTH

I can't believe people still trot out this ridiculous comment about you not raising your children if you send them to nursery. It's completely untrue.

I've said it before, there is so much more to raising a child than being physically present all of the time. Choosing an appropriate childcare setting for you child that aligns with your values is part of raising a child.
Working parents raise their children.

”Choosing an appropriate childcare setting for you child that aligns with your values is part of raising a child.” That is, of course, assuming any childcare setting aligns with your values. For some people, it’s the best of a bad bunch. Some people opt for home education all the way to 18. It takes all sorts. Most people are fairly pragmatic.

Then you obviously haven't experienced real life bullying. 🙄

Online bullies tend to suffer from feelings of inadequacy in real life. Also, nobody really engages with them in real life. That's why they come on here seeking a reaction. It's very common.

But childcare or no childcare - these parents are ALL raising their children.

What a ridiculous comment.

Several posters have said the same thing.

You have literally no idea what this poster - or any others - have experienced.

Nothing is obvious to you as You do not know me and yes I have experienced terrible bullying in real life ! At school / work environments and by a member of my own family . So I think I've experienced enough to recognise the signs .

I think people (understandably) get hung up on this word "raising" and people are talking at cross-purposes a lot of the time. For instance, you could say a parent whose children are at boarding school from aged 7 "raised" their children, and that would be true, in the sense that ultimately, they are the parent and the buck stops with them, plus they spend time with their kids in the holidays. But nobody would argue that those parents spent as much physical time 'raising' their children, as a parent whose children were home from school every day at 4pm.. That's why so many people say, "I couldn't send my kids to boarding school."

So yes, we all raise our children in different ways. But a parent with a six-month old baby in a nursery with a key worker from 8-6 five days per week, is not 'raising' that baby to the same extent as someone who uses the same nursery one or two days a week - or obviously a SAHM. It's a matter of degrees. A baby is raised by the environments we put them in - whether that be your mother, or with you and / or their dad, a nursery or school. All these things influence your child in their waking hours and shape them as they develop. Where they spend the majority of their waking hours matters. And no, a dad who comes in at 7pm while his wife partner has been with the kids all day is not 'raising' the kids to the same degree as she is. This is obvious.

Ironic then that you and others don't see that TopGrub just debates in that way. Talking about them as if they weren't there in a rude way is bullying. If you and others can't cope with being disagreed with then go elsewhere. We don't all do "you do u hun".

So your playing both sides of the fence , I am going to do exactly that and go elsewhere thank you for the advice frida !

I don’t think people do really ‘trot’ out this comment, something like 78% of people go back to work after maternity leave so it’s certainly not a common perspective. My point is that if someone else is providing the physical, practical and emotional needs of a child for a significant number of hours each week they have influence in the child’s development. Perhaps ‘someone else is raising your children’ is an unpalatable phrase but it is true. People can choose whatever they want for their kids, I was just making the point that I wanted to be the person with the majority influence on my kids and that’s why I’m a SAHM. There is no value judgement to it.

Eh? You yourself brought that poster up FortSalem86 (by quoting Wiccan from yesterday). Don't be so disingenuous.

I guess it depends on your definition of 'raising'. I don't believe you can measure your contribution to raising your children in hours physically spent in their company.
I fell that it encompasses much more than that. Otherwise, the parents that stay at home but largely ignore their kids would be seen as playing a more active role in raising them than a couple who work but use high quality childcare and spend quality time with them during evenings, weekends and holidays.

I am aware that the environments children spend time in shape who they are as a person which is why we chose to use a nursey, a nursery that I knew was outstanding and would help shape our DS. That was a deliberate decision and one of the many decisions you make as a parent. Does that decision mean I play less of a role in raising my child? No, I don't believe it does.