Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

If you think I'm bullying you, report me

It's not me dishing out the personal attacks.

You're wrong again.

You are making things up again.

You taking the words of women posting here and changing them again.

I said this thread needs some solidarity. That's the last thing you want.

You changed my words and ascribed a meaning of your own that is not mine and bleated hypocrisy for the words you've made up.

Try again and do better, Jackanory.

@SoulTrayne

I'm doing fine thanks.

Not my problem you can't actually counter my points so are off on the defensive instead

A quote from my Jewish grandmother just came to mind.

When six doctors tell you that you're ill, you lie down.

@SoulTrayne

So they can send you the bill?

If you had done anything other than pop up to character assainate I might take your medical advice a bit more seriously.

As my great great grandmother would say (she wouldn't I read it on Facebook)

Other people's opinion of me is none of my business

There's nothing to counter.

You changed my words and those of other women posting here.

I called you out on it, along with your anti-women agenda.

You're still doing it, which is not too bright.

Crack on. I'm just settling in.

@SoulTrayne

Excellent

A choice is not “inherently sexist” just because an outsider says so. Sexism is a belief system, not a set of behaviours.

@Walkaround

But people do behave in sexist ways?

Their sexist beliefs lead to sexist behaviour.

Part time is the perfect balance- I went back to work 3 days a week when DS was 6 months old. Went back up to full time when he turned 9 months as we needed the money. Desperately wish I could just do 3 days again!!

No you don't need reporting you need educating ! You refuse to see that some of your statements are belittling and toxic

@Topgub - not all people, though, and not all of the people behaving in ways that could be perceived to be sexist are actually behaving that way as a consequence of a sexist belief system.

You don’t have to believe that women are invariably better suited to tolerating and nurturing small children than men, or that men are invariably better off in the workplace than organising the home, to believe that you have a perfectly happy, mutually beneficial, amicable and equal partnership where one partner fulfills a different but complementary role to the other. It’s not as if everyone believes that the workplace is more important than the home, or vice versa, so it is not important to everyone that 100% of people are equally busy in every space. Would you view it as sexist if the man were the SAHP?

It’s probably best for the kids to be brutally honest
but not necessarily for you

id keep working PT if I were you

Sorry Topgub, I realise yes you'd have to subscribe to read the journal.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/14/feminism-capitalist-handmaiden-neoliberal.

Nancy Fraser summarises her argument about how neoliberal capitalism has coopted liberal feminist demands. She sets out to explain how the very reasonable rational demands of women are taken up in the mainstream and what the unintended consequences have been. Ie, more women now have to work, not because it creates inequality with men but because capitalist ideology present equality purely in economic terms, it also leads to greater labour exploitation. The move to encourage women to see equality in purely economic terms happens at a time when the real assault on the welfare state starts to come into view and also when many jobs start to require softer skills and affective labour. This ties also into the marketisation of care work and move on social care by private free market forces.

@MiniTheMinx

My only worry with that train of thought is it implies women only work because they've been forced into it or brainwashed by capitalism rather than what they'd choose but yes, I see what it's saying

@Walkaround

No. You dont have to believe that (sex based roles) but choosing it reinforces them none the less.

Just like wearing make up and high heels.

(Do I really want to open that can of worms?)

Sorry, no. I dont think a sahd is sexist

Oh, the irony of feeling you have to deny you could possibly have been brainwashed by capitalism while insisting others cannot deny they have been brainwashed by sexism.

@Walkaround

Except I've said that we are all socially conditioned?

I'm aware that I have been socially conditioned, in fact directly brought up, to think I should work and be financially independent.

I dont deny that.

But people who are against equality will look for any excuse to say women don't actually want to work

They really just wish they were at home. Where they should be.

@Topgub - but of course women want to work. Women want to have agency. Women do not want to be told by one group of people they must stay at home and by another group of people they must get out of the home. They want to be able to choose for themselves where they work, not to be told that home life does not involve work that actually counts, or that work outside the home is beyond their capabilities.

@Walkaround

I have repeatedly said that women should do what they want.

And I havent said that home life does not involve work that actually counts, (just that working parents also work at home) or that work outside the home is beyond their capabilities. I've never even suggested that.

I also had 2 under 2, I went back 3 days a week. I had 4 days with the children and 3 days to be someone other than Mum. Not sure if it’s relevant but I’m in a vocation and that is a huge part of my identity so whilst I love my children I needed to work for me to feel myself.

As time went on I progressed in my career and still work part time, finishing early to take the kids around to activities and I still feel I have the perfect balance.

Ive had comments from family saying I’m not as maternal as SAHM sister but I don’t believe that. My children are proud of me, they see I balance everything for our family and when I’ve asked them if they’d rather I was at home they say they’re happy with the balance and like me working. Obviously they know nothing else.

I think real equality is way off out there irrespective of individual choices.

1. I wasn't gonna take it up the bum 8hrs a day for my boss and then another 8 from my husband! Della Costa......how women are doubly exploited, free labour paid labour.
2. I wanted to raise my DC with my own philosophy, and believe secure attachment creates emotionally healthy individuals.
3. I was absolutely committed to raising critical minds that were free to think outside of the normal societal "group think or "common sense" ideology. Thankfully my DC respect me irrespective of whether other women respect my choices.
4. I was my own boss and any sacrifices were worthwhile because I seem to have achieved my goal.
5. I was able to read and study for 12 years without guilt.
6. Changing the so called 'sexist' dynamic in my own relationship wouldn't necessarily create structural change, since sexism takes many forms.
7. I'm a commie @ topgub and in no way was I prepared to shave years off my life and diminish my health breaking my back to prove my value in wage slavery working the double shift.
8. Capitalist class more than benefits from my unpaid labour, why let it benefit twice.
9. never feared DH would take his wallet and run, why would he? no arguments, free time, happy wife, fed kids, and I could spend time looking after myself.
10. Because I'm a commie I will argue that creating equality between men and women within individual families doesn't lead to equality between men and women in general. The clue in this is that liberal feminist ideals fall far short of radical structural change.....that's why women are fed a diet of "thou must work for wages" lest you be bottom eaters.

There are many benefits to women and to children of staying home. But ultimately it should be freely chosen. However for many women the option simply isn't there both because of the rabid assumption of low value and because of cold hard economics. Shame.

Now we are looking forward to not just two salary households but having families working 2.5 or 3 jobs between them. Hey ho.

@Topgub - you have effectively said that work inside the home doesn’t really count, because you will not acknowledge that there is any value in a family having a SAHP. Why does the home-based work suddenly become valueless in your eyes when one person is doing the lion’s share of it, but it is valuable if two people are sharing it? Or valuable if a single parent is doing all the domestic and all the paid work in their own? Is the work of a WOHP valueless if they are not contributing enough at home, or does the criticism apply only in one direction? In what way is that view not capitalist brainwashing?

@MiniTheMinx

think real equality is way off out there irrespective of individual choices.

I dont think its even achievable sadly