Called husband an incompetent parent

[happysundayiguess]

He's stormed out saying he clearly can't do anything right so what's the point trying

Back story, heavily pregnant and feeling every bit of it. Husband went to collect our click and collect order this morning, 3 year old didn't want to go with him, fine. The plan is to go to the beach for a walk for the afternoon so he's getting out then. Spent the morning on the sofa, he was on the floor with Netflix on in the background playing with his toys.

10am Netflix comes up are you still watching, mum guilt kicks in, I say right enough tele let's go do something. Go in the kitchen, get the paints out, cut some potato stamps and we are doing that all fine, not even 5 minutes later he starts complaining he's bored and wants tele back on. I say no we've had 4 hours of tele we're going to do something else, if you don't want to do painting why don't we get something else out and make a few suggestions. He flies off the rails (which in itself is the result of too much screen time!) escalated to the point he scratched my arm and threw a bar stool over which took a chunk out of the wall. I did raise my voice at this and he then threw the paint and made a big mess with it. My husband walked in the door as this was happening and suddenly my son went from angry to hysterically sobbing that mummy made him upset because she shouted (I know I shouldn't of) my husband asked what happened and I explained that we've had hours of tele and he's kicking off because I said no more. He says give them a minute to calm down and go for a shower as I had paint on me.

I come back down from my shower and they are cuddled up on the sofa and he's got tele back on. As I walk in my husband goes right what do you say, toddler says sorry mummy, then my husband says that my son has cleaned up the paint and knows that because he was naughty he doesn't get to go to the beach anymore.

Fucking really? We don't think the logical solution here for a tantrum about screen time was to say because you've behaved in this way, there's no more screen time today and we're all going to go out to the beach. No, we take away the walk, outside in the fresh air, and give him more screen time? I turned the tele off and said you've had enough screens, we're going to the beach. Husband says I'm undermining him, I laugh because it's so ridiculous that this is how he thought he had resolved situation, he says why am I laughing? I say it's incompetent parenting to reward a tantrum about screen time with screen time and take away an outdoor activity as the punishment despite the fact that's a positive thing and is totally unrelated. He kicks off nothing he does is good enough and storms out. Left me with a kicking off child who didn't know what was going on and was just angry all over again about the tele being turned off. Took me an hour to calm him down, another big tantrum in that time and now I'm just exhausted and pissed off.

AIBU? Or is just parenting 101?

are you the same poster as yesterday who calls her husband an unnatural parent for not being the perfect imaginary instagram dad?

It was a complete shit show and I'm pretty sure my definition is the same as most people's.

Agree with this and surprised so many have been so harsh to you op. It was stupid of husband to allow more tv as the answer however I do think you undermined him. The right thing to do would've been to let it slide infront of child and discuss with husband out of earshot why you were unhappy. Then perhaps maintain the no beach ad that's the punishment dh has said and its not good to row back on decisions and appear indecisive as parents anymore than to give tv as he did. I'd instead have done a different no tv activity I.e. play in garden or do a puzzle

But you didn't just take him away from the t.v. OP. You said it was on in the background and he was happy on the floor playing with his toys. That is completely different to just sitting watching the t.v. So you also took him away from playing happily with his toys.
You were going out this afternoon anyway so what harm is there in having a morning where DC chills playing with t.v as background? OK DH may not have made the best choice but neither did you and yes it is unreasonable and unpleasant to call him an incompetent parent.

"Trying to force a 3 year old to do an activity they don't want to do? W*ho the fuck wants to go for a walk on the beach in November?"
*
My 3 year old. He woke up this morning and asked if we can wear our puddle suits and go for a walk on the beach today. We got caught in the rain on a dog walk one time and the beach on a miserable day is now his idea of the best day ever.

So why didn't you just leave him be when he was happily playing with his toys, knowing he'll be getting fresh air and exercise later?

OP said no more screen time and tantrum took place. OP told husband what happened and he gives child more screen time even though OP had already said no.
The husband undermined OP here.
Too much screen time has a negative effect on a child’s behaviour and mood.

God, how immature is your dh to storm off.
He is an incompetent parent if that’s how he handles a disagreement.

I totally understand your viewpoint and I would have been equally annoyed. I also probably would have reacted in the same way. Your husband is probably wounded and felt like he had done a good job, which in a way, he had. He walked in to chaos and mess and made it clean and calm. Just a bit of a crap morning I think. You're not controlling or demanding you are tired and fed up and trying to do the right thing for your family. I think next time leave them be and take yourself off for a walk or a sleep.

So the OP gets to take the easy way out and stick the kid in front of the TV for hours to save herself some effort, yet when her DH does the same (after getting their child to clean up and apologise) he is undermining her?

How many times have I seen on MN people say it’s not undermining when the OP is a woman and is pushing against a ‘rule’ or ‘punishment’ their DH has put in place that makes her life harder.

Too much screen time has a negative effect on a child’s behaviour and mood.

Did you read the bit where the kid was happily playing with his toys while the screen was on in the background?

So if your husband laughed at your parenting efforts, mocking you then called you a shit parent you'd what? Apologise and promise to do better next time? It was a shit way to treat him and that's putting it lightly really.

I agree with this. I think you both undermined each other, you said no more tv(hence the toddler tantrum) hubby turned it back on undermining you. Hubby did a good job getting toddler to clean up and apologise, rewarded him with tv which you turned off, undermining him. I get being heavily pregnant and exhausted with a toddler though, my belly was like 10times the size it usually is and I struggled to stand let alone do anything else but not a good situation loosing it in front of toddler. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to Just hold it in till toddler sleeping n buy then you’ve had time to chill and calm down to talk about it properly.

So many comments about getting toddler to apologise and clean up and how good that is, maybe we have very different children but mine would do anything to get what he wanted. Of course he said sorry and wiped up the paint, he wanted TV and was told if he did that then he could have the TV back on but that he wasn't allowed to go to the beach. You can end most tantrums almost instantly if you give them what them want, but sometimes, especially after violence that is not an option because it justifies their behaviour and shows them that it works. That's what I mean by parenting 101. It's just stupidity to me to call that a resolution.

Your DH took the easy way out when he let the kid have the telly on as a way to end the tantrum. It was lazy and short term-ist parenting. He undermined you before you undermined him.

Also can't believe the posters on this thread who think that it's fine for a dad to storm out and not bother parenting the toddler because of an argument with his wife. This isn't the 1950s. Dads don't get to walk away from their parental responsibility if their wife dares to disagree with them.

Why don't you just hide this thread OP? Can't be good for you to have to read all this. I'd be long gone 😁

He returned from picking up the shopping to find their toddler had flown off the rails, scratched his mum's arm, threw a bar stool over which took a chunk out of the wall and then because his mum was shouting at him, he threw paint everywhere.

He calms the toddler, sends OP for a shower, supervises the tidying up, gets toddler to apologise and then storms out because his wife laughed at him and called him an incompetent parent and he feels he can never do anything right.

But yeah, he was immature to storm off 🙄

Seriously OP. Why are you posting here if you just want everyone to agree with you.

I’d not bank on your marriage lasting long if you’re this unwilling to accept you’re wrong here

OK, your parenting is far superior to your husband's.

Forcing your toddler to stop happily playing by himself to go and play with you even though he was bored after 5 minutes, was absolutely top class parenting, as was shouting at him when he was throwing a tantrum.

Better now?

The toddler tidied up and apologised. You should all be heading to the beach. More screen time is a ridiculous consequence to the tantrum.

Absolutely. You need to work as a team. Giving in to a tantrum rewards the wrong behaviour. It's a shame your DH doesn't get this.

I think he done well.

You let the DC watch netflix for the entire morning causing the outburst.

He done well up until the point you both started arguing again.