Called husband an incompetent parent

[happysundayiguess]

He's stormed out saying he clearly can't do anything right so what's the point trying

Back story, heavily pregnant and feeling every bit of it. Husband went to collect our click and collect order this morning, 3 year old didn't want to go with him, fine. The plan is to go to the beach for a walk for the afternoon so he's getting out then. Spent the morning on the sofa, he was on the floor with Netflix on in the background playing with his toys.

10am Netflix comes up are you still watching, mum guilt kicks in, I say right enough tele let's go do something. Go in the kitchen, get the paints out, cut some potato stamps and we are doing that all fine, not even 5 minutes later he starts complaining he's bored and wants tele back on. I say no we've had 4 hours of tele we're going to do something else, if you don't want to do painting why don't we get something else out and make a few suggestions. He flies off the rails (which in itself is the result of too much screen time!) escalated to the point he scratched my arm and threw a bar stool over which took a chunk out of the wall. I did raise my voice at this and he then threw the paint and made a big mess with it. My husband walked in the door as this was happening and suddenly my son went from angry to hysterically sobbing that mummy made him upset because she shouted (I know I shouldn't of) my husband asked what happened and I explained that we've had hours of tele and he's kicking off because I said no more. He says give them a minute to calm down and go for a shower as I had paint on me.

I come back down from my shower and they are cuddled up on the sofa and he's got tele back on. As I walk in my husband goes right what do you say, toddler says sorry mummy, then my husband says that my son has cleaned up the paint and knows that because he was naughty he doesn't get to go to the beach anymore.

Fucking really? We don't think the logical solution here for a tantrum about screen time was to say because you've behaved in this way, there's no more screen time today and we're all going to go out to the beach. No, we take away the walk, outside in the fresh air, and give him more screen time? I turned the tele off and said you've had enough screens, we're going to the beach. Husband says I'm undermining him, I laugh because it's so ridiculous that this is how he thought he had resolved situation, he says why am I laughing? I say it's incompetent parenting to reward a tantrum about screen time with screen time and take away an outdoor activity as the punishment despite the fact that's a positive thing and is totally unrelated. He kicks off nothing he does is good enough and storms out. Left me with a kicking off child who didn't know what was going on and was just angry all over again about the tele being turned off. Took me an hour to calm him down, another big tantrum in that time and now I'm just exhausted and pissed off.

AIBU? Or is just parenting 101?

It’s ridiculous that you called him an incompetent parent because he decided not going to the beach was punishment. Hopefully your just tired and emotional and it’s causing you to be irritation. Toddler watched 4 hours of tv on your watch, took a chunk out of the wall by throwing things around and threw paints all over the floor, your DH could have just as easily called you the incompetent parent!
Now I’m not saying you are, but I’m sure the thought upset you? Because it was a low blow, you lashes out with the goal being hurting your husband.

Cancelling the beach walk was not an appropriate or effective consequence for a child that age kicking off about TV.

"Calming" the child down by giving them the thing they were throwing a tantrum about is hardly skilful or sensible. He's just guaranteed a repeat of that behaviour next time.

Losing your temper wasn't ideal but we all have our moments. It's pretty normal to be pissed off at someone waltzing in, undermining you and doing something that will guarantee more aggro from the child in future.

Normal people lose their temper and express themselves imperfectly sometimes.

What harm was it doing him having the tv on in the background and playing with his toys? Why was it a bit much? You are saying you feel crap so just chill out a bit, no need to martyr yourself with paints.

I think most people still care what their other children are up to after they've had another, yes. I know I did 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wow the op is getting a hard time here of course her dh was wrong to put tvback on and the biggest undermining was of her.

But what was the point? Your child didn't want to paint, you wanted to. Did you ask your kid what they wanted to do? Like someone else said you could have easily said the TV is going off in 10mins, what do you want to do? Do you want to play, paint, wait for dad to get back and go for a walk, bake etc. Instead it seems like you forced him away from something he was enjoying to do something he didn't want to do then act surprised when he was pissed off?

I also cannot help but notice that those posters so quick to get the boot in with the op for losing her temper apparently have no words of criticism for the husband losing his temper and storming out the house.

But this approach works.
Avoid the tantrum by saying "you can have a little bit of tv time when we get back from the beach later."

He wasn't even watching the tv when you first turned it off. You said it was on in the background.

He didn't resolve it.

Calling the op "stupid" and "immature" for disagreeing with your personal opinion is hardly the height of maturity.

Just because someone asks people for opinions does mean they are required to agree with what you say! People's opinions can be wrong.

The OP laughed at him and called him incompetent.

If the sexes were reversed he would've been called abusive.

He stormed out of the house because he felt nothing he does is good enough and I have an inkling he might be correct.

If I was undermined like that after sorting the shit show op created then been told I was an incompetent parent I possibly would have walked out and left her to it too.

Tbh sometimes it is better to walk away. The OP caused the tantrum in the first place, then she laughs at his efforts and called him a shit parent. What is he supposed to do there? She was mocking him and calling him incompetent, what is the correct reaction to that?

OK so it sounds like moving between activities is tricky for your little one and can trigger a bit of a tantrum. Sounds like you are quite in tune with managing it most of the time but as is normal with toddlers this time it all went south.

I still think you owe your DH an apology though he may have got it wrong but that was a pretty shit thing to say to him. DS was a tricky baby and toddler and 15 years on I still remember DH hissing “it’s your fault he’s like this” in front of family. It was a pivotal and damaging moment in our relationship to be honest.

Yes to this

Is there any chance you were projecting when you called DH an incompetent parent? And not because I think you are btw, but you yourself said you had some guilt. That was a pretty unreasonable thing to say. And laughing in response to something he says?Extremely passive aggressive. This should have all been a conversation had in an adult grown up manner out with ear shot of DS.

He shouldn’t have put the telly back on in an ideal world. So DH was being a little unreasonable, you however ABVU.

Also, let yourself have a telly day, it sounds like you need it!

Why post then? You were mainly more in the wrong than he was.

You are right about the beach and the tv. Your husband is lazy and has not thought through the poor decision making processes. Being outside and running about as much as possible does wonders for the behaviour of small children. Withdrawing that as punishment for boredom related behaviour is not sensible.
The responsible parent thing to do would have been for him to jolly Ds along to go to the shops with him. Maybe by letting him choose something nice for lunch for everyone. come home, make lunch, everybody go and have fun at the beach.
Your behaviour wasn't great either, but at 36 weeks pregnant, being left in the lurch by your unreasonable husband is a fair excuse. IMO.

Yeah, this.

I can't believe you treated your husband that way and distressed the child again when you came down to find everything calm and nice.

Why did you post if you are so sure you’re not unreasonable?

You definitely were unreasonable in this situation and should apologise to your DH

He calmed the toddler down, had him tidy up and apologise. How is that not resolved?

It’s not about agreeing with my own personal opinion. It’s about starting a thread asking if you were unreasonable, when in reality you just want justification for being an arse to your husband.

Because she thought we'd all abuse the useless man and give her justification for being awful.

For goodness sake just chill out. All this with one child. Totally unnecessary. Apologise to your husband & enjoy life a bit more.

He descalated the situation, he got your DD yo apologise and tidy up while allowing you time to have a shower. How would you deal with the situation because you clearly weren't managing

Equally your DH could come home and say he left you to go to the shop and has come home to a screaming toddler, damaged wall and paint everywhere! Sounds pretty incompetent to me. Your child was playing with the TV on and was forced to do something they clearly didnt want to

Yes it may not be ideal he's watching tele again, but its also not the end of the world. You undermined him and I don't think its fair to call him an incompetent parent

I've noticed this happening more and more lately.

And often it works 🙄