Called husband an incompetent parent

[happysundayiguess]

He's stormed out saying he clearly can't do anything right so what's the point trying

Back story, heavily pregnant and feeling every bit of it. Husband went to collect our click and collect order this morning, 3 year old didn't want to go with him, fine. The plan is to go to the beach for a walk for the afternoon so he's getting out then. Spent the morning on the sofa, he was on the floor with Netflix on in the background playing with his toys.

10am Netflix comes up are you still watching, mum guilt kicks in, I say right enough tele let's go do something. Go in the kitchen, get the paints out, cut some potato stamps and we are doing that all fine, not even 5 minutes later he starts complaining he's bored and wants tele back on. I say no we've had 4 hours of tele we're going to do something else, if you don't want to do painting why don't we get something else out and make a few suggestions. He flies off the rails (which in itself is the result of too much screen time!) escalated to the point he scratched my arm and threw a bar stool over which took a chunk out of the wall. I did raise my voice at this and he then threw the paint and made a big mess with it. My husband walked in the door as this was happening and suddenly my son went from angry to hysterically sobbing that mummy made him upset because she shouted (I know I shouldn't of) my husband asked what happened and I explained that we've had hours of tele and he's kicking off because I said no more. He says give them a minute to calm down and go for a shower as I had paint on me.

I come back down from my shower and they are cuddled up on the sofa and he's got tele back on. As I walk in my husband goes right what do you say, toddler says sorry mummy, then my husband says that my son has cleaned up the paint and knows that because he was naughty he doesn't get to go to the beach anymore.

Fucking really? We don't think the logical solution here for a tantrum about screen time was to say because you've behaved in this way, there's no more screen time today and we're all going to go out to the beach. No, we take away the walk, outside in the fresh air, and give him more screen time? I turned the tele off and said you've had enough screens, we're going to the beach. Husband says I'm undermining him, I laugh because it's so ridiculous that this is how he thought he had resolved situation, he says why am I laughing? I say it's incompetent parenting to reward a tantrum about screen time with screen time and take away an outdoor activity as the punishment despite the fact that's a positive thing and is totally unrelated. He kicks off nothing he does is good enough and storms out. Left me with a kicking off child who didn't know what was going on and was just angry all over again about the tele being turned off. Took me an hour to calm him down, another big tantrum in that time and now I'm just exhausted and pissed off.

AIBU? Or is just parenting 101?

I think the fact he’s 3 and had such a violent tantrum means there’s possibly more going on here

Why does it have to be something more going on? Do you even have kids? 3 year olds can be total arseholes it doesnt mean 'there is more going on' Hes just a 3 year old who was taken away from something he was enjoying, playing with his toys!

I'm sorry, I think you massively overreacted and owe your DH an apology.

Agreeing with someone who's being a twat, doesn't make you less of a twat you know 🙄

he says why am I laughing? I say it's incompetent parenting to reward a tantrum about screen time with screen time and take away an outdoor activity as the punishment

But it is a punishment, it's the thing your DS most wanted!

YABVU

He hurts me and trashes the kitchen and gets his way and a cuddle with daddy and learns exactly what to do next time I turn the tele off

He is three. He didn't hurt you on purpose. Tantrums happen when toddler have feelings they don't understand and can't control or communicate about. They are involuntary and are not manipulative. And cuddles from parents are not a reward and should not be withheld as a punishment, ever.

In this case, the DH was absolutely right to restore calm and reassure the child that everything was still OK, whilst making him help clear up and prepare an apology. And then OP came in and kicked everything off again. For nothing. It was done and resolved. It must have been upsetting for the little lad.

I don't wish to add to any pile-on, and I think it's really sweet that your little boy woke up and remembered a lovely day in the rain and wanted to recreate it. That is so cute.

Holding onto resentments and thinking along the lines of "Why should he get that? He was bad and will learn to be bad to get what he wants!" is misguided and not helpful.

I don't think having the TV on in the background whilst playing is bad. I definitely used Cbeebies for this when my kids were little. It's definitely not as if he was glued to an iPad for four hours.

He is three. He didn't hurt you on purpose. Tantrums happen when toddler have feelings they don't understand and can't control or communicate about. They are involuntary and are not manipulative. And cuddles from parents are not a reward and should not be withheld as a punishment, ever.

In this case, the DH was absolutely right to restore calm and reassure the child that everything was still OK, whilst making him help clear up and prepare an apology. And then OP came in and kicked everything off again. For nothing. It was done and resolved. It must have been upsetting for the little lad.

I completely agree.

I think the fact he’s 3 and had such a violent tantrum means there’s possibly more going on here

Absolute rubbish!

OP I am totally with you. Only on mumsnet must you pander to every whim and tantrum of your child’s In case they’re traumatised later in life 🙄

your husband rewarded bad behaviour because it made his life easier, end off. Easy to get a kid to say sorry once they’re happy and getting what they want. YANBU.

In the nicest possible way.
Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Especially when you have a baby and a threenager.

Yeah what he should've done was tell op to sort it out, not told her to go for a shower, that would've been the much easier option.

Her husband walked in to her shouting at a 3 year old and sent her for a shower for space and to calm down.

I bet OP didn't apologise for the shouting...

Oh I forgot, nobody’s ever allowed to be at the end of their wick and lose their temper.
get a grip.

Why would she be at the end of her wick when DS has been good all day until she decided on forced fun?

But he didn't want to do painting. From the sound of it he wasn't just watching TV, he was playing as well.
Why you would even attempt to force a 3 year old to do something they don't want to do is beyond me. Why does he have to do something else when he was playing happily?
You were unreasonable to try and force fun on your child, you were incredibly unreasonable to call your husband incompetent after he got your toddler to clean up and apologise.
Sounds like it's all about what you want to do. Go for a walk somewhere else so he's still going out.
Surely your DS has learned if he behaves this way again he'll have to clean up and apologise. That's not a bad thing.

Absolutely this. Twice the OP took a peaceful situation and created strife. Why? Because it was her way or the highway.

Arguing like that with the toddler in the room is terrible, as well.

YABU - the incompetent parent is not the one who walked into chaos due to the other parents decision of forced fun and no TV, calmed the child down, tided up the paint and mess, gave a punishment and then decided to put on a bit of TV to keep things relaxed and settled until the other parent came and kicked things off again.

I'd call it a resolution. You got to go for a shower in peace, you came down to a clean floor, paint wiped up and a relatively quiet toddler who apologised to you.

Your DH had been to collect the shopping and came in to find you distressed (understandably) because of your tantrumming child. He took over so that you could go and de-stress.

I personally don't see what was wrong with what he did. He just approached it differently to you. That doesn't make your approach right and his wrong.

You WERE wrong and totally unjustified though to call him incompetent. Remember that because of the situation he walked in on he could easily have turned that one around onto you. You wouldn't have liked that, I am sure and luckily he didn't do it.

I think you need to back down now, and apologise to DH.

Neither of you is incompetent. Toddlers are little gits. Why didn't you just accept the apology, give notice that the telly would be going off again soon, have a breather and a peaceful cup of tea or coffee and then go for a walk. Perhaps even all going. Personally, I wouldn't have cancelled the beach walk because I would have wanted to go myself, and I refuse to punish myself.

Your pregnancy hormones may be meaning that you have made far more of this than you needed to.

I think you were being very unreasonable OP.

The four hours of TV something you wanted while you lay on the sofa and your DC played alone with his toys. But then you lied to your DH and made it sound like the the TV was your DC demanding to watch a show he wanted.

You clearly were incompetent at handling the painting situation, did your DC even want to do the activity? Do you even ask your DC what they’d like to do?

Your DH has a more effective parenting style as he got an enraged child to clean up the mess he made, apologise to you and he’s comforting him when you come down.

You were out of order to turn off the TV and have a go at your DH and call him incompetent. You completely undermined him and mocked him in front of the DC. And your fabrication that the TV in the morning was for your DC and not because you were knackered and couldnt get off the sofa, was purely to give the illusion you are the better parent, when imho you’re not.

The TV was on for 4 hrs because that what you wanted, not what your DC wanted as they played with toys by themselves the entire time. At least your DH seems to listen to your DC and actually care about what the DC wants and needs are.

Except the OPs DH though

As you’ve slated him for being at the end of his wick

The OP came down to find the mess cleaned up, the child calmed down and having helped clean, and an apology. She then lost her shit, laughed at her husband and tore into him. Called him incompetent.

Husband then lost his temper and left the house rather than argue in front of the DC.

Who had provocation in this situation? Who handled things better? The husband.

Imagine the comments if the genders were reversed?

OP I am totally with you. Only on mumsnet must you pander to every whim and tantrum of your child’s In case they’re traumatised later in life

So what are you suggesting OP should have done instead then?

"So what are you suggesting OP should have done instead then?"

To me, if I was the husband here the obvious thing to do would of been after sending her for a shower, knowing that the tantrum was about screen time, would of been to explain that because of his behaviour he would not only not have screen time now but he would also not be having any for the remainder of the day but that he could still go to the beach if he apologised and or tidied up. The husband wasn't that far wrong, he just got the punishments completely the wrong way round which in the process did undermine OP who had said firmly no more screens and did reward the negative behaviour.

mine would do anything to get what he wanted.

I can see this from your perspective but this is batshit. He’s 3. Do you seriously think he has this level of self awareness? It’s far more likely that he was overtired and enjoying a quiet morning in front of the tv. Yes it’s not ideal, but it isn’t going to hurt him as a one off.

His dad came in and didn’t berate you for causing the situation. He took over to let you get cleaned up, spoke to him and managed to calm him, then got him to tidy up and apologise to you for his behaviour. That’s a great outcome in my book and I can assure you that the 3 year old had no more motive for doing this than daddy had asked him to. He isn’t some naughty genius manipulating things to get what he wants, he’s only three. You may be having a new baby but don’t forget that this one is still little and learning too.

Yep, basically this 👆🏻