Called husband an incompetent parent

[happysundayiguess]

He's stormed out saying he clearly can't do anything right so what's the point trying

Back story, heavily pregnant and feeling every bit of it. Husband went to collect our click and collect order this morning, 3 year old didn't want to go with him, fine. The plan is to go to the beach for a walk for the afternoon so he's getting out then. Spent the morning on the sofa, he was on the floor with Netflix on in the background playing with his toys.

10am Netflix comes up are you still watching, mum guilt kicks in, I say right enough tele let's go do something. Go in the kitchen, get the paints out, cut some potato stamps and we are doing that all fine, not even 5 minutes later he starts complaining he's bored and wants tele back on. I say no we've had 4 hours of tele we're going to do something else, if you don't want to do painting why don't we get something else out and make a few suggestions. He flies off the rails (which in itself is the result of too much screen time!) escalated to the point he scratched my arm and threw a bar stool over which took a chunk out of the wall. I did raise my voice at this and he then threw the paint and made a big mess with it. My husband walked in the door as this was happening and suddenly my son went from angry to hysterically sobbing that mummy made him upset because she shouted (I know I shouldn't of) my husband asked what happened and I explained that we've had hours of tele and he's kicking off because I said no more. He says give them a minute to calm down and go for a shower as I had paint on me.

I come back down from my shower and they are cuddled up on the sofa and he's got tele back on. As I walk in my husband goes right what do you say, toddler says sorry mummy, then my husband says that my son has cleaned up the paint and knows that because he was naughty he doesn't get to go to the beach anymore.

Fucking really? We don't think the logical solution here for a tantrum about screen time was to say because you've behaved in this way, there's no more screen time today and we're all going to go out to the beach. No, we take away the walk, outside in the fresh air, and give him more screen time? I turned the tele off and said you've had enough screens, we're going to the beach. Husband says I'm undermining him, I laugh because it's so ridiculous that this is how he thought he had resolved situation, he says why am I laughing? I say it's incompetent parenting to reward a tantrum about screen time with screen time and take away an outdoor activity as the punishment despite the fact that's a positive thing and is totally unrelated. He kicks off nothing he does is good enough and storms out. Left me with a kicking off child who didn't know what was going on and was just angry all over again about the tele being turned off. Took me an hour to calm him down, another big tantrum in that time and now I'm just exhausted and pissed off.

AIBU? Or is just parenting 101?

I think your husband didn’t want to go to the beach.

How far is the beach ?can you drive there? I would get yourself together and go to the beach alone get some fresh air a short walk find a cafe and have a quiet afternoon alone,take a book and chill.

This is not a loaded question, but could you have been jealous that your DH got a control of the situation and calmed your toddler down, even teaching him to apologise and tidy the mess he made, and you therefore lashed out at your DH?

That's seriously what you've taken away from this whole shit show?

Well, she was the aggressor. He came home to a shit situation, got it sorted and she comes back in and attacks him.

I see your point to an extent but I think calling your dh an incompetent parent is really harsh and unfair. How would you like it if he called you an unfit mother? It does sound like you undermined him to be honest. I get why you're frustrated but I think he did quite well in the circumstances and it's just a miscommunication by the pair of you that really didn't warrant such a personal insult. Hope you manage to salvage the day!

This is happening more and more here especially on MIL and step children threads.

You’re being a massive mummy martyr here by imposing arbitrary limits to screens and trying to force a 3 year old to do an activity they don’t want to. Who the fuck wants to go for a walk on the beach in November?!

Weekends are for relaxing. So do that. Especially as you’re 36 weeks pregnant good lord. The bad behaviour wasn’t from
watching tv, it was from you turning it off in favour of something you wanted to do, with no warning nor rhyme or reason.

When you look back at this day will it make you feel good that you tried to force what you think are worthy activities onto your family?

I think some people really struggle to understand that sometimes, just sometimes, the woman gets it wrong rather than the man.

You had the T v on in the background your son was playing on his own just you decide he has to do an activity your son objects causes mayhem that you can't cope with, his dad sorts it out they clear up and all is calm and you are still harping on about no television and yelling at your husband ! I mean !

It’s just tv. It’s not crack cocaine

I do get you though op, I was also blind to my unreasonableness on many occasions when heavily pregnant. Hopefully you will calm down and apologise to Your DH, he does sound like a good guy.

And did you make it clear at that moment before you went for a shower what the 'something else,' was going to be? This sounds more like a lapse in proper communication between both parents than one of them being inadequate.

Shit show? Heavily pregnant woman overreacts after dealing with tantrum of toddler? A shit show? It’s hardly a rare occurrence. I think our definition of shit show is quite different.

And yes, I think there’s a good chance he would have preferred a lazy Sunday.

Personally, I’d go on my own and enjoy the solitude. You won’t have a chance soon, OP.

In my opinion you both did good and bad things.

Your bad: 4 hours of TV; having an argument in front of DS; undermining DH.
Your good: stopping the TV and trying to do constructive activities; having a good idea about how to handle the situation (ie no more TV, going to beach).
His bad: taking 4 hours to get the shopping; using more screen time as a resolution to a tantrum about screen time.
His good: prioritising you getting a shower/out of the stressful situation; clearing up with DS; getting DS to apologise.

Next time, as PP said, you just need to have a discussion outside of DS’ earshot to decide exactly what you will do. In this case, it should have been before the shower.

Basically you did all the right things but in a disjointed way. I can understand why DH feels hurt. I can also understand why you are knackered and at the end of your tether.

I’m with you OP. He gave in to your preschooler wand let me watch more TV.
You are clearly tired . Let him go for the walk while you have a rest

I think your DH did really well getting a toddler who's having a tantrum to clear up the mess and apologise. I wouldn't have managed that with mine! He was clearly trying to think of a punishment so your son learns about the consequences of his actions and came up with cancelling the beach trip. I agree that's not the best punishment but if I was you I'd have quietly taken him aside and discussed it respectfully. Calling him an incompetent parent seems unfair and far from the truth (from what you've said about his actions today). You're the one who let him watch 4 hours of TV which you say caused the bad behaviour. Your DH was just trying to deal with the fallout from that.

I dont think it took the dh 4 hours to get the shopping, the tv was on before he left, it was 10am when op turned the tv off, her husband didnt leave at 6am!

The OP had already said no to the TV and he turned it back on so the toddler got his own way! So who was undermined?

And the walk with no possibility of TV was a good idea.

He's stormed out saying he clearly can't do anything right so what's the point trying

What's the point trying? To get better at being an adult and a parent? Does he flounce out like that at work or in hobby groups with his mates when something is too hard or he's criticised and told to buck up? Nah, I bet not.

This is one of these convenient things, seen more often in men, to abdicate having to learn and to do things (better). Pathetic.

I think you were pretty much completely right and your husband was wrong. No way should have turned the television back on. No way should he have stormed out. Although you should have been more tactful - no-one likes being told they're incompetent, and he'll use it to get out of doing anything.

I agree 100%. I hope @op that you get a chance for some down time today being so heavily pregnant

No OP - you're getting berated for how you spoke to your husband. No one really cares how much TV your son watched this morning

Chill out. You’re stressing over unnecessary stuff. Your son apologised, that’s a pretty good result and everyone’s calm. When he’s older you’ll wonder why you stressed over such stuff.

You did undermine him

No he undermined the OP who had quite rightly said to the child that they had had enough television now. Good to get the child to tidy up but child has still learned that having a tantrum gets him more screen time.