Called husband an incompetent parent

[happysundayiguess]

He's stormed out saying he clearly can't do anything right so what's the point trying

Back story, heavily pregnant and feeling every bit of it. Husband went to collect our click and collect order this morning, 3 year old didn't want to go with him, fine. The plan is to go to the beach for a walk for the afternoon so he's getting out then. Spent the morning on the sofa, he was on the floor with Netflix on in the background playing with his toys.

10am Netflix comes up are you still watching, mum guilt kicks in, I say right enough tele let's go do something. Go in the kitchen, get the paints out, cut some potato stamps and we are doing that all fine, not even 5 minutes later he starts complaining he's bored and wants tele back on. I say no we've had 4 hours of tele we're going to do something else, if you don't want to do painting why don't we get something else out and make a few suggestions. He flies off the rails (which in itself is the result of too much screen time!) escalated to the point he scratched my arm and threw a bar stool over which took a chunk out of the wall. I did raise my voice at this and he then threw the paint and made a big mess with it. My husband walked in the door as this was happening and suddenly my son went from angry to hysterically sobbing that mummy made him upset because she shouted (I know I shouldn't of) my husband asked what happened and I explained that we've had hours of tele and he's kicking off because I said no more. He says give them a minute to calm down and go for a shower as I had paint on me.

I come back down from my shower and they are cuddled up on the sofa and he's got tele back on. As I walk in my husband goes right what do you say, toddler says sorry mummy, then my husband says that my son has cleaned up the paint and knows that because he was naughty he doesn't get to go to the beach anymore.

Fucking really? We don't think the logical solution here for a tantrum about screen time was to say because you've behaved in this way, there's no more screen time today and we're all going to go out to the beach. No, we take away the walk, outside in the fresh air, and give him more screen time? I turned the tele off and said you've had enough screens, we're going to the beach. Husband says I'm undermining him, I laugh because it's so ridiculous that this is how he thought he had resolved situation, he says why am I laughing? I say it's incompetent parenting to reward a tantrum about screen time with screen time and take away an outdoor activity as the punishment despite the fact that's a positive thing and is totally unrelated. He kicks off nothing he does is good enough and storms out. Left me with a kicking off child who didn't know what was going on and was just angry all over again about the tele being turned off. Took me an hour to calm him down, another big tantrum in that time and now I'm just exhausted and pissed off.

AIBU? Or is just parenting 101?

I agree with you op. Not Going outside for fresh air and exercise shouldn't be a punishment. Most little kids need to get out. Sounds like your dh couldn't be arsed to go out.

I do think he did well to calm dc down though and I do think you were wrong to call him what you did. He should have communicated with you about the consequences he wanted to impose.

The suggestion that a three-year-old is cynical, sly and manipulative is really quite disturbing; I've been thinking about it a lot today. It's a really hostile thought for a mother to have.

As to: "the obvious thing to do would of been after sending her for a shower, knowing that the tantrum was about screen time, would of been to explain that because of his behaviour he would not only not have screen time now but he would also not be having any for the remainder of the day but that he could still go to the beach if he apologised and or tidied up"

We are talking about a toddler here, not a teenager. And a toddler who has just been shocked and traumatized by his mother shouting at him. The father was right to soothe him and say he was sorry to mummy; meeting that with another rant about screen time and insults is just nuts.

Whilst it's not ideal to raise your voice at your kids, I think the majority of parents have gotten to the point of it happening at least once and I think calling it traumatising for the child is a bit OTT!

While it's poor form and lazy to reinstate the trigger of the tantrum and cancel the walk that the toddler needed, calling him an incompetant parent is too far. The immediate consequence of helping clear up was sensible.

I've done a difficult, heavy pregnancy with a toddler over a long winter. It was bloody hard and so difficult to safely get a toddler out of the house and do anything with him when I couldn't even bend down to him or use a buggy. Don't sweat the small stuff. Excess TV time saved the sanity of both of us. By the time I'd recovered from a crap birth and felt human again it was summer and we managed the TV time back to sensible levels. Getting out when you can is important though and it's important to burn off that physical energy.

Yes I do 3 in fact! I didn’t say there was I said there is possibly. As in a child that is about to have a sibling and his whole routine changing. A mum who is really stressed and he is picking up on it. Those kind of things that can cause a child to act out of character. I haven’t ever experienced a tantrum like the one described - it seems like a highly charged situation from all sides that no one has come out of well.

Incompetent communication between the two of you perhaps.

I understand your point about him undermining the no tv message and removing the more ‘wholesome’ outdoor activity. But I think the way you reacted and spoke to him was out of order- you actually laughed at him and called him incompetent, and in front of your DS. You were undermining him too!

if you look at it rationally, he came back and immediately de-escalated the situation, sent you off to shower / calm down and recognised your DS needed to apologise and tidy up. Even if putting the tv back on was the wrong message for DS, you mocked and belittled him instead of discussing it with him later and maybe agreeing how to deal with those kind of situations in future. I would’ve been really pissed off with you too. Being called incompetent is really quite a nasty thing to say to your spouse.

3 year olds can be arseholes and I get you’re hormonal but being pregnant doesn’t give you licence to talk to your DH like shit.

I think you are making life easier unnecessarily hard on yourself and your husband and need to chill out. Once baby number 2 comes along you will probably be begging your DS to just sit and watch some tv when he’s mithering you to do arts and crafts.

Yes. 36 weeks pregnant!
cut her some slack.

I’ve been 36 weeks pregnant, four times. Being pregnant isn’t an excuse to lose your shit like OP did. Especially not after a restful & peaceful morning of 4 hours dozing on the sofa while watching TV while the one and only DC you already have is quietly & nice.y playing with their toys on the floor. Pregnancy is not some sort of golden ticket that excuses everything and anything.

@happysundayiguess i think the toddler hurting you, esp so pregnant and tired and full of hormones, has really triggered you. DH then seemingly condoning that and acting like it isn't a big thing in your eyes has compounded that feeling. Perhaps fear of him getting so out of control when baby is here, or him continuing to hurt you or the baby? And you don't seem to believe DS meant it - "he'll do anything to get him own way!"

DS made a weird call banning fresh air and change of scene, i agree. He should have got him to help clean up and apologise because that's what he needed to do, and to have then gone ahead with the trip out to help discharge all the upset. However, i also see that he perhaps thought as DS wanted to go to the beach that banning that was the punishment, he'd got him to tidy up and apologise, so no reason he couldn't then have telly.

Unless your DH makes a regular thing of going against what you say, i'd honestly apologise for the rude comment and explain why you were so upset. Accept it was a shit day and move on.

If DS regularly gets so out of control speak to nursery perhaps and see how he is there, how they deal with it. This is the time you and DH need to be pulling together, not apart.

👏. Yes exactly. Being pregnant seems to be some women's excuse for everything. It's ridiculous.

Do you think your husband cancelled the beach as " punishment" because he couldn't be bothered going out again? He kind of ruined your afternoon out too and he didn't consult with you. Then stormed out leaving you to parent alone after doing so all morning. Does he often do this.

I'm not sure turning the TV back on was the best idea when the child had been kicking off about not being able to watch more. Getting out on the beach would probably have been better for him.

I'd have left them to it though and fucked off for a lay down at 36 weeks pregnant.

Saying that I wouldn't have turned the TV off in the first place

I'm with you OP. Your DH took the easy way out.

Does your DS go to nursery at all? Could you send him one day so you can get some rest?

Personally I think OPs DH undermined her rather than the other way around. Desire for TV caused the violence in the first place. OPs DH gave the TV.

You shouldn't have called your husband incompetent but you're right about the TV going back on. The walk should not have been taken away as punishment and I can't believe people are saying your husband did a great job of putting the TV back on. Of course that calmed the child down!

Yup 100% this. Although I do think OP didn't react particularly diplomatically or kindly, but ultimately she isn't in the wrong.

@happysundayiguess Yes he absolutely did undermine you. And it is not ok that he teaches ds that you’re the bad guy and he’s the good guy. Good on you for standing up for yourself and remaining consistent.

I do agree about the TV going back on.

However, I think you need to pick your battles especially if you are struggling being heavily pregnant.

Your husband went to do a job and came back to paint everywhere, an irate wife, crying toddler and general family carnage. He sent you for a shower to calm down, that was the right thing. He calmed the child down, that was the right thing. He put an age appropriate consequence in place (helping clean), that was right. He then spoke to the toddler about apologising and ensured that was done, that was the right thing.

He then decided to allow TV and cancel the beach, as the consequence.That decision isn’t clear cut if it was right or not. But as a parent that’s how he decided to resolve the situation he had walked into and sorted out. Which was met with passive aggressive laughing then, insults and anger.

Another tense and awful situation being played out in front of the toddler. No room for a discussion about it. Maybe the husband thought ‘wife is really tired as is toddler a walk in beach might just end up with tantrums from both later tonight’. Maybe he could be arsed with the beach, but he didn’t get chance.

I do think he should have left and taken the toddler with him tbh. I am sure the toddler wasn’t feeling very happy being left with their mother when their mother is so stressed. You could probably do with some space and rest. So not taken the cold to upset you more. But to give you what you need.

I wouldn’t have stayed there to watch you lose your shit again and insult me and carry on in front of the child. But I would have taken the child with me. Maybe he did and I missed it.

But Op you really need to look at your part in this. Your husband wasn’t perfect. But did, on the whole, a good job of sorting the situation. And you wound it up again. When it could have been a conversation.

I think your partner was wrong to allow the tv back on as you had explained that was the issue. He undermined you if anything, He should have cleared up the mess with the toddler, got him to apologise and then got him involved in another activity, maybe putting some snacks/lunch together to have at the beach.

However, arguing in from of the child, Dad storming out, the child seeing Dad storm out, it shouldn’t be happening. You need to get on the same page before your baby arrives as there’s going to be a lot of arguing.

And to be honest, if I was 36 weeks pregnant and felt crap, I’d have said yes to Netflix asking me if I wanted to keep watching, 🤷🏻‍♀️then gone to the beach once your husband was home.

If he’s a good dad and not usually incompetent, apologise for that comment, if he’s a good bloke he should apologise too for putting the tv back on and the storming out. It was all very unnecessary though, fuck this ‘mum guilt’ about tv. You’re pregnant, you’re tired, tv is fine for a whole morning, especially when you have an outing planned for the afternoon. I refused to do mum guilt, I’m a good mum and ‘too much’ screen time when I’ve been ill or pregnant or tired, doesn’t take away all the hours I’ve spent with my kids at parks, soft play, beaches, playing with them, painting, baking etc. Lose the mum guilt, you’ll be a better parent!

Just off the point here slightly - but how often does your child throw furniture and paint around, and physically attack you? I remember the temper tantrums of that age extremely well - and how hard it was to ignore the ease of just switching the TV on! - but chucking actual furniture, taking chunks out of walls and being violent to the point of scratching you....I don't think any of that is especially normal behaviour for a child.

Not trying to sound preachy or judgy, promise. I have two autistic DC so trust me, we've had our share of shit here.

Just slightly worried that the throwing of furniture, and scratching you barely seems to register as a concern?

Lmao. This.

I think he managed it badly in putting tele on. They could have read a book or something. And yes getting out is v important when you have a toddler who needs to burn energy. I would have (in hindsight) probably let them finish that show then had lunch then said to dh ds needs to get out for exercise I'm going to lay down can you take him to the park seen as you took beach away.

He hurts me and trashes the kitchen and gets his way and a cuddle with daddy

What's wrong with a cuddle after calming down and helping tidy up?