Called husband an incompetent parent

[happysundayiguess]

He's stormed out saying he clearly can't do anything right so what's the point trying

Back story, heavily pregnant and feeling every bit of it. Husband went to collect our click and collect order this morning, 3 year old didn't want to go with him, fine. The plan is to go to the beach for a walk for the afternoon so he's getting out then. Spent the morning on the sofa, he was on the floor with Netflix on in the background playing with his toys.

10am Netflix comes up are you still watching, mum guilt kicks in, I say right enough tele let's go do something. Go in the kitchen, get the paints out, cut some potato stamps and we are doing that all fine, not even 5 minutes later he starts complaining he's bored and wants tele back on. I say no we've had 4 hours of tele we're going to do something else, if you don't want to do painting why don't we get something else out and make a few suggestions. He flies off the rails (which in itself is the result of too much screen time!) escalated to the point he scratched my arm and threw a bar stool over which took a chunk out of the wall. I did raise my voice at this and he then threw the paint and made a big mess with it. My husband walked in the door as this was happening and suddenly my son went from angry to hysterically sobbing that mummy made him upset because she shouted (I know I shouldn't of) my husband asked what happened and I explained that we've had hours of tele and he's kicking off because I said no more. He says give them a minute to calm down and go for a shower as I had paint on me.

I come back down from my shower and they are cuddled up on the sofa and he's got tele back on. As I walk in my husband goes right what do you say, toddler says sorry mummy, then my husband says that my son has cleaned up the paint and knows that because he was naughty he doesn't get to go to the beach anymore.

Fucking really? We don't think the logical solution here for a tantrum about screen time was to say because you've behaved in this way, there's no more screen time today and we're all going to go out to the beach. No, we take away the walk, outside in the fresh air, and give him more screen time? I turned the tele off and said you've had enough screens, we're going to the beach. Husband says I'm undermining him, I laugh because it's so ridiculous that this is how he thought he had resolved situation, he says why am I laughing? I say it's incompetent parenting to reward a tantrum about screen time with screen time and take away an outdoor activity as the punishment despite the fact that's a positive thing and is totally unrelated. He kicks off nothing he does is good enough and storms out. Left me with a kicking off child who didn't know what was going on and was just angry all over again about the tele being turned off. Took me an hour to calm him down, another big tantrum in that time and now I'm just exhausted and pissed off.

AIBU? Or is just parenting 101?

I agree removing the walk was a bad idea.
But, your child had too much screen time because you'd allowed him four hours of it in the morning. It's a bit hard on the other parent to use up all the easy parenting tricks then expect them to deal with problems without the quick fix you availed yourself of all morning.
Either accept your child will be watching TV more than is ideal while you're tired, or if it's that important, be consistent about when he can and can't watch and agree the rules with your husband in advance.

Yes, I do think it’s immature to storm off.
Yes, the dc calmed down and cleaned up because he was promised the very thing that had caused his tantrum.
OP’s words were not kind but her dh was a lazy parent at best. And cleaning up a mess is normal for parents.
Your boundaries are pretty low.

This thread is hilarious.

Heavily pregnant mum leaving a TV on too long, any other thread you'd be told don't bear yourself up over it, it's hard being heavily pregnant with a preschooler.

Heavily pregnant mum turns off TV and tries to do an activity with her child, any other thread it would be good on you for making the effort especially when you don't feel well.

Mum says no more screen time, child kicks off, dad comes home and calms child down by giving him screen time back, any other thread you'd get complete agreement that it is shoddy parenting and just him taking the easy way out and undermining op.

Mum says she's irritated that an activity that gets her child outside in the fresh air was taken away as a punishment instead of something that was related to the punishment, and arguably worse for the child generally such as screen time when he had already had hours worth. Any other thread you'd get complete agreement that screens shouldn't be a reward and that getting a child outside in the fresh air isn't something that should be taken away as a punishment.

BUT you made the mistake of being a heavily pregnant women posting on AIBU, so you're inevitably going to have an absolute pile on about how awful you are

Excellent points.

If I were H I'd spend the afternoon at the pub.

I don't think your husband is an incompetent parent because he didn't alleviate your guilt for allowing four hours of screen time.

You husband deescalated what sounds like an out of hand tantrum. He tidied up and got the child to recognise a wrong and to apologise. How he handled the time after all that is his call. Not like he walked in and plonked the child immediately back in front of Netflix.

If you want to limit it, then it might be easier if you make screen time a separate activity than combine it with an activity such as playing by themselves with toys.

Talking of lazy parenting, did you read the bit where the OP said she had Netflix on for 4 hours?

You're absolutely proving the PP right who said some MNetters can't get their heads around the fact a woman can be in the wrong.

csnt believe the responses you are getting.
of course, it was a ridiculous response from your partner. You went through all that to turn it off. His response to then cancel the beach shows a lack of judgement.
or more accurately, that you have different ideas about what your child needs (ie fresh air, exercise etc)
of course, a whole morning of tv isn’t ideal. But needs must sometimes!

Had anyone actually been watching the telly?

If not.why was it even on?

Is it just put on in the morning?

Why did turning the telly off mean that he had to paint rather than carry on playing with lego?

Why couldn't he have gone to the shop anyway even though he didn't want to?

@ZeroFuchsGiven 🤣 on re-reading, yes that is my bad. Poor DH has taken quite a battering!

I feel quite sorry for your DH here.

Sounds like you value control over harmony. Good luck with that.

"Talking of lazy parenting, did you read the bit where the OP said she had Netflix on for 4 hours?"

Have you ever been 36 weeks pregnant with a toddler?! The rules don't apply - it's survival

Yup.🙃

You let him watch TV for four hours, shouted at him, and wound him up so much he threw things.

Your husband calmed him down, got it all cleaned up, and got him to apologise.

And you think HE'S the incompetent parent?

But how did the tele billing on in the background equate to too much tele time?

Why not just turn it off and let DS carry on playing?

YABU

He’s a toddler, you’re acting like he’s a grown adult.

Your DH was almost spot on - he let you remove yourself from the situation, explained to toddler that his behaviour was unacceptable, made him clean up and apologise and showed him that because he has behaved appropriately that he now gets to watch some TV - it’s better to rule with a carrot, than a stick.

What I agree with you on is that he shouldn’t have been stopped from going to the beach - that punishment doesn’t fit with the crime and was way too far in the future.

But ultimately you are at fault here - you allowed 4 hours of TV in the first place, then got annoyed because DH allowed some and then you caused an argument with your DH in front of DS.

I would apologise to DH and explain how you think stoping him from going to the beach was the wrong thing to do but you appreciate what he did do and in hindsight you can see he handled it better than you did.

I think DS probably needs to get out of the house so I would say to DS because you’ve behaved so well for the rest of the day that we can still go to the beach.

Child probably shouldn't be watching that much tv in one go and if I were you, I'd start by teaching the child how to play so you don't rely on screen time.
Also I do think you should have discussed this and child shouldn't have ended up watching TV again but your husband thought he was doing the right thing. He's probably thinking well its alright for you to use the TV so you can sit on the sofa so why can't he do that? Children NEED to play in and outside so I'd still get out and maybe discuss the reasons why.

Tbh OP it sounds like it’s your way or the high way. Yep being pregnant is exhausting. So you decided that DS could watch TV to enable yourself a break. The you decided that despite the fact you will be going to the beach, TV time is over. Yes your toddler had a moment but your DP cleaned up and expected an apology. Does DS like the beach? If so then that is still a consequence, the issue is it’s not your consequence. Your DP calmed down the situation, i personally think you need to take a step back. Your DP is allowed to determine a consequence, maybe next time talk to him about expectations so that you’re on the same page. It doesn’t sound like he intended to piss you off but you’re taking it personally and then insulted him because you didn’t like the way he dealt with it because it wasn’t what you would do.

Once again I was why a poster posted in AIBU when they point blank refuse to be told they are being unreasonable!

Can you not appreciate that you got some peace and quiet in the shower and came back down to a calm toddler, a cleaned kitchen and an apology? That is good going!

Yes, in hindsight, perhaps DH could've acted differently (I wouldn't necessarily use the word "better") but that could've been a discussion instead of you being a bitch to him. If I acted like that to my DP he would react the same way and probably not help again in that situation! You said DS was really looking forward to the beach so removing that was a punishment!

Wonder*

I think the fact he’s 3 and had such a violent tantrum means there’s possibly more going on here. I don’t think in this situation your DH is incompetent or lazy - he did what was required to calm him. I understand why he removed the walk if it was something your son had asked for and wanted to do. in your situation I would’ve said something along the lines of “I agree dh, where shall we go instead?” then agree somewhere you/dh enjoy. Show him that he loses the privilege of choice. Putting the tv back on and having a cuddle is moving on from the situation and continuing the day - appropriate for his age as continuing to “punish” him will prolong the stress for everyone.

I don't think he took 4 hours to do the shopping.

I actually feel kind of sorry for him. He came back home from a short trip to the shops (assuming as he was just picking up a click and collect) to find the calm home environment has turned into a complete cluster fuck and he's the incompetent one.

I dread to imagine what I'd say if someone had the nerve to pass their ineptitude off as mine.

It's the same as not being pregnant with a toddler, apart from everything happens a bit slower.

YANBU. Your husband did the opposite of what was appropriate.